Its just emotions…

And they are all over the place lately.

I just don’t know how to let go of all that I had dreamed of, and wanted for my life and accept the new reality that is my life.  I am unbelievably angry over the fact that I feel so robbed of so much and yet, I have no say in it, or control over it.  I just don’t know how to accept what is my new reality.  I want my life back, I want my head to stop hurting, my joints to stop aching and I, in all honesty, want my hair back! I want to not feel so tired, and emotional, and just so sore! I hurt all the time, and I’m so tired all the time that I don’t know how to deal with it anymore.  How do I accept this new reality? How do I accept my new fate, and start to build new dreams?  I’m so lost and confused about all this and I have no one to really turn to.  None of my friends or family ever went through this, and I… *sigh* really need to find a doctor to talk to, and get meds from.  Ugh…

We had our family photos done on Sunday, and they came out so cute! I was so nervous cause Grace fell asleep on the couch about an hour before we had to leave, and surprisingly she slept through the diaper change and getting dressed, and the transition into the car, then OUT of the car and into the stroller. She only woke up in the lobby because some kid was crying (thankfully hehe). 

First set of professional photos and she did great! I’m so proud of her. 

Be well…

Pain management

(written August 19, 2010)

I have spent so much of the past year in pain from one thing or another that I didn’t stop to think about the pain in my head. The low, constant, dull throbbing, with the occasional sharp, shooting pain until recently.  I was concerned about it so I went to the doctor, and also went to see them because my incision site was hurting and was starting to turn red.  So I guess I have some nerve damage and I need to see a neurologist for pain management now, which will include some sort of medication. When I tried to call the number my oncologist gave me, the receptionist told me that that doctor didn’t see patients with what I had, when I told him my oncologist talked to him and was told to give me his number to call to make an appointment he said “I’ll have to verify that with him and call you back.” Needless to say, its been 24 hours and I still haven’t heard anything so I’m calling Dr Crystal back and hoping for something good to happen, who knows!

Grace is her usual one woman destruction team! She’s learning how to use a fork and spoon and would love to get her hands on a knife but we keep those out of reach.  A week ago I lost one of her binky’s in the bedroom somewhere, I figured it fell under her crib and we’d get it later, no big deal cause she had another one.  Well this morning she lost her OTHER binky and I was like “Oh well, guess we go without.” Yea that worked until this afternoon when she was tired and freaking out cause she wanted her binky.  I tried putting her in the crib without it, she screamed for 15 minutes, and then fell asleep, for 30 minutes, then was up and screaming for it again.  I went upstairs and searched, I looked under the crib and it wasn’t there, so I looked in the crib, pulled it all apart, and still no binky.  Where did I end up finding it? In between the mattress and springs in the MIDDLE of the crib!!! How did it get there? I have no idea!!

(written August 20, 2010)

Saw the neurologist today, he confirmed what Dr. Crystal said, nerve damage.  So he gave me a prescription for some drug and sent me on my way, with instructions to call in a couple weeks and return in 3 months.  Here’s hoping this helps!

Grace was perfect at my appointment, such an angel. Helps that it was so early in the morning that she was so sleepy for it.

In sad news, my television completely died today. Won’t turn on at all now. Now we have to go spend the money on a new one. But the good news is (seeing as I didn’t post it when it happened) Scott was offered a full time position with the company he’s been contracting for!! Pay raise, health insurance and all that jazz, YAY!!

I go in on Wednesday to Boston, to get an ultrasound by a specialist.  I probably should have asked why and what not but I didn’t so I guess I have to wait and find out on Wednesday. My mom is going to go with me (Thanks Auntie Robin for watching Grandpa so she can go) and that will give me a hand with Grace.  I think my mom wants to go so she can ask the questions I probably should have when they called to schedule the appointment. 

Be well…

An apology

I probably sounded like such a bitch in my post yesterday and I do apologize for that. I just was feeling so low last night and wasn't finding comfort from anyone and it was starting to get to me. The only person I could get any comfort from doesn't understand what is going on and is too little to give me any support really. She's great for a cuddle, and I definately needed some of those, but she's one and full of all her own little problems, like the knife that is out of her reach, or daddys chair blocking his computer and all those other little things that she cant have that she just wants at her age lol.

I feel betrayed by my body and by the medicine that saved my life. I feel like I'm on the edge here and just one more bit of disappointing news will send me over the edge, where are my friends when I need them? Why do I feel so alone? This isnt fair in anyway. I'm 27! I should NOT be facing menopause, and infertility! I was just starting my family damnit! I feel just like my toddler does at the moment, and she once again managed to fall on her butt (cause she was trying to walk OVER something instead of around it). I feel like I just fell on my butt, and not onto a carpeted floor! But the hard pavement, covered in ice! And unlike the last time I fell on the ice, I am already home and there is no changing my situation. All I can do is sit here and cry, but I've got no one holding my hand this time, no one trying to help me get back up.

I'm feeling beyond robbed of so much at the moment! I was so sick for most of her firsts and now I will never get to see and experience those firsts with another. Why did this happen to me? I am incredibly angry right now and I hate that I feel this way!

Im done for now

First, Last, Only

So looks like my first born will also be my last born, which makes her my only born. I will never again be pregnant, I will never feel the flutter of little movements in my belly, and I will never hear the precious sound of my baby's heartbeat over an ultrasound. All those firsts I looked forward to, thinking I'd get to see it at least once more and I learned I won't get to. I feel so robbed. If I had known this would be my only chance to experience all this I would have done it differently, better, and I would have marveled in the wonder of it all a bit more.

So that being said, I need to rant about it all as well. I swear if I hear "It could be worse" "At least you have Grace" or "You just never know" one more time I may loose it. Why can't I have just ONE day to mourn the loss of my dream? Why cant I have just ONE day to be sad about it? Why does everyone feel the need to try to say something to make it better? Ya know what, just say "that sucks" and let me get on with it in my own time.

Thats it for tonight, I'm done....