I fear that in trying to be a good mother I've actually ended up doing wrong by my child. I never wanted to hear her cry so whenever she sarted I went to her. I let her sleep with me, and now thats she's older and I'm feeling better I'm trying to get her to sleep on her own. We were doing pretty good until she got sick this past week and now things are all messed up again. She's in her crib, crying her eyes out and has been since 3am and its now almost 5. I want to go to her, pick her up and tell her I'll never leave her, but what would that do? Ease my guilt but then we'd just have to do this all over again another night. I'm so tired I could just fall asleep on the couch right now. All I have to do is turn the monitor off and I could get some real sleep but I cant do that. I feel like the worst mother ever right now.
I really wish I hadn't been sick the first 8 months of her life. Things would be so different now. She'd be used to sleeping on her own in the crib, at night and during the day, she most likely wouldnt be so attached to me right now as well. I cant leave her sight without her freaking out and of course I hate hearing her cry, but how else do I break these habits if I dont let her cry? I feel like crying.
I feel cheated! I feel like the universe spit on me and kicked me to the curb and just left me there. Only recently have I been able to pick myself back up and dust off some of the dirt. But when I try walking away, I seem to just walk in circles and nothing gets accomplished. I'm left feeling dizzy and confused. I feel so alone.
I hate when I dont have her with me, how sad is that? I actually miss her when I put her to bedat night. I'm so sed to having her with me that I hate bedtime really.
be well...
