I'm really starting to hate my body and life. I'm so tired of feeling lousy, tired, sore and just really blah. I'm tired of all the doctors appointments and running around. I feel like every time I should be seeing the doctors less and less something happens and I'm back to being at the hospital once a week or so. I really just don't want to be me anymore. I want a do-over, a repeat, a chance to start fresh. I just want to feel like myself again, who ever that is. I'm not sure I remember anymore.

This is not the life I signed up for, this is not the life I planned. I feel like for every step towards health I get bounced back 2. I just can't do this anymore, I can't keep living like this. I was never sick and now in the past 7 years I've spent more time sick than healthy. How is this a life worth living? I just keep beating my head against a wall of a medical shit storm. How did this happen to me? Got no where to run, this life just keeps going on, and I'm fading into a medical hell hole, and I'm so sick of this fucking life and I just want to scream.

Why did God help me make it through cancer just to live in this nightmare? Why would he ever want one of his children to suffer so much. Death would have been better I think.

I'm taking my dark head, sick body and going to bed, I'll pull the covers over my head and start fresh tomorrow and try again. But right now I feel empty, dark, defeated and so damn itchy and in so much fucking pain that I need to not adult for now, I'll try again tomorrow.