Turning into parents

 Well I'm turning into my parents.  My legs and feet are swelling and I go in tomorrow to be seen. This is not cool...

In other news..... there's no news lol. 

Things are status quo. It's been a little more than a year since my last hospital stay (that's the one where I passed out one night). So hopefully this doesn't put me in the hospital.

James (Grace's new name) is doing virtual school and killing it. Scott got a promotion a little while ago and it came with another raise of course. So yeah, life is going good for us.

So that's us for now. I will try to update more later

Be well all...

Meal planning

 I figured out something I dislike more than cooking! Meal planning! I do it every Friday so we can grocery shop on Saturday but I dispise it! The shopping doesn't bother me, I can shop all day long but meal planning and cooking suck! 

Isaac has me watching the Transformer movies with him. I never liked transformers so I was against it but I am actually enjoying them. The annoying part is he doesn't usually watch a whole movie in one sitting. Like we've been watching Dark Side of Moon for like 3 days now! I'm ready to watch it without him lol.

I want to buy a new couch before Mike comes to visit. Our current couch is leather and has a few rips in it. I'd like to get a fabric one that's bigger than our current one is. I will never get another leather couch again. 

We are saving up for Halloween horror tickets so we can go again this year. They've announced 2 houses so far, Strangers Things and Last of us. I'm kind of excited to go. We also want to get universal season passes. I've been watching a couple on YouTube who does all things universal and has tips, tricks and money saving ideas.

Any good meal ideas out there?

I hate cooking

Confession time. I hate cooking.

Seriously I do not like it. I find it boring and tedious and because I'm such a picky eater food just sucks. I wish I didn't have to cook. I wish I could hire someone to do it for me. I wish my husband didn't work so late so he could cook. He's better at it than I am. I suck. Food I make just doesn't always turn out right, unless it's lasagna, but even that's not perfect.  I try to follow recipes but if somethings in it I don't like then I won't use it which changes the whole dish and it ends up sucking. I wish I could afford to eat out every night.

Scott calls my cooking "set it and forget it". I don't like being alone in the kitchen so I tend to make things I can put on and leave in the oven. I need an open floor plan so I don't feel so alone all the time. The first time we lived in Florida I had that and was able to interact with Scott while I cooked. When we move next year I need to find something similar to that. 

Speaking of moving. I can't wait to move to the Orlando area. Then we can get passes to Disney and go every weekend if we wanted. See my brothers and their kids in the park if we wanted to, instead of at their hotels. Right now it would be a waste of money because it takes a full tank of gas to get there and back. More than that actually. I also want a different layout to my apartment. While this one is big and nice the layout sucks. It would be cool if it came with a washer and dryer as well hehe.

Mike's coming to visit at the end of August for 4 days! I'm so excited to see him, it's gonna be so fun. I don't know what we'll do yet but it's going to be fun. 

Well that's all I've got for now. If you know any good recipes for picky eaters I'd love to hear them. 

Holy hell! Its been a long time!!

 Ok so I've unpublished all the old stuff. Time to start fresh after a few years off. At least that's what I'm thinking for now. 

So good things are happening in my house lately. Isaac, (Grace for those that don't know, is trans and goes by Isaac now), was struggling with school since the pandemic, then moving to Florida brought out his anxieties in an extreme way. He went to a charter school but starting staying home everyday because it was overwhelming to him. He did 7th grade, but then took a year off for mental health. We weren't sure the charter school would take him back, but after some back and forth they've accepted him for 8th grade. So he's a year behind where we were but his mental health is stronger now, and he's going into 8th with a couple friends he's made. 

Scott just got a big raise at work. Which means more money for fun things. Something we haven't been able to do much of since we moved. We'll also be able to pay off our debt faster now. 

As for me, I'm doing good. Without the winter cold of the north I'm not in as much pain all the time. The sun still affects the Lupus but if I'm careful with sunscreen and stay in the shade as much as i can, I do okay. No signs of cancer returning, but the neuralgia is hell lately. I might just purchase stock in Tylenol with how bad the pain in my head has been lately. I take that stuff like candy! It's insane!

And for the cats! We moved with Romeo and sadly we lost him in November of 2022. We adopted Frida and Picasso from the shelter in December 2022, sadly Picasso got sick and died 6 months later. A month after that we went back to the shelter and adopted Matilda (we call her Tilly). The girls took some time to get used to each other but it's been good.

All in all, things are looking up for us. Tell me about you.

Poems of a bipolar teenager part 1

Replaying the past over and over,

Wondering what went wrong.

Friends and family all around me,

Trying to make me strong.

Trying to sleep at night,

Tossing and turning,

Wondering if I'll be alright.

Wanting to fight for a cause,

Watching the world around me move on,

Only my life has hit a complete pause.

Trying real hard to hold on,

All my hate has surfaced,

My life basically gone,

Where do I go from here?

Not wanting anyone to know,

I try real hard to hide it well,

Until now no one knew,

How my has turned to hell.

That day changed my life,

More than you could ever know.

---------------------------------------

I know I don't

Really show it

But I hope you 

Always know it

With all my heart

I love you

With a love that

Is so true

You taught me

Things I never knew

Lessons on life and

Always be true

I just want 

You to know

I never want to

Let you go

-----------------------------------------

Losing you would make me go mad

How my life would be so sad

Crying at night

Losing all sight

Of the memories we had

Wanting to remember

Trying to remember

Not wanting to cry anymore

As I watched you walk out that door

Life was never this crazy

When you left things became hazy

I want to die

But all I do is cry

Why did you leave me?

------------------------------------------

Alone I sit and think of you

Wondering why you were not true

Sitting alone

Watching the sky

Wondering why you did not call

I try to speak

But cannot think

As I watched you go by

I wanted to lie down and die

Waiting for you

To come back to me

Why did we not try?

The only thing I do now is cry

-----------------------------------------------------

I see you hold her hand

All I do is cry

I gave you all my love

But you wouldn't even try

When I see you kiss her

I imagine you kissing me

Why didn't it work out?

I think of you constantly

Is there some reason

I can not be with you

I cannot let you leave me here

Wont you love me too?

------------------------------------------------------------

You said you'd always love me

You told me you'd always care

You swore that you'd be faithful

You promised to always be there

You swore to never leave me

You vowed to never lie

You promised to never hurt me

But all I do is cry

I'm so very sorry

What I did was wrong

I shouldn't have betrayed you

Our love was way too strong

And every single night

Before I go to sleep

I lie awake and wonder

Do you still love me?

Why do I feel so lonely?

This is shattering my heart

Why couldn't we work this out?

Why did we split apart?

And every time I close my eyes

All I see is you

Our love will never die

Because its still true

I feel so empty without you

No words can ever express how I feel

And deep in my heart I know that

My love for you is real

Our love will never die

No matter what you do

I want you to know that

I still love you

------------------------------------

The love I knew

Is not like that love I feel

For once in my life

It seems to be a fair deal

Watching you

Memorizing your face

No longer watching

The world from behind black lace

Trying to know if this is real

Wondering if its still so true

You hold me close

And whisper I love you

And every time we kiss goodbye

I don't want this feeling to end

And over you shoulder a kiss you send

You tell me you'll call

You and me together

Waiting til the next day

And you'll hold me close forever

------------------------------------------------------

Watching the world go by

Wanting to know just why

My life has to be so bad

Why do I have to be so sad?

Friends around me

Try to cheer me

Forcing a smile upon my face

Depression hits and I sink so low

The bleeding starts fast, my heart beating slow

My life slowly slipping away

Still holding on for another day

Acting cheerful and happy all day

Wondering if theres another way

Another way of living 

Another way giving

Where can I go?

No one evens knows 

What is really wrong

Why must I act so strong?

My life is almost gone

My life almost done

I'm sitting here so sick inside

My real fries have cast me aside

Can I move on?

Where have I gone?

Where can I go?

I'm stuck here with nowhere to go

Nowhere to turn and nothing to do

Trying here and losing you too

Trying so hard to hold on

Love is mostly gone

-------------------------

The love he shows

Can't be for me

The one he loves 

Really can't be me

But he tells me

He loves me

But how can I know?

If its really me he loves?

He holds me close

Whispers good night

On my cheek

A kiss so sweet

---------------------------------------

Only you

My real friend

Can help me out

But you seem to hate me

Why do you hate me?

What did I do wrong?

I can think of nothing

To end this friendship

You won't even 

Talk to me

To tell me what

I did so wrong

I'm sitting here

Waiting for you to call

The phone never rings

Now midnights here

I want to call you

But you just hang up

Maybe we can talk this out

Instead of ending it now

-------------------------------------

I wanted to

Stay forever

In this

Our love affair.

But something happened

And I'm

Trying to

Hold on.

Holding on 

To something not there

Causes nothing

But heartache and pain.

He told me 

He loved me

And when he said it

He held me close.

I guess

He lied

Like all

The others.

Never knowing

If a guy is true

Kills you.

Not everyone

Is the same

Someday, someone

Won't hurt you.

The way

They say it

Should be so clear

But it's not.

It hurts

If the guy is not true

But you will

See him always

And it will hurt.

And everytime 

You do see him

Hold you head

Up high.

And when 

He see's

How strong

You are

He'll come back.

But if he doesn't

It just means

Some one better

Is waiting.

-----------------------------

It's hard to have faith

When you've been hurt so much.

But that faith remains

It's always there

When you have faith

Something better comes along

It may seem false, but it's true

When you lose someone

Someone new comes along

they teach you new things

In all that they do

Whether they hurt or help

There's a lesson there, just look

Keep your faith strong

He will guide you and help you

He will keep you safe from harm.

---------------------------------------------

Some people make you feel worthless

But they don't decide who you are

He'll take the pain away

He decides your worth.

And when you feel lonely

Just call on him for help

Turn to him and tell him

He'll take the pain and help you grow

So when you feel down, just remember

Just say I am a child of God

And that makes me great

----------------------------------------------------

Dying seems to be the only way

For most teens at least

But when they see life isn't that bad

It's too late to get help

They think things would be better if they were gone

But it'll only hurt the world more

To see a friend or loved one dead

And realize you never helped

That's the pain that can never be cured.

So if you see a friend in need

Try and get them the help they need

It could be you that saves the day.

-------------------------------------------------

Depressions the worst

For any teen at least

It could be stopped

But it takes control.

We destroy each other every day

We could all be friends 

Instead of small cliques

Soon you will see.,

We are all the same

-----------------------------------------------------

Something told me to let go

Something told me not to hold on

Something told me you were not true

Now I know love is gone

You said it, yes you did

But something just wasn't there

I could feel it in the way you kissed me

I thought I never hate you

But it turns out I do

I'll try to forget you

And move on from here

I'll find a new love

And you'll be a forgotten memory

---------------------------------------------------

When your not loved

You feel so used

Like you've been forgotten

Or your hearts been abused

Hearts forgotten

Never found

Buried deep

Inside the ground

Dig it up

Wipe it clean

And remember that

Not everyones so mean

Hearts forgotten

Always abused

Duried deep

After years of unuse

---------------------------------

Life didn't seem worthwhile

I wanted to die but yet I always smiled

I no longer tried to hide

Empty promises people always lying

Relationships begin with kisses but always end in crying

--------------------------------------------------------

I though you were different from everyone else

But you weren't

I trusted you like no one else

And now I've been hurt

I just wanted you to hold me

But that would never be true

That could never be

Now lifes always blue

You chose my friend

I was so hurt inside

Our conversations came to an end

And my heart has pratically died

I tried to call you 

Oh I would've loved to hear your voice

But no calls came from you

A faded memory is your voice

Crying into the lonely night

Fighting for control

Wishing I had you in my sight

But love has taken its toll

Seeing you was different

So different from the picture I had

Now my heart is broken and bent

And yet you never felt bad

-----------------------------------------------------

All the memories I have of you

Makes me wonder why we split apart

Thinking of the happy times we had together

Makes me yearn for more

Missing your soft embrace

And the carefree way you held me

I always dial your phone number

But hang up before it connects

Why am I so scared to call you

Why wont you call me first

I guess you'll always have a piece of my heart

---------------------------------------------------------------

I sit here crying

As I realize you don't love me

I sit here in tears

As I notice you don't want me

All I ever was, was your little princess

Until I got older

Then the talks became less friendly

Your heart became a little colder

Now its just before I turn 16

And all you do is yell at me

It seems nothing I do is right

Please tell me why you hate me

I had no idea I was unwanted

I didn't know you didn't need me

Until today that is

When I sit here with just my tears

And a broken heart just the same

Why cant someone calm my fears

Why dont you ever say you love me

Why don't you ever tell me you care

Why don't you ever hug me close

And keep me so very near

-----------------------------------------------------

How can I lose so much

And somehow not feel

I don't feel happy or sad

But the tears still fall

But I don't know why

I've seen people die

And others live

But the tears still fall

I don't feel like crying

I don't feel like Laughing

I only want to be alone

------------------------------------------------------

I sit here and wait for nothing

The tears fall silently

I cry and cry

But no sound is made

My heart breaks in two

My birthday always passes

And no one seems to notice

That with every passing year 

I grow sadder than before

No one says that they love me

No one says that they care

The tears fall endlessly

As I notice I'm unwanted

--------------------------------------------------------

The tears form in my eyes

As I listen to your angry cries

The abuse yiu give me everyday

Hurts me in such a way

I listen to you yell and scream

How could you be so mean

The abuse I bore was more than words

As you hit me and called me a whore

I could not escape your horrid ways

And when I tried you hit me those days

The pain got worse  and you hit me more

But you only did it behind closed doors

In front of people you were so nice

You hid behind a great disguise

You hit me where it doesn't show

And why I kept quiet, I'll never know

I couldn't bear the pain anymore

So I bought a gun and theres no more

------------------------------------------------------------

My heart breaks every day

As I go on and still pretend

No one knows what is wrong

No one knows my pain

No one sees the tears

Behind my plastic smile

No one knows just what I feel

No one sees my fears

All they see is smiles

They don't see the scars

They don't see the pain

My heart breaks every day

And all I can do is smile

-------------------------------------------------------

You imagine what she looks like

Even though you never met

But still every night you cry

As you hold the teddy bear close

The one that used to lay in her crib

The crib she didn't get to see

You packed away all her things

The clothes she never wore

The toys she never used

The tears roll down your face

Because you can not cope

With losing your unborn baby

-----------------------------------------------

Mommy I don't know what I did

I didn't know that id been bad

Mommy I need to know

Who are you punishing, are you really mad?

I see you crying mommy

But when I hug you you don't feel

And when I say I Love you mommy

Its almost like you didny hear

Mommy I know that you cant see me

But I really am okay

Mommy please don't cry for me

I know this was the best way

I know you really wanted me

Mommy I understand youre took young

But tell me who my daddy is

Tell him what you have done

Mommy I know that you cant see me

Or hear me even if I tried

I know that your too young

Mommy please don't cry

I just want to know mommy

Why you had killed me that way

Abortion is too easy

They should make it go away

Adoption would've been better

Your tears would not be spent

Mommy Id still be alive

If only you thought of that instead

No one knows just what you've done

Except for you and me

Mommy please don't forget me

Promise me youll be true

Mommy I know what youre feeling

Cause I also feel your pain

Mommy please stop crying

Please just stop the rain

-----------------------------------------------------

I want to be alone

But people are everywhere

I try to get away

But everyone has me boxed in

I scream, I cry

But no one hears

And it angers me even more

I hit, I kick

But only in my mind

No one hears

Or even listens

Do they just not care

-------------------------------------------------------------

I sit and wonder why

All the pain I feel

Is it pain that I've caused

Or was something done to me

I sit and think of love

The love I never found

I sit and I dream

Of places I could go, 

Places left unseen

But I'm stuck here in hell

A hell of my own making

Demons plague me

And I get no peace

----------------------------------------------

The rivers of tears

The oceans of blood

The frightened screams

When the shots rang out

The deafening noise

When the shots rang loud

The screaming sirens

All around us now

His body's on the ground

Laying in a pool of blood

Where are the medics

Its taking so long

The cops did nothing

They watched it go down

--------------------------------------------------

No one sees the hurt behind my fake smile

No one sees the tears all the while

I lay and cry myself to sleep at night

All while trying to win this fight

I try to be what they all see

I try to stay true to me

I try so hard to hide my cries

My lifes nothing nut lies

----------------------------------------------------

I feel empty inside

Like everyones gone

Like no one cares

Like loves all gone

I know its strange

Saying these things

But I feel caged in

No one seems to know me

Whats the big deal

Forever alone, I feel so empty

---------------------------------------------------------

A girl sits all alone

Wondering whats going on

A girl sits all alone

Wondering if theres a gun

A girl sits all alone

Thinking of her fears

A girls sits all alone

Andsees no one near

A girl sits all alone

In a casket in the ground

A girl sits all slone

And no one sees her gone

--------------------------------------------------------------

Not sure why I'm even writing, no one reads these anymore. Only person who did has died so that's why the big absence.

I'm feeling a little sad tonight. And it's because my heart is broken for my brother Gregg, and his wife Michele, and their 2 little girls. Michele's mother just passed away after a short battle with cancer. I cant even begin to imagine Michele's heart break. I cant even think about what it must be like because losing my mom would kill me. I just wouldn't be able to go on without her.

In the dark quiet night

When no one shines a light

That's when I feel you near

Your voice I can almost hear.

Your spirit surrounds me

Of the pain you are free

How much my heart breaks

Not sure how much I can take

For you I'll be strong

I'll learn to carry on

Just never leave my side

As I finish out my ride

Wow that's the 1st poem I've written in almost 20 years. Oh God I'm old. I cant find all the poems I wrote as a teen and that upsets me, I had some good stuff. Hopefully it's just in storage, I hope I didnt accidentally throw them out. That would be awful.

Be well 

I'm sad today. I don't think it's a full depression but I'm definitely down in the dumps, wanna cry sad. And to top it off, I'm losing my faith. I keep praying for a change in my life, everytime Scott interviews for a new job to improve our situation I pray that good things will come. This latest rejection has left me feeling empty and alone. I feel like I'm praying to no one because my situation is so horrible. If God truly loves his children wouldn't he want better? There must be no God. To let anyone with faith as strong as mine has been to continue to pray for help and to send none? I've been through so much and suffered through so much, I never blamed God, I never asked for a miracle, I got my miracle, and I'm grateful but I'm so over this suffering thing and I just don't think I can do it anymore of it. It's just not fair.  I feel forgotten and neglected, like a grape left on the vine too long. I feel battered and bruised, as if I'm a punching bag.

I just can't anymore, I give up.... I quit...

Grace turned 9 recently and we are debating getting her a cell phone. Why? Because a lot of kids in this town have cell phones. I was really hoping to wait until middle school at least but I can't take her stealing my phone all day. And its my phone she keeps stealing and putting stupid crap games on. My phone is always full of crap. Although I will miss the selfies she takes hehe. 

Its been 9 years (to the day) since my brain surgery, and I can honestly say that for every year that passes I feel a little better. I know the cancer isn't coming back but this day, for some reason, is a day of unease.  Its not like the cancer is going to return, I'm too far out for that, but this date was tainted and brings back a lot of dreaded memories. 

I've been feeling kind of yucky lately, like really exhausted, don't want to eat, and feeling weak and nauseous. I hate feeling like this.  It takes time away from my family, but I did it to myself this time. I spent 4 days on the go, with lots going on so that I spent the second half of the week laying on my couch sleeping a lot. I have to remember to space my activities out better. But it's a new week, so here's hoping I start feeling better soon. 

Scott had a phone interview on Thursday, but I feel none of the usual feelings I usually do. Usually I get excited at the prospect of a possibility and with this one I just feel meh about it. Not sure why, maybe because I got my hopes up with the last interview and then they chose someone else. And that was a real interview he went on.  So I guess pray for good to come to my family, we need it. 

We are stretched thin here, we owe money to lots of people and there is no end in sight. I keep praying that good things will happen, and that He'll help guide us so that we can find the good, but the longer he stays in this job the more we owe money and we just keep digging deeper. This job is depressing, he hates going there and the financial aspect of life is leaving me so stressed that its not good for me. Stress can start a flare up and my stress level is getting high. I hate owing people money, not being able to do more for my daughter, and not being able to take care of myself the right way.  I want to be able to pamper myself, get my nails done, get a good hair cut and styled, but more importantly I want to be able to give my daughter a proper vacation. A real vacation to Disney maybe. I try to save money but then things happen, like car breaks down or something and there goes the savings. So for now, I'll keep dreaming of a real vacation.

Be well...

Damn, sleeping on the wrong kind of mattress is bad for me. We've spent the past 2 weeks house sitting and the mattress here is too hard for me I guess. I've gotten progressively worse as the weeks have gone on and I spent 3 days not being able to move without crying. I spent the night on the couch and am feeling much better today. Still hurt but at least I can move around.

We go home today, it'll be nice to get home to my cats and my own bed. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss my house, as tiny and cramped as it is. I should be spending this time packing up, and doing the last minute cleaning so they can come home to a fresh clean home, but I'm feeling lazy and just wanna relax. After being in so much pain for so long, it feels nice to no longer be in extreme pain.

Grace turns 9 soon, we've had a family party for her and we had her friends party, so now we just wait for the big day. Can you believe my baby is 9?

Medically things are status quo for now, nothing to report really. I have my cancer scans in September and I see the hip Dr in October. When I saw the orthopedist a few months ago he did an xray and found slightly more damage on my hip. I'm now supposed to use a cane for long distance walking, like grocery store, malls and what not, and a scooter for extreme amounts like theme parks. I'm also supposed to use them when I'm in a lot of pain.

Well there's not much else to say right now, so I'll leave you here.

Be well all...

 I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain but I'll be fine.

No truer words spoken,  and leave it to Rod Stewart to have a song that sums up my life these past 8 years so perfectly.  I haven't listened to it in a long time,  maybe because it became a bad juju song for me and I didn't realize it.  But I have been through hell and back again,  many times with this disease as we try to find the right meds and dosages to take to keep the evil monster at bay,  but I always seem to hit a set back with snow storms.  And all these nor easters have left me messed up again, but ill come out the other side and be ok,  I can already feel it starting to change for me,  I'd like to think the worst is over but who knows. Right now I look like a diseased hooker with all the sores but they seem to be healing quickly. 

I bet you're all wondering about G, cause I mean she is my little miracle after all.  She has morphea, which is a type of scleroderma. So much for hoping to keep her away from the RA family So far it's only on her neck and a tiny spot of her hair line.  We've been through months of steroid creams and antibiotics.  She sees her dermatologist next week for a follow-up. 

All the bad shit was supposed to happen to me,  not my baby.  But she's happy,  incredibly smart, caring,  thoughtful, beautiful and is a typical 8 year old who's turning 16 lol. God save me lol

Be well all