This Woman's Work...

I'm in love. There. I said it. I'm in love and its incredible, and unbelievable and so amazing.  And as much as she drive's me nuts with her constant climbing, and her desire to touch the buttons on everything, I'm so in love with her, and I find it incredible that she came from me. She's a part of me and Scott and the love we have for each other.  She's a wonderful and amazing person.  And, she's mine. At least for 17 more years, whether she likes it or not, and if she's anything like me, by the time she's "free" she'll love her mother so much more, and with such an appreciation.  And, truly, my mother is my best friend. The one I can tell anything to, the one who hears everything about me, knows everything about me, and despite all my many flaws, loves me still.

I look back at the past 17 months, hell, the past 2 years, from the day I learned I was pregnant and carried, yes carried, the test stick around with me all day cause I was beyond excited and couldn't wait to share the news with everyone. And I really couldn't, I always thought there'd be another pregnancy to do it all differently for, to "hide" the truth of it, and wait to see how long it took for someone to figure it out on their own, but knowing what I do now, I still wouldn't change a damn thing.  I would still burst at the news that I was pregnant, and who's to say that given the chance, I would do it differently?

And tonight, as I put my little girl to bed, I realized, this is it. This is what heaven must be like.  I was so at peace, and so ready for anything, and quite frankly, with my girl by my side, I know I can do anything.  I'm so in love.

"He'd look just like me when I was young

And I wonder as the days unwind
Will he have your eyes or mine
Then i wake up to my
Apron strings
Cold and lonely
For time brings
Thoughts that only
Will be quiet when someone clings to my
Apron strings
And i'll be perfect in my own way
When you cry i'll be there
I'll sing to you and comb your hair
All your troubles i will share" Apron Strings

I still have hopes that someday, somehow I'll have a little boy, who'll look just like his sister (much the way I look so much like my brother Gregg).  But I think he'll remain a dream.  But who really knows what medical marvels can do?
 
"I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left
I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left" This Woman's Work

Be well....

Christmas

Its Christmas night, and my little one is sound asleep, all snuggled up in new pajamas in her crib sleepily peacefully.  Its been a long 24 hours celebrating on 5 different occasions and opening all those gifts and my girl handled it with flying colors! She was so excited to open gifts and was ripping the wrapping paper off like a pro! She's an amazing little person.

The day started off nicely, with Grace waking up late, enjoying her shower with mommy, and then heading downstairs for milk, waffles and presents.  My parents joined us, and my mom (who woke up at 7am [even though I told her we wouldnt be doing presents til at least 9]) was so excited and couldn't keep herself in bed this morning.  We opened gifts here, and I must say I have the most amazing husband ever!!! Not only did I get a new computer monitor and hard drive, but I also got TWO new Harry Potter lego sets!!! Yes I am a big geek.  Now I feel like such a schmo for only getting him a GPS, and a shirt!! After we did presents at home, we went to Nana and Grandpa's house for MORE presents, and breakfast.  We were joined by my sister Breyanna, and brother Gregg, and my brother John, his wife Colleen and his 3 kids Cam, Ryan and Sophie.  It was a busy morning.  We had lunch at Diane and Dan's house, with all the Cameron family assembled, and it was great that Grace got to meet all of them finally, and I hope they continue to stay in her life, she's lucky to have so many people who love her so much.  We enjoyed more fabulous food for dinner at Gary and Estelles house, with some of the Burdick crew.  Grace got more gifts than one little girl deserves but she loves it all so much!

Did I mention we also opened gifts last night from my brother Glenn and his wife Katherine and my brother Gregg and his fiancee Michele? Its been a busy day, and as I look at the big pile of toys and all the beautiful clothes she got, I must say, we are so blessed and lucky! I feel so spoiled and fortunate. 

I can't believe a year ago I depended so much on the kindness of strangers to help me have gifts for my baby and this year, its unbelievable how much we were able to do.  I feel so lucky to be fortunate enough this year to have had gifts for her to open, and boy did she open them! With "oohs" and "aahs" and squeels of delight! I swear she sounded like a 5 year old, not a 17 month old!!

I hope everyone is as lucky and happy as I am tonight.

Good night everyone, and Merry Christmas.

Be well...

Broken heart

Today as I was sitting at the computer, with my little one playing peacefully next to me, it finally felt real.  Maggie is gone, all the hoping, praying and wishing in the world won't change that.  She's gone and I won't ever see her again.  She won't be able to meet me at the Dana anymore for little visits, there is no one to listen to me grumble about the long waits at the Dana, and there isn't someone calling me to tell me just how awful doctors are with time management and how she wishes they would call her to tell her THEY are running late like they make us do.  And whats more awful, I can't even locate her mother anywhere to tell her just how sorry I am, and how much I will miss her daughter.  I feel like I lost my best friend.  How do you mend a broken heart? Someone out there must have the answer. Maybe the party tonight will help.

I learned some terrible news recently.  My dear friend Maggie lost her battle against cancer on the 16th, and I am truly devastated.  I knew Maggie only a short time compared to her other friends, but I still loved her with all my heart and thought her to be a beautiful person.  I last saw her in August, when we met at the dana farber for a brief visit and so she could give me Grace's birthday present. 

She was telling me that she just couldn't fight anymore, but I didn't want to listen.  I kept telling her she had to fight, cause she had to get better.  I was only thinking of myself at the time, I wasn't thinking of her feelings and I am truly sorry.  It is for that reason, I think, that she chose not to tell me she was dying, although in my heart I knew it when she told me more tumors had grown.  I knew she was going to die, but I didn't want to give up hope, because if I stopped hoping for her, would I stop hoping for me too? Would I lose hope that I'd stay cancer free? Would I spiral into a depression and just give up my fight? 

I'm truly trying to not break down and cry everytime I see her name in my phone book, but I just can't delete her yet, cause then I know its really true, and I'm not sure I can do that.  Besides, everytime I see her name, a small smile springs to my face when I think about how awesome she was.  And she was awesome, and amazing, and fantasticly great.  She was so young and she definitely didn't deserve this. No mother should have to bury her child, especially her only child. 

I used to write poems all the time, and I've had the starts of one playing around in my head, but everytime I try to write it down, it just doesn't seem right.  Guess I have to work on it for awhile.

My heart is truly broken right now, and I can't seem to find all the pieces to even try to glue it all back together again. 

So with that I will say, parents, hug your children a little tighter tonight when you put them to bed, put aside the housework to play for while, and if she taught me nothing else, at least Maggie taught me this, laugh often.

Be well all.

Almost time…

If someone had told me that by the age of 30, I’d be married, with a child and have endured the fight of my life I wouldn’t have believed it.  Married? You bet! With a child? Quite possibly.  Fight for my life? Never!

I had never spent a day sick, not really sick at least.  I had my “sick days” where I didn’t go to school, or even work as I got older, but not cause I was really sick but because I just didn’t feel like going.  I was healthy, so why would I ever think about my health and having to fight for my life.  It wasn’t in my plan and definitely wasn’t a stop I had planned to get off at.  But imagine my big surprise when the train derailed and I ended up in a land so foreign and new! I was so glad to have my husband right beside me, to have his hand to hold as we held on to our precious new baby and navigated our way to the next train stop, so we could board the train and start our journey again.  The destination isn’t quite the same as before, and it took us a good long 8 months to make it to the next station, but we’ve been back on the train for 7 months now.  And now….

Now its time to celebrate the holidays anew.  Its time to pull out the boxes of decorations, and listen to the sounds of the holidays.  Its time for lights, and snow, and cold, and warm hot chocolate! Its time for snuggles under big blankets, and car windows to fog up! Time to pull out ice scrapers, and snow shovels, and buy winter boots.  I love winter, when it first begins, but by the middle of January I am over it and ready for spring.  But for now I’ll be excited, and continue my preparations for the holidays. 

Be well all.

Grace…

I had a vision of what Grace’s entry into the world would be like. How I wanted it to be, HOPED it would be.  I was so excited, and couldn’t wait to feel those first contractions, the gathering up of last minute items, calling the doctor and heading off to the hospital, and on the way we’d call friends and family and tell them “It’s time!”  But that didn’t happen. Instead, 4 weeks before her due date, I was laying on my couch, with my face in pain, and feeling sick to my stomach.  I called to Scott and couldn’t stop crying, it just hurt so bad and I just felt so sick. I remember telling him “My face! It hurts!” and then “OMG, I think I’m going to be sick” and throwing up all over the living room.  Scott ran and got a bucket for me, and some water and Tylenol.  I spent the day on the couch sick, and hurting.  The next day I was still sick and we called my OB, and he sent me to the ER.  There they pumped my full of anti nausea drugs, IV fluids and sent me home after I was able to keep down some graham crackers and ginger ale.  Only to have me return two days later when I was still throwing up.  This time they kept me, and had me stay in L&D so they could run tests and monitor the baby.  Everything looked fine, and all the tests came back normal, so why was I in pain, and why couldn’t I stop throwing up?  They checked my gallbladder and saw some gallstones, but in the end that wasn’t it.  I ended up staying in the hospital for a week before they decided to induce labor.  What a way to start my journey, but it was happening and it was almost over!  So I sent Scott home for my hospital bag, and I called my family and friends, and we waited.  Then the other shoe dropped and all hell broke loose.  At least that’s how it felt.  I didn’t get the vaginal birth I had hoped for, instead I had a last minute emergency c-section.  I didn’t get to hold my daughter in the first minutes of her birth, instead I had to wait an hour.  And I didn’t get to spend the five days with her on the maternity ward, I, instead, was transferred to another hospital the next day and had to wait another whole day to get her back.  And instead of going home after just five days in the hospital, I was again, separated from her when she was just a week old and had to spend another week in the hospital.  I didn’t get to dress her in what I had planned cause she was too small for it, and I didn’t get to buy her the proper size clothes for her to wear the first few weeks of her life cause I was in the hospital and unable to.  All I wanted was the rushed beautiful excitement of my baby’s birth and I got the crazy start to life after her birth.  And now, I will never get the chance to know the crazy rushing around for a birth, cause, if by some grace of God, I do get pregnant again, I will have a planned c-section and it will all be calm, and we'll prepared for.  Such is life.

Be well all.

Happy Halloween!

Just a few pictures to celebrate the day before I head to bed,

 

 

 

 

Be well all…

Laid to rest

We laid my Grandfather to rest on Wednesday, and I must say that I am very proud of the way I held myself together.  That is, until we were graveside and my mother handed me the small rose bouquet that said “Bampa” (what my Grace calls Grandpa) and I lost it.  It took me a little bit of time, but I managed to pull myself together and make it through the rest of the day. 

Its time for the new patriarch, my Uncle Scott, to take the rightful place as head of family and keep us all together and on the road together.  My mother has been the matriarch for 10 long years now, and she stepped up these past two years to take care of my grandfather when he needed someone.  A task I’m sure wasn’t easy, but she did it, and she did it without too much complaint.  There was some grumbling, some upset, but she loves him, and he is her daddy, so she cared for him until the end.

Grace just had her 15 month check up and is absolutely amazingly healthy.  She weighs 22lbs 2oz and stands at an amazing 32 inches tall!! I hope she continues to be tall all her life, its what I wanted.  Her eyes are turning darker and darker, making it seem all the more possible she will have her daddy’s brown eyes, but so far she continues to have my blond hair, and the curls has started showing up! 

I think she’s going to be a gamer, just like her daddy.  Or at the very least, an electronics junky! She’s my sweet girl, and usually a happy soul, and she continually surprises me with her ability to pick up on new words and use them.  Her vocabulary has expanded beyond what I could have ever imagined a 15 month old saying, and the fact that others can understand her make me realize its not just all in my head, and I’m not making it all up.  

Halloween is coming! I can’t wait to get all dressed up and head on out! I will definitely have lots of pictures to post.

Be well all….

Grandpa, tell me bout the good old days

Its been a heartbreaking weekend.  A great man, a hero, an idol has left this earth.  Leaving behind heartbreak and sorrow to all those he knew.  We love you John P Lumsden, 2-25-20 to 10-23-10

I can remember riding in the car with my mother, listening to “Grandpa, tell me bout the good old days” on our way to visit her parents.  When we’d get there, we’d open up the heavy door, walk up the cellar stairs, past all the items my grandparents stored in the basement, and find my Nana sitting at the table sipping a cup of tea, and my Grandpa would be in at his computer.  God love that computer room of his.  There was so much stuff in there! But it was all his, and he loved it, and could tell you right where something was if you needed it.  In the formal dining room was a bowl of mints, and butterscotch candies.  And in the living room next to my Nana’s rocking chair was all her cross stitch items.  You could go out on the front porch and find some toys, or upstairs to the bedrooms.  The downstairs bathroom had a row of mirrors going around it, making the room look bigger than it was, and upstairs there was a bedroom behind a bedroom.  The house had so much, and was so amazing.  I always loved my trips there.  Mom and Nana would sit at the kitchen table talking, and I’d usually go sit at the computer with Grandpa, where’d he load up one program or another for me and let me play.  So simple, but so great at the same time. 

There is great heartache for me right now, but also great peace knowing he lived a full life.  Grace so loved him, absolutely adored him and I’m so glad see was able to know him this past year and love him like I do. 

He was a firefighter, an EMT, a teacher, a husband, a father, a grandfather and a great grandfather.  He was strong, and amazingly brilliant, and so handsome.  The world lost a great man when he left, but he’s rejoined his wife and those who went on before him.  But still, for now, there is great heartache and sorrow. 

Be well…

How did we get here?

I sit here and wonder, how did we get here? How ever did we make it through the past year and make it here? How did we survive all the heartache, pain and sorrow and make it to where it all seems a distant memory… 15 months ago I was sick, and while nervous about the upcoming birth of my baby I was beyond excited. Only to have my world turned upside down by the time she was 3 weeks old.  But truth be told, I don’t think I’d change a thing. Why? Cause if I did, it means we wouldn’t be who we are today, that we’d be different people.  If Scott hadn’t lost his job before she was born, he wouldn’t have the amazing job he has now where he gets to work from home, Grace wouldn’t have gotten to spend as much time with her daddy, and I would have been alone most days at chemo.  We wouldn’t have bonded as a family like we did, wouldn’t have gotten to snuggle Grace and love on her as much as we did and we wouldn’t have learned to lean on each other for support like we did.  So yes, dear friends, I wouldn’t have changed a thing about the past 15 months.

I find myself laying in bed most mornings enjoying the quiet breathing sounds of the two people I love most in this world, and waiting for the first smile of the morning.  And when she looks at me, smiles and says “Hi Mama” its the best thing in the world.  Like my heart might just melt and pour right out of my chest and all over the place.  Grace has a huge vocabulary now, and she repeats more and more.  She says cup, up, puppy, nana, grandpa, mama, dada, please, help, cat, woof, hi, bye, night night, what’s that, light, pee, poop and so much more that I can’t even think about now.  She is also mastering sign language pretty quickly these days, meaning I have to learn more and more and teach her.  She’s so proud of herself when she can make it known what she wants, like milk or her cup or a fresh diaper. 

We went pumpkin picking over the weekend and she went through the corn maze.  Insisted on walking it, and following after Brian, Jill, Liam and Nicholas.  She was so cute and I’m so proud of how well she did.  After, she ran around and tried to pick up every pumpkin in the patch, and would call out “help” when she couldn’t get it, so I finally grabbed a small one out of the buckets of small ones for her to carry while I picked out my big one to carve.  Its not too big, I didn’t want to tire myself out too much this year, like I did last year.  Last year I could barely even clean out the pumpkin before I lost it, this I hope to carve the whole thing myself.

We ordered our costumes! Grace will be a bat, and Scott and I will be vampires!  Grace’s costume should arrive today, at least that’s what the UPS tracking number says.  I keep obsessively watching the door, hoping and willing him to show up as I’m dying to put it on her and see how it fits and how cute it is.  I can’t wait! Can’t wait for ours to get here so we can try them on as well.  I can’t wait for trick or treat this year.

We hung out with Melissa yesterday and went shopping.  I bought something like 3 or 4 Christmas/Winter scented votives, and 2 or 3 Fall scented ones.  I love this time of year.  The smells and family gatherings, the leaves changing color and falling off the trees. Then comes the first snowfall, and the crunching of snow beneath our boots.  And this year not only will I have enough energy to play in the snow, but Grace will be old enough to play in it as well! This year it won’t take all my energy to just get ready to leave the house and I’ll actually be able to run around and ENJOY it.  I can’t wait to buy snow pants, and jackets and gloves and hats for us. 

Grace painted her munchkin pumpkin today, it was so cute, even if she tried to eat it as well, the paint too! But it was the perfect activity for a rainy morning.  Tomorrow I think we will paint her larger one that she picked out.  But we will see how she is feeling. 

My poor girl has a bit of a cold, and she seems to have handed it off to her daddy as well.  I hope my immune system is still as strong as ever and holds up against it.  Lets hope chemo left SOMETHING behind in its wake. 

I have to drag my butt into the basement and find Grace’s 18 month clothes, my girl is so tall that her pants and pajamas don’t fit anymore and I’ve got to find the box of shoes that I have so I can get out more shoes that fit her. 

We got her costume in today! And she looks so darn cute in it! And our costumes were shipped today so we should have those in no time.  I can’t wait to see them! I hope they fit lol.  All I need for Grace’s costume is a black long sleeved onesie, black tights and black dress shoes.  Scott needs black dress pants, and I have no idea what I need for mine lol.

And readers, on another note, my friend Maggie needs more prayers, she had another tumor show up. 

Be well all, and hug your children tight.

More Birthdays

Its October 1, and as I sit here on the couch next to my husband I think “I made it” and can’t help but smile to myself.  One year ago I was so scared that I would never see another birthday, and yet, yesterday I turned 27, cancer free too!! I made it, and while exhausted and in pain, I”m still standing and still stronger than I was.  Go me! 

I’ve got a set of scans on October 8th, and I get the results on October 12th, although if I’m lucky, my oncologist Dr Crystal will call me with the results as soon as he knows him, like he did last time.  Although I must say, I am all tied up in knots right now waiting for the scans, I just know I”m going to be a “cant eat, cant sleep” wreck between the scans and getting the results.  I’ve had all kinds of dreadful thoughts the past couple of days, and some terrible, no good nightmares about cancer returning.  Thoughts about tumors regrowing, or new ones showing, that I’ve been obsessively checking my vision and my hearing, and touching my face to make sure there are no changes, and yet I still can’t calm myself down.  When does this get easier? Will it ever get better? How do I calm myself down enough so I can relax and enjoy things again around scan time? I’m starting to think I need a drug or something to calm me down, or else I may have to start drinking heavily and I don’t think that’s the answer either.

Grace is getting so big, its amazing to watch her change everyday, and yet, I can’t get enough of her.  I’m infatuated with her and no matter how nuts she drives me I can’t get enough of her crazy antics.  Like helping me clean by running the “vacuum” over the carpet earlier, or taking a wipe and “washing” the floor by the front door.  She also helped me clean up the paper clips I spilled everywhere earlier.  Such a good little helper and yet, she won’t pick up her toys, or instead of putting the laundry in the basket, she throws it all over the place, but its okay, we’ll keep working on it and someday she’ll get the hang of it.    

 

Be well…

Seeing is believing

So I finally got my glasses.  I can see again, but I look so different. Who is this stranger in the glass? I thought I had a mirror on my bathroom wall, not a window! Oh wait! It IS a mirror! Who am I?

Who am I? I’m definitely not the same person I was when I was 18, when I first met my husband, or at 24, when I married my husband, or even at 25 when I got pregnant.  How strange that in just 2 years I’ve changed so much. Some days I feel young and vibrant and ready to go, other days I can barely get out of bed and shower, but yet I do. Everyday I get up, get dressed and begin my day. Why? Well because today, again, I woke up, and today, again, I am still breathing. And everyday I get just a bit stronger.  So those are three big checks, on this list of life.  Some days I even get out and take a walk. Its a shame that fall is almost here and that long summer days are ending. But truth be told? Fall and Spring are my favorite times in the year.  Even winter, for a short time, and if its not too cold, is right up there. Mugs of hot cocoa, snuggling under big blankets, and all those beautiful holidays! How can you not love this time of year?

We are preparing for Halloween (but then again I’ve already started Christmas shopping lol).  Grace will be Dorothy, and I’m going to be the wicked witch. And yes, I know those two don’t go together, but I think I would be a better wicked witch than a good witch, but goodness knows when the time comes to order the costumes, I will most likely end up being Glinda the Good Witch lol.   We will see what happens, but goodness knows, plenty of pictures will be taken.

Well good folks, I’m off to take my little one up to her crib so she can fall asleep alone, and sleep for a bit, just to join me later when she wakes up in the middle of the night needing me, in the early morning hours.  Then we will sleep and snuggle until about 9 or so.  Life is so good.

Please, remember to pray for my friend Maggie. 

Be well all…

Blowing in the wind…

Today I was excited to learn that my hair is long enough to “blow” in the wind!!! I was beyond thrilled to feel my hair move around a bit whenever the wind would blow.  The little things that make me happy hehe.

I want to start walking everyday.  Wish I had someone (other than Grace) that I could walk with.  If someone wants to join me then let me know, I’d love the company.  Its time to whip my butt into shape and I mean it this time.  I’ve got to start taking care of myself better.

Well that’s all I have for now, off to bed

Be well

Let go and Let God

My Aunt Liz posted this on face book earlier:

“As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend. I brought
my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of
leaving him in peace to work alone I hung around and tried to help with
ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried "How could you be so slow"  "My child", He said, "What could I do? You never did let go.””

That rang so true for me.  I’ve been holding on to my broken dreams for so long now, that I had forgotten to give them to God, to let him work in His own way and His own time.  I was told I would never have a child of my own, and look what God gave me! A beautiful little princess of my very own to help me through my nightmare time. A gorgeous girl, my own flesh and blood, who is so much a part of me and Scott! She has little bits of each of us, from her obsession with electronics, to her love of being just a bit girly, yet sporty and geeky at the same time! I love every little thing about her, and her spirit his so amazing! Yet, my dream, for more little children grew larger while I was pregnant with her, and just after she was born. I had dreams and visions of at least one more little child, a boy next time, to call my own. But my daughter surprises me in every way, every day! So now I must learn to let go and let God.  If He wills it then so be it!  I must remember to have faith and to rebuild new dreams, one’s surrounding my daughter and husband. 

Everyone, please remember to pray for my friend Maggie, she’s strong and so full of life, but I’m sure she’d love the prayers and good thoughts. 

Be well….

Life is unfair

Why does life have to be so unfair?

My dear, wonderful, amazing friend Maggie just went through her own hell, very similar to mine.  Major surgery, and then 12 long rounds of chemo, plus radiation.  She just had scans done, only to learn that her fight is still not over.  unfortunately more tumors have grown and she has to have more chemo.  They are going to try a different set of drugs this time.  So my dear readers, and followers, please pray for my friend Maggie.  She’s so strong and brave, and I just know she will win this fight.  I will stand beside her, even if I have to push her lazy butt in a chair, and help her fight.  I’ll color on her bald head with markers just to make her giggle if I need to, and I will decorate her chemo chair with all kinds of streamers, balloons, and ribbons.  Anything she needs, I will be there for her.

That’s it for tonight, be well…

Its just emotions…

And they are all over the place lately.

I just don’t know how to let go of all that I had dreamed of, and wanted for my life and accept the new reality that is my life.  I am unbelievably angry over the fact that I feel so robbed of so much and yet, I have no say in it, or control over it.  I just don’t know how to accept what is my new reality.  I want my life back, I want my head to stop hurting, my joints to stop aching and I, in all honesty, want my hair back! I want to not feel so tired, and emotional, and just so sore! I hurt all the time, and I’m so tired all the time that I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.  How do I accept this new reality? How do I accept my new fate, and start to build new dreams?  I’m so lost and confused about all this and I have no one to really turn to.  None of my friends or family ever went through this, and I… *sigh* really need to find a doctor to talk to, and get meds from.  Ugh…

We had our family photos done on Sunday, and they came out so cute! I was so nervous cause Grace fell asleep on the couch about an hour before we had to leave, and surprisingly she slept through the diaper change and getting dressed, and the transition into the car, then OUT of the car and into the stroller. She only woke up in the lobby because some kid was crying (thankfully hehe). 

First set of professional photos and she did great! I’m so proud of her. 

Be well…

Pain management

(written August 19, 2010)

I have spent so much of the past year in pain from one thing or another that I didn’t stop to think about the pain in my head. The low, constant, dull throbbing, with the occasional sharp, shooting pain until recently.  I was concerned about it so I went to the doctor, and also went to see them because my incision site was hurting and was starting to turn red.  So I guess I have some nerve damage and I need to see a neurologist for pain management now, which will include some sort of medication. When I tried to call the number my oncologist gave me, the receptionist told me that that doctor didn’t see patients with what I had, when I told him my oncologist talked to him and was told to give me his number to call to make an appointment he said “I’ll have to verify that with him and call you back.” Needless to say, its been 24 hours and I still haven’t heard anything so I’m calling Dr Crystal back and hoping for something good to happen, who knows!

Grace is her usual one woman destruction team! She’s learning how to use a fork and spoon and would love to get her hands on a knife but we keep those out of reach.  A week ago I lost one of her binky’s in the bedroom somewhere, I figured it fell under her crib and we’d get it later, no big deal cause she had another one.  Well this morning she lost her OTHER binky and I was like “Oh well, guess we go without.” Yea that worked until this afternoon when she was tired and freaking out cause she wanted her binky.  I tried putting her in the crib without it, she screamed for 15 minutes, and then fell asleep, for 30 minutes, then was up and screaming for it again.  I went upstairs and searched, I looked under the crib and it wasn’t there, so I looked in the crib, pulled it all apart, and still no binky.  Where did I end up finding it? In between the mattress and springs in the MIDDLE of the crib!!! How did it get there? I have no idea!!

(written August 20, 2010)

Saw the neurologist today, he confirmed what Dr. Crystal said, nerve damage.  So he gave me a prescription for some drug and sent me on my way, with instructions to call in a couple weeks and return in 3 months.  Here’s hoping this helps!

Grace was perfect at my appointment, such an angel. Helps that it was so early in the morning that she was so sleepy for it.

In sad news, my television completely died today. Won’t turn on at all now. Now we have to go spend the money on a new one. But the good news is (seeing as I didn’t post it when it happened) Scott was offered a full time position with the company he’s been contracting for!! Pay raise, health insurance and all that jazz, YAY!!

I go in on Wednesday to Boston, to get an ultrasound by a specialist.  I probably should have asked why and what not but I didn’t so I guess I have to wait and find out on Wednesday. My mom is going to go with me (Thanks Auntie Robin for watching Grandpa so she can go) and that will give me a hand with Grace.  I think my mom wants to go so she can ask the questions I probably should have when they called to schedule the appointment. 

Be well…

An apology

I probably sounded like such a bitch in my post yesterday and I do apologize for that. I just was feeling so low last night and wasn't finding comfort from anyone and it was starting to get to me. The only person I could get any comfort from doesn't understand what is going on and is too little to give me any support really. She's great for a cuddle, and I definately needed some of those, but she's one and full of all her own little problems, like the knife that is out of her reach, or daddys chair blocking his computer and all those other little things that she cant have that she just wants at her age lol.

I feel betrayed by my body and by the medicine that saved my life. I feel like I'm on the edge here and just one more bit of disappointing news will send me over the edge, where are my friends when I need them? Why do I feel so alone? This isnt fair in anyway. I'm 27! I should NOT be facing menopause, and infertility! I was just starting my family damnit! I feel just like my toddler does at the moment, and she once again managed to fall on her butt (cause she was trying to walk OVER something instead of around it). I feel like I just fell on my butt, and not onto a carpeted floor! But the hard pavement, covered in ice! And unlike the last time I fell on the ice, I am already home and there is no changing my situation. All I can do is sit here and cry, but I've got no one holding my hand this time, no one trying to help me get back up.

I'm feeling beyond robbed of so much at the moment! I was so sick for most of her firsts and now I will never get to see and experience those firsts with another. Why did this happen to me? I am incredibly angry right now and I hate that I feel this way!

Im done for now

First, Last, Only

So looks like my first born will also be my last born, which makes her my only born. I will never again be pregnant, I will never feel the flutter of little movements in my belly, and I will never hear the precious sound of my baby's heartbeat over an ultrasound. All those firsts I looked forward to, thinking I'd get to see it at least once more and I learned I won't get to. I feel so robbed. If I had known this would be my only chance to experience all this I would have done it differently, better, and I would have marveled in the wonder of it all a bit more.

So that being said, I need to rant about it all as well. I swear if I hear "It could be worse" "At least you have Grace" or "You just never know" one more time I may loose it. Why can't I have just ONE day to mourn the loss of my dream? Why cant I have just ONE day to be sad about it? Why does everyone feel the need to try to say something to make it better? Ya know what, just say "that sucks" and let me get on with it in my own time.

Thats it for tonight, I'm done....

Its been a long road

"Its been a long road, getting from there to here. Its been a long time, but my time is finally near. I can feel a change in the wind right now, nothings in my way."

I cant believe that a year ago I had a one week old baby girl, and I was undergoing brain surgery to remove as much of a tumor as they could. Now I have a one woman destruction team and some hair on my head finally. Its been an incredible journey, one that will never be forgotten (not that we could even begin to try) and one that will never end, although it is now different.

In a year I've undergone two major surgeries and two minor surgeries. In all my life I've never had surgery and suddenly in one year I've had FOUR of them. Its insane to think of the road we all have traveled in the past year and how much we've all changed. The road less traveled and yet my HUGE family just traveled down it all together. I imagine us, a la wizard of oz style, skipping away from the Wicked Witch's castle, arm in arm, down the yellow brick road, heading back to Emerald City with the broomstick in our hands. We all found our heart, brain and courage and we are ready to head home. A beautiful, beautiful place.

One year. Amazing words. I survived the past year to make it out stronger in the end. I survived and will keep surviving. I will be strong and brave and no matter what happens I will hold my head up high, fight what needs fighting and continue to have my dignity.

"I will be here, I will be strong, I'll face my fears when the night is long, and still go on. I will be free, I will be bold, follow my faith to a higher road. I'm not there yet, but I will be."

Be well...

Its early

Its early, 530 in the morning to be exact, and why am I up do you ask? Well because Grace is upstairs in her crib crying and I cant go to her. Sharing a room is hard when your trying to break the cosleeping habit and when you let them cry it out. She's been at it off an on for 20 minutes now, but she seems to be settling down some now, but I dont know. Thinking I should at least take my shower and get ready for the day, and then return to bed like I have been doing all week. I've been getting up early to shower and then I go back to sleep for like an hour until Grace wakes up. She's been sleeping in her crib on her own for 4 nights now and she was doing so well, but last night was hard for her, and I dont know why. This is the second time she woke up and each time it has scared me out of a dead sleep. I'm so tired lately and I dont know why.

Got my port out on Monday (that could have something to do with being so tired lol). It still so sore but its getting better, can do more today than I could Monday thats for sure.

Graces birthday was a big hit. She got so much and I hardly have room for it all! But we are so thankful for everything she got. She loves everthing and cant seem to keep her hands off it all, she is having so much fun. Its amazing how much she has changed in a year, and the best part is it just keeps getting better and better. She's got the most amazing personality and she is so loving and sweet. I love watching her as she discovers all the new things she can do, even if it is just sticking her finger up her nose lol. She is very stubborn (just like me) and insists on doing everything and eating everything, nothing is sacred and you must share all with her. She is so much like me and Scott its amazing. And smart! Boy is she so smart, I can hardly believe the things she knows and can do. It hardly seems possible that a one year old can seem to know all the secrets of the universe like she does lol. She looks at you with these eyes that just look into your soul. She's just so beautiful!

Be well

First Birthday

One year already. I can't believe how incredibly fast, yet slow this year was. While it was happening it seemed to drag on forever, now I only wish there was some way to pause, rewind, and do it all over again. Experience every last bit again and enjoy it ten times more. Take more photos, laugh more, love more, and learn more. Impossible I know, but I can dream.

Its been an incredible year, one full of drama, heartache and sorrow, but incredible joys. We learned just who we could count on, lean on, trust and gain support from. Who would be there for us no matter what the cards held, who would love us even more and who would disappear into the cracks. An incredible year, with incredible discoveries, about ourselves, each other, and the world. We traveled the road less traveled and came out stronger and better than before. We had some tough times, but through it all we laughed and loved, and as we watched our daughter grow into the amazing little person that she is, we were able to forget the hard times, if only for just a moment and marvel in the wonder and beauty that is the creation of life.

We had a little cake and my parents came over for a little bit to sing happy birthday and get a slice of cake. Grace happily played with her cake for a few minutes, took a few bites of it, then decided she was done and wanted out of her high chair.

She has become an amazing little person, complete with the personality of a little comedian and her love for everyone and everything is so contagious that you cant help but smile when she hugs you, or plays peekaboo with you, or even when she just hands you the little bit of paper she just ripped up. She tends to smile a lot, which is amazing and I cant help but adore her and love her more and more each day. Yes she can frustrating, and trying but she seems to know when she is working my last nerve cause she will sit there and smile at me and snuggle with me, such a perceptive little person.

She has her party tomorrow, and as exciting as it is, I'm a bit sad by the lack of response as to who is coming. The few people who said they would be here, have recently turned around and said they cant make it for one reason or another. But I decided tonight, who cares! We will party it up with whoever does show up.

Live, love, laugh.

Be well

Wow

Well we made it through, we moved! And most of the unpacking is done, but Grace is being oh so helpful as usual. For every item I take out of the box, she puts 3 in. And if its clothes I'm putting away, she helps by taking them all out of the drawer lol. At least we laugh like crazy while doing it.

We are getting so close to Grace's 1st birthday, it just makes me want to cry. I can't believe that one year ago I was sick with toxemia and waiting for the birth of my child. Oh how it seems like a lifetime ago, and in all honesty it WAS a lifetime ago! So much has happened, so much has changed, and there is still so much to do!! I got the items for the gift bags, now just need to put them together. All thats left is shopping for the food and picking out a cake. Will get Grace a cupcake all for herself and a bigger cake for everyone else. I created a wish list tonight, or at least tried to, but there isnt much she NEEDS and she is too young to really WANT anything, so I added a few items we'd like to have for her, and people can just get what they think she might like.

Well its late and the morning comes early. Night all

Be well

Good news

So on July 1st I had my big appointment. The scans came back clear, I'm all good for another 3 months. I go back in October to be checked again, so no more worrying til then lol.

I'm trying so hard to push it all out of my mind, so hard to do when I still have short hair, and my face may always be in pain. Small price to pay for my life I suppose. A small reminder of this time in my life.

We went to my brother Johns wedding this past weekend. A beautiful day for an outdoor wedding, warm, sunny and breezy. It was a great time.

Grace is hating the humidity. She's like me, can take any heat but throw in the humidity and we became cranky people. So not easy to deal with us lol.

We are moving this upcoming weekend, and I still have so much to do! Hopefully Scott wont be working late this week and I can get stuff done at night. Thursday Ana (Scotts cousins 13yo daughter) is coming to play with Grace for a few hours so I can spend the day getting things done. Once we are all moved out of here, I can come back here and clean this place and get our deposit back. Grace is not helping in this department either lol. If I put the box out of her reach she screams, and if its in her reach she unpacks everything I put in it lol.

Be well...

Feeling sick

I've got my first post chemo checkup on Thursday morning and I'm feeling so scared, anxious, and nervous and quite frankly I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need Thursday to hurry up and come and be over with. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. In all honesty I'm thinking its not going to be good news, but that could just be the pessimist in me. I keep praying that I'll be ok, that everthing will work out right. I really dont want to have to have more chemo, but I will definately continue to fight if needs be.

We are planning to hit the carnival and fireworks on Saturday in Wilmington, should be a good time. And come Saturday, I'm either going to need some serious cheering up or celebrating. I hope its celebrating.

We went to my cousins wedding on Sunday, she made such a beautiful bride. Grace had so much fun dancing and eating and clapping and cheering. She also got to play with my cousins little girl who is just a couple months older than she is.

Is it Thursday yet? I wish I could just sleep til then, oh God my stomach is doing flips and I feel so sick. I hope its not like this all the time. I hope it gets a little easier with each check up.

Be well....

Last night I was laying on the couch and for a moment I started to panic. I was certain I couldnt hear out of my right ear again. But I calmed myself down and did the whole routine and I could hear just fine. I dont know why I tought I couldnt hear, it was so strange.

I'm trying so hard to just live life and enjoy every moment, but I am so scared. I have dreams that the cancer has come back. I dream of the chemo rooms and the familiar faces of the nurses, when does that all stop? I feel like I"m going crazy with worry.

I wish someone had told me how hard it would be once chemo ended. I mean one day I have all these people caring about me, worrying about me and I'm surrounded by doctors and nurses, then the next its all gone. I spent so much time running into the city that I dont know what to do with my free time anymore. I should be packing or cleaning but instead I find myself getting Grace and I showered and dressed and we go out and walk the malls. Shopping. I dont buy much, I put all kinds of clothes and accessories in the cart, but then put it all back. I cant seem to splurge like I used to. Instead, I head on over to the grocery store after and buy that days groceries (never more than 2 days at a time) and head on home. I use the grocery store as my way out of the house all the time. I tell myself I cant buy more than a day or two of groceries cause I cant get them in the house.

Grace and I have been camping out in the living room with the AC and shes asleep oin the couch behind me. Correction, she is awake now and beside me pushing buttons lol. We are off to eat, then I am dropping her off with her Aunt for a bit so I can go gather more boxes for our big move!

be well

No clue

I'm not even sure what to title this. Its just a jumble of all kinds of thoughts and who knows what. I just feel so strange lately, not bad but strange. Some days the darkness creeps in and takes hold of me, but luckily if I start to genuinely cry Grace comes over, puts a binky in my mouth and snuggles up to me, which of course makes me laugh.

My beautiful, darling Grace. Where would I be without her? I would probably be a big bawling mess all the time. I'm so glad I was fortunate enough to have her when I did.

They told me I'd never get pregnant, that it would take lots of fertility treatments, and even then it might not work. Well fooled them, I got pregnant all on my own didnt I? And then they worried that I would miscarry and I didnt, and then they worried she'd be premature and she wasnt. My body was supposed to reject the pregnancy, fight it off like a virus, but thank God it didnt. And in the nick of time my beautiful little girl came into the world to help me have the strength to fight off the cancer. Funny, my body was supposed to fight off a baby, but because it let down its defenses, more than just a baby crept in.

I still cant help but think why. And I hate that I will never know why. Grrrr, its driving me nuts.

I was forunate enough to meet another chemo patient with ewings sarcoma during my treatments. She is awesome. And I'm glad she and I will be forever connected by this, and I really hope we end up with a good friendship from it all. She's so strong and beautiful and I'm definately lucky to know her. She cracks me up, actually made me laugh out loud earlier today while I was sitting in the waiting area at the Dana Farber. And yup, everyone looked at me, but it definately takes a lot to embarass me as I've learned lately.

Grace is getting so big. She's almost 11 months old now, and she keeps trying to walk on her own. She takes about 5 or 6 steps before she gets so excited with herself that she falls down laughing. She's such a comedian, we spend most of the day laughing and giggling. I really enjoy being her mother. I thank God every day for her, I really do.

Be well...

bad mother?

I fear that in trying to be a good mother I've actually ended up doing wrong by my child. I never wanted to hear her cry so whenever she sarted I went to her. I let her sleep with me, and now thats she's older and I'm feeling better I'm trying to get her to sleep on her own. We were doing pretty good until she got sick this past week and now things are all messed up again. She's in her crib, crying her eyes out and has been since 3am and its now almost 5. I want to go to her, pick her up and tell her I'll never leave her, but what would that do? Ease my guilt but then we'd just have to do this all over again another night. I'm so tired I could just fall asleep on the couch right now. All I have to do is turn the monitor off and I could get some real sleep but I cant do that. I feel like the worst mother ever right now.

I really wish I hadn't been sick the first 8 months of her life. Things would be so different now. She'd be used to sleeping on her own in the crib, at night and during the day, she most likely wouldnt be so attached to me right now as well. I cant leave her sight without her freaking out and of course I hate hearing her cry, but how else do I break these habits if I dont let her cry? I feel like crying.

I feel cheated! I feel like the universe spit on me and kicked me to the curb and just left me there. Only recently have I been able to pick myself back up and dust off some of the dirt. But when I try walking away, I seem to just walk in circles and nothing gets accomplished. I'm left feeling dizzy and confused. I feel so alone.

I hate when I dont have her with me, how sad is that? I actually miss her when I put her to bedat night. I'm so sed to having her with me that I hate bedtime really.

be well...

Up, up and away!

I have this crazy urge to go buy some balloons and release them into the air. To watch them float away into the heavens. Each one a thank you for all the wonderful things that have happened in my life.

Life just keeps getting better and better for us. Scott just got a huge raise and I won red sox tickets. Wishing I had cash cause I'd play the lottery tonight lol. Yes I'm feeling lucky.

The neuro-opthamologist figured out what was wrong with my eye. I have scar tissue from an ulcer that healed. He said it was most likely healed shortly after sugery and thats why I have the blurry vision. I have to go see a specialist and figure out what happens next. I'm optimistic about it though.

We had a good visit with Aunt Fran and cousine Kiette today. Grace was her usual charming self and put on a good show for them. She is such a sweet baby and I'm so lucky thats she's mine.

Be well....

Wow

Its been a long time since I've posted, but life has been crazy busy since the end of chemo!

Scott got a job!!! He gets to work at home which is awesome because he doesnt miss anything when it comes to Grace growing up!

And speak of the devil! Grace is getting so big, so fast and I just can't stand it! She's crawling like crazy, and she pulls herself up on everything, and the insists on walking! She'll be walking before I know it! She's going to be 9 months tomorrow and it kills me! I just hope I can enjoy the rest of her life without anymore chemo! We've started to break bad habits, which means mommy doesnt get as much cuddle time with Grace and that my heart breaks when she cries. But its only for a couple minutes and she is sleeping so much better at night.

I'm almost feeling normal again. And I've almost got the house back to my OCD standards but it is hard with Scott working such long hours right now. Hopefully things will calm down for him at work and I can have some more time, or Grace will settle down on the seperation thing and I'll be able to get more done.

My first 3 month checkup is scheduled for June and I'm a bit nervous about it... But I have faith that everything will be okay.

Be well all...

its finally here....

Whats finally here you ask? Spring. And spring brings the promise of new life, new beginings, hope and lots of warm sunny days. We also have hit the end of chemo now too. They ancelled my last two treatments and did scans this week. Everything came back normal and fine.

I did it. I kicked Melvins butt like I said I would. Who is Melvin, you ask. Well thats what I named the cancerous tumor that was growing inside me. Dont ask me where the name Melvin came from cause I have no idea lol.

Spring has sprung! And my new lease on life has just begun! They said I should start to feel better in a few weeks and that in about a month I should notice some hair growth. I'm excited and scared all at once to see what it will look like when it comes in.

Grace hit two big milestones this week! She crawled (and hasnt stopped since lol) and she pulled herself up to her feet! She's getting so big so fast! We colored eggs at her nanas house the other night. So much fun! And tomorrow will be her first easter, and boy do we have so much to celebrate now.

Is it normal to cry with such good news? I've got these great big tears threatening to spill out and roll down my face right now. I guess they are tears of joy and relief.

Well its gorgeous out, and she should be waking from her nap soon and I intend to get us out there for a bit of a walk today and enjoy the warmth.

Be well...

sunny days...

Its beautiful out. And I'm too weak to even go sit on the beach and enjoy it. Not that I'm supposed to be exposed to the sun like that lol. Instead I have Scott drive us to a few places and enjoy it that way. Sun on us through the moonroof and wind blowing our peach fuzz, well if it could blow around lol. Later after we eat lunch we'll take a blanket outside and play for a bit til it gets too chilly then we'll move back inside to our nice comfy bed, or if I can muster the energy finally go to payless or target and the grocery store. Time to get some summer shoes. And who knows what else I'll find. Going to buy Grace some finger foods and give those a try I think. I'm a bit nervous bout starting them too soon, but she so desperately wants to eat with us and I'm hoping some finger foods will help.

Its been a long week sine chemo ended but I get a blood transfusion on Tuesday so that will perk me up for the following week before my next round of chemo. I cant believe that chemo is almost over. I'm trying so hard to have faith that the cancer is gone and will stay gone. I will fight longer, or again if I have to but I really need the cancer to be gone from me and never return.

Be well...

All about friends...

I have this best friend, an amazing woman who I barely talk to, but have known for almost 15 years, and I know that if I need her All I have to do is call on her and she'll be there. I was there the day her son was born almost 7 years ago, and she was there the day my daughter was born. I didnt even have to ask her, she just showed up and I love her for that. Stayed with us for awhile after then quietly left.

Then there is my other friend who I've known more than 10 years but no longer feel connected to. We dont talk anymore and when we do it feels strange to me. Looking back, she was more of an aquantince I guess.

Now for the friends I met through Scott. We barely see one couple, but when we do its like no time has passed (other than the progression of our kids ages, cause I swear I'm not getting any older lol) and the other couple we see a lot of and they are as comfortable as family to us.

I just find it strange that life can be so demanding, yet you still find time to talk to friends, no matter how little you say.

For all those high school and junior high friends, I'd love to reconnect more. Don't be a stranger!

Be well....

Thank You...

The rain is back, and it sucks. The gray gloomy days need to hurry up and bring the pretty flowers so I can start to feel normal again. The endless pounding of rain on the windows is quite soothing actually but I just need a warm sunny day to install the new car seat and maybe go for a walk. I've spent the day snuggling with my baby girl and just playing with the new toys I picked up for her. I don't know what is screwing us up more, chemo or daylight savings but its wiped us both out today. Not that we've napped that much today, but we sure did sleep in!

I'm feeling beat up and tired but its all worth it. Just two more chemo treaments until I am done, then we'll have scans and be told that everything is okay and they will see me in three months.

They said that I can start trying to get pregnant again just a few months after chemo is done, but Scott and I are going to wait a bit. Maybe when Grace is three we will start trying. I can't wait to get back to feeling normal and all that jazz again. I also can't wait to see how my hair is going to grow back in lol. I think Scott and I will need some reconnecting time when chemo is over. Just the three of us, no pressures or worries and just reconnect as a family again. I don't want him to end up resenting me in the end.

I wanted to take a minute out and thank everyone who has been there for me the past few months. The outpouring of love and encouragement gave me my strength on the bad days, helped me to find peace within the storms, come to terms with the questions that will never have an answer and helped me find the way to deal with the what ifs that keep coming up. Brian and Jill, thank you so much for the car you gave us. You have no idea how much you helped us. Someday we hope to repay the favor in some way. Auntie Robin, for everything you did for us and for the way you sat and talked with me when I was first diagnosed, thank you. I only wish we could have spent more time together throughout my treatments. To those that shaved their head with me, sat with me during a treatment, or just held my hand at some point, thank you. And Gregg, my darling brother, and to my mother Janet, thank you for the encouragement and strength to keep going when all seemed lost and gone, and a big thanks for all the smiles and laughs.

No I'm not saying goodbye, i just wanted to thank some people while I had the clear thoughts and time to do it. And now that my darling dear has decided to try to crawl and get mad cause she can't I must go.

Be well...

Sad news...

My poor baby kitty (he's 6 years old, but the youngest of my 3) is really sick. We had to take him to the vet yesterday and they kept him overnight. We are hoping he can come home today. He's got a partially blocked bladder, which if it becomes fully blocked can be fatal. Its costing a small fortune to make him better, and I'm just not sure how we're going to pay this bill. I hope he'll be okay.

On a brighter note, my baby is starting to try to pull herself up. She was in her crib and pulled herself up to her knees! She's getting so strong and big! I just wish I wasnt so sick her first year of life, but it can only get better. I really wish I could just fast forward to the end of chemo at least, if not to the part where I finally feel like myself.

Had a rough night of sleep for some reason. I awoke at 430AM with every inch of me just sore. Must have slept in a funny position or something. Took me an hour and a gram of tylenol to get back to sleep. Still a bit sore this morning, but hopefully with some moving around things will loosen up and I'll feel better.

So for an update on the car situation... Our friends gave us a 1992 lincoln town car a couple months ago, so awesome of them! I really can't thank them enough for that help. The bad news is that when we took it to my brothers auto shop to get checked out and have any repairs made, he saw that the right side of the frame was completely rusted out and that with one good pothole, the transmission would just drop right out from the car. So he did a quick temporary fix to the car, so that if the frame did let out, the transmission would be held up and buy us some more time. So that night Scott came home, did our taxes and we called John up again and told him to tell him friend who had the hyundai that my mom was going to buy awhile back, to get the title cause we were going to buy it. Our tax return should cover the cost of the car and getting it on the road. So the good news is the guy has the title and now we just need to drive up there and get the paperwork so we can get the car registered and insured and then go back and get the car. I'm so excited.

I'm laying in bed, and Grace is in the crib, just waking up. She's talking to her hands. She's got just the sweetest voice ever. She's rolling all around and it will be a matter of minutes before she's sitting up, and who knows, maybe today will be the day she stands up! Girl doesnt crawl yet but I'm sure she'll walk first at this rate lol. To me, there is nothing better than sitting here listening to her talk away. Last night she had the most amazing laughing fit with me. We were just sitting on the bed, talking to each other, and I kept stealing her binky from her mouth with my mouth (by biting the plastic piece on the back) and she'd just bring her face right up to mine and steal it back with her mouth. Causing both of us to laugh a bit, but the more one of us laughed the more the other laughed, and soon we were both laughing so hard it was just funny. I do have a video of it but it was taken by me so you dont see me, or Grace for the most part but you can certainly hear us. I really do love my baby girl, more than anyone could ever know. Well I better go get her fed and get our day started, we have a lot to do today.

Be well....

the rain is over

The rain has finally stopped. Outside as well as in and I can honestly say that I somehow have found the strength to make it through whatever life throws at me now. I've got this whole new appreciation for life that I definately didn't have before cancer and I don't think I'll ever take life for granted the way I used to.

Every other day I enjoy taking a nice bath with my beautiful little girl, who by the way has figured out that splashing in the tub is so much fun. I think I'm going to have to get more bath toys for us, she gets so mad when I take her out of the water, and I know that if she's having a very cranky day I can put her in the tub and she becomes a different person. Every day we snuggle together for nap time and at bedtime, I either snuggle her or rub her back til she is asleep, and then I usually sit there for a few minutes longer and just watch her. And I think, she's all mine. I grew this tiny, beautiful, special child inside of me, and I get the profound joy and pleasure of helping her grow up and become a wonderful person who will do great things.

We lost power last night with the storm, and I can honestly say that our house had never been so dark and quiet. But it was so great to lay in bed with Scott and just whisper with each other about absolutely nothing at all. I had forgotten how special those stolen moments could be. And long after he had fallen asleep, I laid next to him and listened to him breath and thought, how lucky am I to have such a wonderful husband. And on the other side of me, my beautiful girl slept peacefully in her crib next to my bed. Honestly I am beyond blessed and loved by these two special people. And if this should be the extent of my family, if there should be no more children, then so be it. There is more than enough love here to last a lifetime and more.

It amazes me that it took a raging storm outside to calm the one inside of me. But God obviously knew what I needed to find my ground again, to find my center. He knew just how to restore the peace and harmony to my life.

Be well....

In the still of the night....

So yesterday was my 3 year wedding anniversary, YAY! We had a quiet day at home and just enjoyed each other, as well as Grace.

Yesterday also marked Grace's 7th month. My beautiful Grace Anne. Yesterday is also very special because it would have been my nana's, Anne Grace, 87th birthday. Yes. February 23rd is a blessed day.

Today was a tough day. I can't stop thinking about the what if's again. I wish there was some way to make them just go away once and for all. It seems the closer I get to the end of chemo the more they keep popping up. I hate them. I sit there and just want to cry so much and it makes the day seem so awful. The weather doesn't help either. Although don't get me wrong, I much rather the rain than snow, but a little sunshine would be nice.

I've been trying so hard the last 7 months not to be angry with God. But lately I just can't help it. I keep thinking why me, why now, why ever? What did I do that was so wrong, so awful, to deserve this punishment? And thats what it feels like, like I'm being punished for something. Did I want my baby too much? Did I do something wrong? I've tried so hard to come up with answers to this whole mess but the more I try the more questions I come up with. I find myself hating life right now, and all I want to do is climb into a hole and not come out. I want to go sit on the beach and just yell and scream and cry about the injustice of it all. I'm so damned tired of being strong, and positive and upbeat about everything all the time. I'm not strong! I can't do this and some nights I go to bed and just cry about how unfair this all is. I'm really not strong. Everyone thinks I am, but I'm not. I only continue to fight because of Grace. If it weren't for her, I would have stopped treatments long ago and let the cancer kill me, cause in all honesty, I can't take much more of this. The treatments leave me feeling weak, and tired and helpless. All things I hate feeling. Three surgeries in six months have left me feeling battered and bruised. I freak out with every little headache and feeling, so sure that the tumor is growing inside me again. I can't wait for my next MRI so I can put those fears to rest. I'm just purely exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep the rest of this away but I can't. I'm just too tired for all this and I dont want to bother anyone at all with it. I pray everynight that it will get better, that it will be okay, but I'm starting to wonder if my prayers are heard. Nothing is working out in my life. Scott still doesn't have a job, the bills are piling up and its a crushing weight to carry. I'm starting to feel like nothing will ever get better....

Goodnight all...

Rainy day....

Not outside, but inside it is.

I'm having a tough time today and I'm sure its the lack of sleep thats doing it to me. Why a lack of sleep, you ask? Well for one my lovely little angel has decided that 7AM is a good time to wake up, so not nice. For two, I'm having a minor surgery tomorrow to have a port put in and its making me nervous. Not only that, but because I want to make sure I'm good and hydrated for said surgery tomorrow, I've been drinking more than 2 quarts of water and juice a day, which means I'm up all night peeing. Its a viscious cycle.

But I sit here with tears in my eyes and a feeling of despair in my heart. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the end of my journey, but it just seems so far away and its a little to dim today. And then I start thinking about the what if's. What if it just keeps coming back? I'm trying so hard to be strong, but in all honesty, the chemo and cancer have beaten me down so much that I just don't have it in me anymore. And add on the horrible cold weather and snow and I just can't take it anymore. I just want this all to be over, I just can't take anymore of it. I'm so tired, and worn out and all I want to do is go back to before I even got pregnant and start all over again. I'd do it all so differently this time. I'd like to redo my entire adulthood differently. There would be more photos, and more laughter. I wouldn't have wasted one minute of any day if I had known I was going to end up here. I think about all those missed oppertunities and lazy days at home watching t.v and I wish I had spent more time with friends and family. There is so much I think about and so much I wish I could change. The only thing I can do now is try to make tomorrow better I guess.

But how can I make tomorrow better when I still have 3 more months of chemo to go through, and another surgery.

I have an MRI on Saturday and quite honetly I'm scared of the results. I'll always be scared of results of MRI's and bone scans and all that jazz I guess. I will forever live my life in fear of this returning and me not knowing. Every little headache, pain and bump and I will get nervous I'm sure, seeing as though I already do. I had a headache for 3 days, a headache that had my life been normal I would have written off as just a caffeine headache and gotten on with my life, but because of the cancer I got nervous and talked to my doctors about it, hence the MRI this weekend.

So Friday I get the port, and then have to go to the dana for blood work. On Saturday I go to the dana to get blood because my red count is so low (16, when its supposed to be in the 40's) and then an MRI. A busy couple of days. A couple days where I won't have the strength, energy or time really to see my precious angel.

Well its naptime now and she's calling out for me, so I"m off to snuggle her into dreamland.

Be well

More on that...

So I had said there'd be more on how I knew my first would be a girl, and how I knew when I'd get pregnant, so here is the story, however short it is lol. I'll even throw in a bonus story of how I knew I was pregnant at just a few weeks along...

Five years ago, more like six now, Scott and I were living in Florida together and we were happy. One morning I awoke and told him all about this amazing dream I had of my grandmother (who passed away in 2000). In this dream I was sitting in her old house, at her kitchen table sipping tea with her. She leaned over and touched my hand and said "She's a beautiful girl. Lots of spirit." and then I heard a little girl laugh in the other room. This little girl came into the room, looked at me and said "Mama, juice please?" and I said "Sure thing Grace" and proceeded to get her a sippy cup of juice. I dont know how I knew it, but in the dream I was 26 years old and the little girl was 1 year old. I awoke from the dream so happy that I had just seen my nana, that it didn't occur to me to think anything of the little girl. That and having been told by a couple doctors that I couldn't get pregnant I had just about giving up hope of having children. Thats why I didnt want to believe the next dream I had with Nana in it....

It was Decemeber 2008, they had taking me off the birth control 6 months previous cause it was messing with my blood pressure, and the metformin the put me on for the PCOS was doing what it was supposed to anyway, so I didnt need birth control to regulate me anymore. I went to bed and all was normal. I awoke about 3AM after having a dream where my nana was telling me I had to wake up and take a pregnancy test because I had to stop taking my pills (they could harm the baby). She kept telling me to take a test as soon as I woke up. So when I awoke at 3AM I kept trying to push it out of my mind. I tossed and turned and finally about 4AM went to the bathroom. I looked to see if we even had any tests in the house (there had been a couple times when we werent ready that we thought I might be, so thats why there were some in the house). And there were two tests in there. So I thought, "well I'll take one so I can go back to sleep!" So I pee on the stick and set it on the counter and wait... and what happens? Two lines appear. I was in shock. Check the directions again to make sure I"m reading it right and yup! I'm pregnant! I pick up the test, walk back in to the bedroom and wake up Scott with "We, uh, we need to talk... I'm pregnant!" as I hand him the test. He startles awake, looks at the test, looks at me, and I have no idea what he said...something along the lines of okay, thats great, we'll talk about it in the morning or close to it I believe. In the morning I took the digital test (had to make sure lol) and sure enough the digital test came back with "PREGNANT" on it. Talk about a sweet dream :-).

So the start of my pregnancy everyone kept telling me not to set my heart on a girl cause if I did, I"d end up with a boy that would steal my heart lol. So when at 18 weeks we went for the big ultrasound to tell us, I wore mostly pink for luck. I had on a pink bra, pink socks, white pants, pink underwear, pink shirt and a pink hair tie. At first she didnt cooperate with us then she showed us her goods and it was definately a girl! Now I'm 26 and my little one with turn one on July 23, 2010, a good 2 months before mommy turns 27, making both of the dreams true. Now all I need is some curly blond hair to sprout on her head to make the first dream complete, but it seems like she got daddy's straight hair so far, but we shall see.

Oh and what makes her birthday so special (besides her of course!) is she was born in July (the same month as my mother) and on the 23rd (my nana was February 23rd). She knew she couldnt wait til her due date of August 10, or that mommy could either, so she came early for all of us :-).

Be well...

A long time..

Been awhile since I wrote last, but in all honesty I'm having trouble finding the energy to sit at my computer and write most days. I do a lot from my cell phone which is how I keep in touch, but to actually sit at the computer and take the time and energy to sit up and type seems like a lot to me lately.

I feel so tired all the time and it doesn't seem to get any better really. I get so frustrated cause I"m so tired and then I get annoyed with myself for being frustrated about being tired cause there is nothing I can do about it. Did that make sense? It did to me. But then again a lot of things make sense to me that might not to others. I can't put two thoughts together anymore lately. Chemo sucks, have I said that yet today?

Just finished up a five day treatment. Just 4 more treatments to go before I am completely done with chemo. Its so weird to say that when I started with 14 treatments! I can't believe I've finished up 10 of them so far. Its awesome to know that I'm almost done.

Grace has TWO teeth now! I can't believe how big she is getting! She is almost sitting on her own now too!

I feel like I"m missing everything.... Like I spent the first 6 months of my baby girl's life in a fog (which I have really) and I blinked and for a moment it cleared, and she is suddenly 6 months old and doing so much... Then the fog comes back and all is what it once was. I feel so robbed of this first year of her life.

I spent all my life wanting to be someone special, I wanted the sad story. I spent years as a teenager cutting myself up just to seem so tragic. I never told anyone that I was doing it, but knowing I was doing it gave me the permission to continue to be sad and depressed. I alienated a lot of people with my stupidity. Now I've grown up and all I wanted was to be a mom. A mom to a beautiful baby girl (knew 5 years ago my first would be a girl) and maybe I wanted that too much. What price did I pay for my baby girl? A big one. I fight for my life, and will for as long as I"m breathing, everyday just so I can live and watch my baby girl grow up. And it saddens me to think that there is nothing I can do to shield her and protect her from the world of hurt cancer brings. I'm her mom and she'll always know how special she is, and how she truly saved my life (more on that later), but how can I tell her all that without also telling her the hell cancer brings? The fear, the pain, the exhaustion? The weight loss (to me a bonus cause I was huge to begin with and am NOW starting to get it under control thanks to chemo), the not knowing, the fear (yes I know, I said it twice, its a big one). Its such a scary scary road I travel now.

The uncertainty of life suddenly scares me. How one day its here and the next day the rug can be pulled out from under you and the walls come crashing down. Its like the Robert Frost poem says:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

And in all honesty, the road I am taking is the one less traveled, one no one would travel if they could avoid it. There are no warning signs that cancer has snuck into you and taken over. All you get are symptoms and signs that its there, but nothing you can do about it. There is no knock on the door where cancer says "Hey, I'm here, can I come in now?" and you get the option to slam the door and keep the prowler away. You just can't. And it doesn't seem fair.

I spent my pregnancy in a blissful hell wondering if my lupus would cause me to miscarry before the baby would be able to survive outside the womb (with lots of help and doctors). Then I spent everyday thanking God that I made it one more day pregnant, and the closer I got to my due date the happier I became. I spent days sitting in hospitals so they could monitor me and the baby, and hours agonizing over whether or not I should call the doctor cause I hadn't felt the baby move in awhile. I spent hours waiting on doctors and tests and at 36 weeks I got sick with toxemia. At 37 weeks I had my baby girl and she is perfect. I couldn't ask for a better child. I made it further in my pregnancy than any of the doctors thought I would, or could.

And now I"ll spend every day of her life in another blissful hell. One where I"ll continue to fight, not only for her life but mine.

This cancer robbed me of so much and it just keeps taking... I've lost the strength I once had that I took for granted. The ability to stand and walk around takes up so much energy that I can't even take my baby girl out for a walk. I've lost all those features I once took for granted, such as hair and eyebrows and lashes. All the things that made me a woman are slowly leaving me. Even the ability to have children now is a dream as the chemo has taken that away I'm afraid. I always wanted two or three children, now I"ll have my one little miracle child and that's it.

OK this pity party has lasted long enough. Time to grab my princess and take a nap with her again. The simple things in life I get to do and not take for granted.

Wigs and Things

So I finally did it. Went and got a wig. My sister in law came with me and I'm glad she did. She was able to help me find a wig I liked, whereas I'd still be insisting I should be a blonde lol. Tried on a bunch of different wigs, in all different colors and styles, and finally settled on a chin length cut, with bangs, in a deep brown. I like it. Its different from my usual look, so it should be fun.

Still no car, but we are working on it. Its registered and insured, but the battery has no juice. So we'll get that taken care of tomorrow.

Grace is getting huge. She's been eating rice and varies other fruits and veggies. She loves everything except applesauce so far. Can't say I blame her, I dont like the stuff myself but thats me, and apparently her too lol. She loves carrots, pears, bananas, and sweet potatoes so far. Next up is squash, then peas, then green beans and whatever else I can find for her lol. I'm so excited by this step.

The eyes have it...

Or dont.

Back in the eye patch this past week. Sucks. I should have listened more closely when she talked to us at our last visit. Oh well. Just until tomorrow and then it should come off again, I hope.

The new year came and went, and I've decided that 2010 will be our year. The year we beat cancer, and got back on our feet.

When I first got diagnosed, I had started planning one fun activity a month to give me something to look forward to. We did apple picking in September, pumpkins in October, November we were supposed to have a "tea" at my moms house, but I ended up in the hospital, December we saw Santa. For January I wanted to go to the Museum of Science, but I don't have the 60$ extra to spend, so looks like all my ideas are out the window... nothing to look forward to now. I hadn't planned anything for February or beyond yet, but I was thinking about stuff, but it doesn't really matter unless Scott gets a job (which he will, cause this is our year. I can feel the change coming.)

We've got rent covered this month, even the cobra payment, but nothing beyond that. We have to pay our phone bill, plus electric, and car insurance, which brings us back to the first of the month when we'll have no money for rent. Don't know what we'll do then, but I know we'll figure it out and land on our feet...

Be well...