While 2016 has sucked so much, I'm not going to dwell on it.  I'm looking forward to 2017, almost the same as I did 2010. I feel a change coming, something good is bound to happen soon and I'm ready for it. Unfortunately I seem to be finishing out the year with another lupus flare, I'm declining again and it sucks. I've been without a couple very much so needed meds for the lupus due to insurance issues and it's screwing me up badly. So hopefully Scott with have a job soon and we will have better insurance coverage.

But hey, I said it earlier, 2017 is a new year and I feel a big change coming.

The second half of this year has been a hard one on my family. When Scott was working we just barely made ends meet, with him out of work it's impossible, the ends can not meet anymore. Somehow, we find a way every month to keep going, keep everything turned on (utilities and whatnot) and still have a teeny amount for groceries. We always make do. With God at my side I can make it through anything.

The stress of no job, no money, and my family falling apart was hard on me. Plus add in missing prescriptions because medicare just sucks (one with medicare is 240, but goodrx.com gave us a coupon and brought it to 90, riddle me that?). While that's a better price, we still can't afford it. So with missing meds and the stress of everything going on I ended up in an epic lupus flare up. I was so sick, I was in tons of pain, vomiting, weak, had skin rashes in in 3 spots, losing weight, dehydrated, couldn't get warm at all, and was sleeping almost round the clock.  I had to run a girl scout meeting during this flare up, and I put on a smile, led my troop and did a good job. But when I came home, I collapsed, I sat down and fell into a sleep for a few hours, awoke, got ready for bed, went back to sleep, woke the following morning, got Grace ready for school, then went back to bed. I probably slept close to 20 hours. When I started noticing pain in my side, and some other scary things I asked for the hospital, and I never ask for that, in fact I usually fight it (like the night I fell down my stairs and knocked a melon sized lump onto my head). I do not like hospitals, being a bother or taking care away from someone who might need it more. It's just who I am. But I did ask, I had Scott take me in, to the ONE hospital I despise most because it was closest.  They put me on prednisone and sent me home after a few hours, bunches of tests and fluids. It would take more than a week, plus getting a bit worse, before the prednisone finally kicked in. Now I'm nervous bout prednisone weight.  The past month was hell on me, my family, my house, and quite frankly I was so scared, and after the girl scout meeting, I thought I was dying. I really felt awful. And while I lay in the hospital bed, I lay wondering that if my kidneys were being attacked, or any vital organs, would I someday need a transplant, and would someone help?  The lupus affects my liver function tests a little, has for a long time but the counts are steady so it's not too scary. This was the first time I ever thought about what lupus means to my future, and I didn't like it. 

On this day 2009, I weighed in at 239. When chemo ended in 2010 and I could eat again, I held back on nothing. I ate a lot. I went all the way up to 320lbs just before my father died on 1/1/2013. It would take his death for me to realize that I was doing to MY family the same thing he did to us. My father was a big man and he always ate what he wanted when he wanted, health problems be damned. I didn't want to do that anymore, I didn't want to hurt my family. In the year following his death I dropped 100lbs, shocking doctors and others around me. In the years since I've maintained the same weight. Not always easily, because I do happen to have a big weakness for sweets, but I did. Losing the 10 pounds with flare has put me from 223 to 213, just 13 away from my original small goal. Now, I'm ready to head back to the gym, and get to working out again.  That might have to wait a while though, wish us luck on Scott's job hunt, huh? 

I never thought I'd see the day where I weighed almost under 200lbs. I ballooned up as a young teen and never looked back. Now seeing the number so close to it I really wanna make it happen. I'd like to lose another 20% of my weight, at least, but in all honesty, being under 200 sounds nice 

Be well all!