The rain has finally stopped. Outside as well as in and I can honestly say that I somehow have found the strength to make it through whatever life throws at me now. I've got this whole new appreciation for life that I definately didn't have before cancer and I don't think I'll ever take life for granted the way I used to.
Every other day I enjoy taking a nice bath with my beautiful little girl, who by the way has figured out that splashing in the tub is so much fun. I think I'm going to have to get more bath toys for us, she gets so mad when I take her out of the water, and I know that if she's having a very cranky day I can put her in the tub and she becomes a different person. Every day we snuggle together for nap time and at bedtime, I either snuggle her or rub her back til she is asleep, and then I usually sit there for a few minutes longer and just watch her. And I think, she's all mine. I grew this tiny, beautiful, special child inside of me, and I get the profound joy and pleasure of helping her grow up and become a wonderful person who will do great things.
We lost power last night with the storm, and I can honestly say that our house had never been so dark and quiet. But it was so great to lay in bed with Scott and just whisper with each other about absolutely nothing at all. I had forgotten how special those stolen moments could be. And long after he had fallen asleep, I laid next to him and listened to him breath and thought, how lucky am I to have such a wonderful husband. And on the other side of me, my beautiful girl slept peacefully in her crib next to my bed. Honestly I am beyond blessed and loved by these two special people. And if this should be the extent of my family, if there should be no more children, then so be it. There is more than enough love here to last a lifetime and more.
It amazes me that it took a raging storm outside to calm the one inside of me. But God obviously knew what I needed to find my ground again, to find my center. He knew just how to restore the peace and harmony to my life.
Be well....
Friday, February 26, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
In the still of the night....
So yesterday was my 3 year wedding anniversary, YAY! We had a quiet day at home and just enjoyed each other, as well as Grace.
Yesterday also marked Grace's 7th month. My beautiful Grace Anne. Yesterday is also very special because it would have been my nana's, Anne Grace, 87th birthday. Yes. February 23rd is a blessed day.
Today was a tough day. I can't stop thinking about the what if's again. I wish there was some way to make them just go away once and for all. It seems the closer I get to the end of chemo the more they keep popping up. I hate them. I sit there and just want to cry so much and it makes the day seem so awful. The weather doesn't help either. Although don't get me wrong, I much rather the rain than snow, but a little sunshine would be nice.
I've been trying so hard the last 7 months not to be angry with God. But lately I just can't help it. I keep thinking why me, why now, why ever? What did I do that was so wrong, so awful, to deserve this punishment? And thats what it feels like, like I'm being punished for something. Did I want my baby too much? Did I do something wrong? I've tried so hard to come up with answers to this whole mess but the more I try the more questions I come up with. I find myself hating life right now, and all I want to do is climb into a hole and not come out. I want to go sit on the beach and just yell and scream and cry about the injustice of it all. I'm so damned tired of being strong, and positive and upbeat about everything all the time. I'm not strong! I can't do this and some nights I go to bed and just cry about how unfair this all is. I'm really not strong. Everyone thinks I am, but I'm not. I only continue to fight because of Grace. If it weren't for her, I would have stopped treatments long ago and let the cancer kill me, cause in all honesty, I can't take much more of this. The treatments leave me feeling weak, and tired and helpless. All things I hate feeling. Three surgeries in six months have left me feeling battered and bruised. I freak out with every little headache and feeling, so sure that the tumor is growing inside me again. I can't wait for my next MRI so I can put those fears to rest. I'm just purely exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep the rest of this away but I can't. I'm just too tired for all this and I dont want to bother anyone at all with it. I pray everynight that it will get better, that it will be okay, but I'm starting to wonder if my prayers are heard. Nothing is working out in my life. Scott still doesn't have a job, the bills are piling up and its a crushing weight to carry. I'm starting to feel like nothing will ever get better....
Goodnight all...
Yesterday also marked Grace's 7th month. My beautiful Grace Anne. Yesterday is also very special because it would have been my nana's, Anne Grace, 87th birthday. Yes. February 23rd is a blessed day.
Today was a tough day. I can't stop thinking about the what if's again. I wish there was some way to make them just go away once and for all. It seems the closer I get to the end of chemo the more they keep popping up. I hate them. I sit there and just want to cry so much and it makes the day seem so awful. The weather doesn't help either. Although don't get me wrong, I much rather the rain than snow, but a little sunshine would be nice.
I've been trying so hard the last 7 months not to be angry with God. But lately I just can't help it. I keep thinking why me, why now, why ever? What did I do that was so wrong, so awful, to deserve this punishment? And thats what it feels like, like I'm being punished for something. Did I want my baby too much? Did I do something wrong? I've tried so hard to come up with answers to this whole mess but the more I try the more questions I come up with. I find myself hating life right now, and all I want to do is climb into a hole and not come out. I want to go sit on the beach and just yell and scream and cry about the injustice of it all. I'm so damned tired of being strong, and positive and upbeat about everything all the time. I'm not strong! I can't do this and some nights I go to bed and just cry about how unfair this all is. I'm really not strong. Everyone thinks I am, but I'm not. I only continue to fight because of Grace. If it weren't for her, I would have stopped treatments long ago and let the cancer kill me, cause in all honesty, I can't take much more of this. The treatments leave me feeling weak, and tired and helpless. All things I hate feeling. Three surgeries in six months have left me feeling battered and bruised. I freak out with every little headache and feeling, so sure that the tumor is growing inside me again. I can't wait for my next MRI so I can put those fears to rest. I'm just purely exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep the rest of this away but I can't. I'm just too tired for all this and I dont want to bother anyone at all with it. I pray everynight that it will get better, that it will be okay, but I'm starting to wonder if my prayers are heard. Nothing is working out in my life. Scott still doesn't have a job, the bills are piling up and its a crushing weight to carry. I'm starting to feel like nothing will ever get better....
Goodnight all...
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Rainy day....
Not outside, but inside it is.
I'm having a tough time today and I'm sure its the lack of sleep thats doing it to me. Why a lack of sleep, you ask? Well for one my lovely little angel has decided that 7AM is a good time to wake up, so not nice. For two, I'm having a minor surgery tomorrow to have a port put in and its making me nervous. Not only that, but because I want to make sure I'm good and hydrated for said surgery tomorrow, I've been drinking more than 2 quarts of water and juice a day, which means I'm up all night peeing. Its a viscious cycle.
But I sit here with tears in my eyes and a feeling of despair in my heart. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the end of my journey, but it just seems so far away and its a little to dim today. And then I start thinking about the what if's. What if it just keeps coming back? I'm trying so hard to be strong, but in all honesty, the chemo and cancer have beaten me down so much that I just don't have it in me anymore. And add on the horrible cold weather and snow and I just can't take it anymore. I just want this all to be over, I just can't take anymore of it. I'm so tired, and worn out and all I want to do is go back to before I even got pregnant and start all over again. I'd do it all so differently this time. I'd like to redo my entire adulthood differently. There would be more photos, and more laughter. I wouldn't have wasted one minute of any day if I had known I was going to end up here. I think about all those missed oppertunities and lazy days at home watching t.v and I wish I had spent more time with friends and family. There is so much I think about and so much I wish I could change. The only thing I can do now is try to make tomorrow better I guess.
But how can I make tomorrow better when I still have 3 more months of chemo to go through, and another surgery.
I have an MRI on Saturday and quite honetly I'm scared of the results. I'll always be scared of results of MRI's and bone scans and all that jazz I guess. I will forever live my life in fear of this returning and me not knowing. Every little headache, pain and bump and I will get nervous I'm sure, seeing as though I already do. I had a headache for 3 days, a headache that had my life been normal I would have written off as just a caffeine headache and gotten on with my life, but because of the cancer I got nervous and talked to my doctors about it, hence the MRI this weekend.
So Friday I get the port, and then have to go to the dana for blood work. On Saturday I go to the dana to get blood because my red count is so low (16, when its supposed to be in the 40's) and then an MRI. A busy couple of days. A couple days where I won't have the strength, energy or time really to see my precious angel.
Well its naptime now and she's calling out for me, so I"m off to snuggle her into dreamland.
Be well
I'm having a tough time today and I'm sure its the lack of sleep thats doing it to me. Why a lack of sleep, you ask? Well for one my lovely little angel has decided that 7AM is a good time to wake up, so not nice. For two, I'm having a minor surgery tomorrow to have a port put in and its making me nervous. Not only that, but because I want to make sure I'm good and hydrated for said surgery tomorrow, I've been drinking more than 2 quarts of water and juice a day, which means I'm up all night peeing. Its a viscious cycle.
But I sit here with tears in my eyes and a feeling of despair in my heart. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the end of my journey, but it just seems so far away and its a little to dim today. And then I start thinking about the what if's. What if it just keeps coming back? I'm trying so hard to be strong, but in all honesty, the chemo and cancer have beaten me down so much that I just don't have it in me anymore. And add on the horrible cold weather and snow and I just can't take it anymore. I just want this all to be over, I just can't take anymore of it. I'm so tired, and worn out and all I want to do is go back to before I even got pregnant and start all over again. I'd do it all so differently this time. I'd like to redo my entire adulthood differently. There would be more photos, and more laughter. I wouldn't have wasted one minute of any day if I had known I was going to end up here. I think about all those missed oppertunities and lazy days at home watching t.v and I wish I had spent more time with friends and family. There is so much I think about and so much I wish I could change. The only thing I can do now is try to make tomorrow better I guess.
But how can I make tomorrow better when I still have 3 more months of chemo to go through, and another surgery.
I have an MRI on Saturday and quite honetly I'm scared of the results. I'll always be scared of results of MRI's and bone scans and all that jazz I guess. I will forever live my life in fear of this returning and me not knowing. Every little headache, pain and bump and I will get nervous I'm sure, seeing as though I already do. I had a headache for 3 days, a headache that had my life been normal I would have written off as just a caffeine headache and gotten on with my life, but because of the cancer I got nervous and talked to my doctors about it, hence the MRI this weekend.
So Friday I get the port, and then have to go to the dana for blood work. On Saturday I go to the dana to get blood because my red count is so low (16, when its supposed to be in the 40's) and then an MRI. A busy couple of days. A couple days where I won't have the strength, energy or time really to see my precious angel.
Well its naptime now and she's calling out for me, so I"m off to snuggle her into dreamland.
Be well
Friday, February 5, 2010
More on that...
So I had said there'd be more on how I knew my first would be a girl, and how I knew when I'd get pregnant, so here is the story, however short it is lol. I'll even throw in a bonus story of how I knew I was pregnant at just a few weeks along...
Five years ago, more like six now, Scott and I were living in Florida together and we were happy. One morning I awoke and told him all about this amazing dream I had of my grandmother (who passed away in 2000). In this dream I was sitting in her old house, at her kitchen table sipping tea with her. She leaned over and touched my hand and said "She's a beautiful girl. Lots of spirit." and then I heard a little girl laugh in the other room. This little girl came into the room, looked at me and said "Mama, juice please?" and I said "Sure thing Grace" and proceeded to get her a sippy cup of juice. I dont know how I knew it, but in the dream I was 26 years old and the little girl was 1 year old. I awoke from the dream so happy that I had just seen my nana, that it didn't occur to me to think anything of the little girl. That and having been told by a couple doctors that I couldn't get pregnant I had just about giving up hope of having children. Thats why I didnt want to believe the next dream I had with Nana in it....
It was Decemeber 2008, they had taking me off the birth control 6 months previous cause it was messing with my blood pressure, and the metformin the put me on for the PCOS was doing what it was supposed to anyway, so I didnt need birth control to regulate me anymore. I went to bed and all was normal. I awoke about 3AM after having a dream where my nana was telling me I had to wake up and take a pregnancy test because I had to stop taking my pills (they could harm the baby). She kept telling me to take a test as soon as I woke up. So when I awoke at 3AM I kept trying to push it out of my mind. I tossed and turned and finally about 4AM went to the bathroom. I looked to see if we even had any tests in the house (there had been a couple times when we werent ready that we thought I might be, so thats why there were some in the house). And there were two tests in there. So I thought, "well I'll take one so I can go back to sleep!" So I pee on the stick and set it on the counter and wait... and what happens? Two lines appear. I was in shock. Check the directions again to make sure I"m reading it right and yup! I'm pregnant! I pick up the test, walk back in to the bedroom and wake up Scott with "We, uh, we need to talk... I'm pregnant!" as I hand him the test. He startles awake, looks at the test, looks at me, and I have no idea what he said...something along the lines of okay, thats great, we'll talk about it in the morning or close to it I believe. In the morning I took the digital test (had to make sure lol) and sure enough the digital test came back with "PREGNANT" on it. Talk about a sweet dream :-).
So the start of my pregnancy everyone kept telling me not to set my heart on a girl cause if I did, I"d end up with a boy that would steal my heart lol. So when at 18 weeks we went for the big ultrasound to tell us, I wore mostly pink for luck. I had on a pink bra, pink socks, white pants, pink underwear, pink shirt and a pink hair tie. At first she didnt cooperate with us then she showed us her goods and it was definately a girl! Now I'm 26 and my little one with turn one on July 23, 2010, a good 2 months before mommy turns 27, making both of the dreams true. Now all I need is some curly blond hair to sprout on her head to make the first dream complete, but it seems like she got daddy's straight hair so far, but we shall see.
Oh and what makes her birthday so special (besides her of course!) is she was born in July (the same month as my mother) and on the 23rd (my nana was February 23rd). She knew she couldnt wait til her due date of August 10, or that mommy could either, so she came early for all of us :-).
Be well...
Five years ago, more like six now, Scott and I were living in Florida together and we were happy. One morning I awoke and told him all about this amazing dream I had of my grandmother (who passed away in 2000). In this dream I was sitting in her old house, at her kitchen table sipping tea with her. She leaned over and touched my hand and said "She's a beautiful girl. Lots of spirit." and then I heard a little girl laugh in the other room. This little girl came into the room, looked at me and said "Mama, juice please?" and I said "Sure thing Grace" and proceeded to get her a sippy cup of juice. I dont know how I knew it, but in the dream I was 26 years old and the little girl was 1 year old. I awoke from the dream so happy that I had just seen my nana, that it didn't occur to me to think anything of the little girl. That and having been told by a couple doctors that I couldn't get pregnant I had just about giving up hope of having children. Thats why I didnt want to believe the next dream I had with Nana in it....
It was Decemeber 2008, they had taking me off the birth control 6 months previous cause it was messing with my blood pressure, and the metformin the put me on for the PCOS was doing what it was supposed to anyway, so I didnt need birth control to regulate me anymore. I went to bed and all was normal. I awoke about 3AM after having a dream where my nana was telling me I had to wake up and take a pregnancy test because I had to stop taking my pills (they could harm the baby). She kept telling me to take a test as soon as I woke up. So when I awoke at 3AM I kept trying to push it out of my mind. I tossed and turned and finally about 4AM went to the bathroom. I looked to see if we even had any tests in the house (there had been a couple times when we werent ready that we thought I might be, so thats why there were some in the house). And there were two tests in there. So I thought, "well I'll take one so I can go back to sleep!" So I pee on the stick and set it on the counter and wait... and what happens? Two lines appear. I was in shock. Check the directions again to make sure I"m reading it right and yup! I'm pregnant! I pick up the test, walk back in to the bedroom and wake up Scott with "We, uh, we need to talk... I'm pregnant!" as I hand him the test. He startles awake, looks at the test, looks at me, and I have no idea what he said...something along the lines of okay, thats great, we'll talk about it in the morning or close to it I believe. In the morning I took the digital test (had to make sure lol) and sure enough the digital test came back with "PREGNANT" on it. Talk about a sweet dream :-).
So the start of my pregnancy everyone kept telling me not to set my heart on a girl cause if I did, I"d end up with a boy that would steal my heart lol. So when at 18 weeks we went for the big ultrasound to tell us, I wore mostly pink for luck. I had on a pink bra, pink socks, white pants, pink underwear, pink shirt and a pink hair tie. At first she didnt cooperate with us then she showed us her goods and it was definately a girl! Now I'm 26 and my little one with turn one on July 23, 2010, a good 2 months before mommy turns 27, making both of the dreams true. Now all I need is some curly blond hair to sprout on her head to make the first dream complete, but it seems like she got daddy's straight hair so far, but we shall see.
Oh and what makes her birthday so special (besides her of course!) is she was born in July (the same month as my mother) and on the 23rd (my nana was February 23rd). She knew she couldnt wait til her due date of August 10, or that mommy could either, so she came early for all of us :-).
Be well...
Monday, February 1, 2010
A long time..
Been awhile since I wrote last, but in all honesty I'm having trouble finding the energy to sit at my computer and write most days. I do a lot from my cell phone which is how I keep in touch, but to actually sit at the computer and take the time and energy to sit up and type seems like a lot to me lately.
I feel so tired all the time and it doesn't seem to get any better really. I get so frustrated cause I"m so tired and then I get annoyed with myself for being frustrated about being tired cause there is nothing I can do about it. Did that make sense? It did to me. But then again a lot of things make sense to me that might not to others. I can't put two thoughts together anymore lately. Chemo sucks, have I said that yet today?
Just finished up a five day treatment. Just 4 more treatments to go before I am completely done with chemo. Its so weird to say that when I started with 14 treatments! I can't believe I've finished up 10 of them so far. Its awesome to know that I'm almost done.
Grace has TWO teeth now! I can't believe how big she is getting! She is almost sitting on her own now too!
I feel like I"m missing everything.... Like I spent the first 6 months of my baby girl's life in a fog (which I have really) and I blinked and for a moment it cleared, and she is suddenly 6 months old and doing so much... Then the fog comes back and all is what it once was. I feel so robbed of this first year of her life.
I spent all my life wanting to be someone special, I wanted the sad story. I spent years as a teenager cutting myself up just to seem so tragic. I never told anyone that I was doing it, but knowing I was doing it gave me the permission to continue to be sad and depressed. I alienated a lot of people with my stupidity. Now I've grown up and all I wanted was to be a mom. A mom to a beautiful baby girl (knew 5 years ago my first would be a girl) and maybe I wanted that too much. What price did I pay for my baby girl? A big one. I fight for my life, and will for as long as I"m breathing, everyday just so I can live and watch my baby girl grow up. And it saddens me to think that there is nothing I can do to shield her and protect her from the world of hurt cancer brings. I'm her mom and she'll always know how special she is, and how she truly saved my life (more on that later), but how can I tell her all that without also telling her the hell cancer brings? The fear, the pain, the exhaustion? The weight loss (to me a bonus cause I was huge to begin with and am NOW starting to get it under control thanks to chemo), the not knowing, the fear (yes I know, I said it twice, its a big one). Its such a scary scary road I travel now.
The uncertainty of life suddenly scares me. How one day its here and the next day the rug can be pulled out from under you and the walls come crashing down. Its like the Robert Frost poem says:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And in all honesty, the road I am taking is the one less traveled, one no one would travel if they could avoid it. There are no warning signs that cancer has snuck into you and taken over. All you get are symptoms and signs that its there, but nothing you can do about it. There is no knock on the door where cancer says "Hey, I'm here, can I come in now?" and you get the option to slam the door and keep the prowler away. You just can't. And it doesn't seem fair.
I spent my pregnancy in a blissful hell wondering if my lupus would cause me to miscarry before the baby would be able to survive outside the womb (with lots of help and doctors). Then I spent everyday thanking God that I made it one more day pregnant, and the closer I got to my due date the happier I became. I spent days sitting in hospitals so they could monitor me and the baby, and hours agonizing over whether or not I should call the doctor cause I hadn't felt the baby move in awhile. I spent hours waiting on doctors and tests and at 36 weeks I got sick with toxemia. At 37 weeks I had my baby girl and she is perfect. I couldn't ask for a better child. I made it further in my pregnancy than any of the doctors thought I would, or could.
And now I"ll spend every day of her life in another blissful hell. One where I"ll continue to fight, not only for her life but mine.
This cancer robbed me of so much and it just keeps taking... I've lost the strength I once had that I took for granted. The ability to stand and walk around takes up so much energy that I can't even take my baby girl out for a walk. I've lost all those features I once took for granted, such as hair and eyebrows and lashes. All the things that made me a woman are slowly leaving me. Even the ability to have children now is a dream as the chemo has taken that away I'm afraid. I always wanted two or three children, now I"ll have my one little miracle child and that's it.
OK this pity party has lasted long enough. Time to grab my princess and take a nap with her again. The simple things in life I get to do and not take for granted.
I feel so tired all the time and it doesn't seem to get any better really. I get so frustrated cause I"m so tired and then I get annoyed with myself for being frustrated about being tired cause there is nothing I can do about it. Did that make sense? It did to me. But then again a lot of things make sense to me that might not to others. I can't put two thoughts together anymore lately. Chemo sucks, have I said that yet today?
Just finished up a five day treatment. Just 4 more treatments to go before I am completely done with chemo. Its so weird to say that when I started with 14 treatments! I can't believe I've finished up 10 of them so far. Its awesome to know that I'm almost done.
Grace has TWO teeth now! I can't believe how big she is getting! She is almost sitting on her own now too!
I feel like I"m missing everything.... Like I spent the first 6 months of my baby girl's life in a fog (which I have really) and I blinked and for a moment it cleared, and she is suddenly 6 months old and doing so much... Then the fog comes back and all is what it once was. I feel so robbed of this first year of her life.
I spent all my life wanting to be someone special, I wanted the sad story. I spent years as a teenager cutting myself up just to seem so tragic. I never told anyone that I was doing it, but knowing I was doing it gave me the permission to continue to be sad and depressed. I alienated a lot of people with my stupidity. Now I've grown up and all I wanted was to be a mom. A mom to a beautiful baby girl (knew 5 years ago my first would be a girl) and maybe I wanted that too much. What price did I pay for my baby girl? A big one. I fight for my life, and will for as long as I"m breathing, everyday just so I can live and watch my baby girl grow up. And it saddens me to think that there is nothing I can do to shield her and protect her from the world of hurt cancer brings. I'm her mom and she'll always know how special she is, and how she truly saved my life (more on that later), but how can I tell her all that without also telling her the hell cancer brings? The fear, the pain, the exhaustion? The weight loss (to me a bonus cause I was huge to begin with and am NOW starting to get it under control thanks to chemo), the not knowing, the fear (yes I know, I said it twice, its a big one). Its such a scary scary road I travel now.
The uncertainty of life suddenly scares me. How one day its here and the next day the rug can be pulled out from under you and the walls come crashing down. Its like the Robert Frost poem says:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And in all honesty, the road I am taking is the one less traveled, one no one would travel if they could avoid it. There are no warning signs that cancer has snuck into you and taken over. All you get are symptoms and signs that its there, but nothing you can do about it. There is no knock on the door where cancer says "Hey, I'm here, can I come in now?" and you get the option to slam the door and keep the prowler away. You just can't. And it doesn't seem fair.
I spent my pregnancy in a blissful hell wondering if my lupus would cause me to miscarry before the baby would be able to survive outside the womb (with lots of help and doctors). Then I spent everyday thanking God that I made it one more day pregnant, and the closer I got to my due date the happier I became. I spent days sitting in hospitals so they could monitor me and the baby, and hours agonizing over whether or not I should call the doctor cause I hadn't felt the baby move in awhile. I spent hours waiting on doctors and tests and at 36 weeks I got sick with toxemia. At 37 weeks I had my baby girl and she is perfect. I couldn't ask for a better child. I made it further in my pregnancy than any of the doctors thought I would, or could.
And now I"ll spend every day of her life in another blissful hell. One where I"ll continue to fight, not only for her life but mine.
This cancer robbed me of so much and it just keeps taking... I've lost the strength I once had that I took for granted. The ability to stand and walk around takes up so much energy that I can't even take my baby girl out for a walk. I've lost all those features I once took for granted, such as hair and eyebrows and lashes. All the things that made me a woman are slowly leaving me. Even the ability to have children now is a dream as the chemo has taken that away I'm afraid. I always wanted two or three children, now I"ll have my one little miracle child and that's it.
OK this pity party has lasted long enough. Time to grab my princess and take a nap with her again. The simple things in life I get to do and not take for granted.
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