Who's got the cutest girl? Oh that's right, I do! She's a completely different person when it's just me and her and I'm enjoying my alone time with her while Scott's at work. I'm also enjoying my alone time while they are both gone so I can get my house clean and back to the proper standards that it should be at. I didn't realize just how hard it was to clean when another person was around. On Wednesday I cleaned my entire upstairs and I loved it. Like legit loved scrubbing the bathroom and everything. Yeah I must be ill lol. 

The insomnia is still pretty bad. I hate waking up at 3, 4 or 5 in the am for no reason. It definitely sucks laying in bed and staring at the wall. I can only count so many sheep before I start imagine them crashing into the fence lol. Have any suggestions on how to beat insomnia? It's not from medicine so there's got to be another reason for it. 

I've lost so much weight I look like a bag lady in my clothes now lol. I ordered a couple long sleeved tshirts that will hopefully fit. Should be here soon I hope. 

I'm nervous about the idea of having another baby. What if I'm damage and can't get pregnant? Or have only miscarriages? Or have babies with lots of medical problems? Or what if I get sick again? Ugh…. Gotta have faith everything will work out the way it should I guess. I'm trying but right now it's kind of hard. Well as Scott said last night, just got to take it day by day and step by step. 

Be well

When I saw my endocrinologist a short while ago she did blood work, and told me I was premenopausal and that if I wanted to have a baby I needed to do it sooner rather than later. So we made an appointment at the center for infertility and reproductive surgery. 

Yesterday we had that appointment. Once again we were told sooner is better, but she wants to run more tests before we go any further and before any decisions are made. So now we wait. I keep hearing the music from jeapordary playing in my head. I'm really bad at waiting. Ask anyone. 

Be well

You spend a lifetime saying 

This is who I am
ohh
Then you find yourself saying something
You don't understand
You look in the mirror, 
and there you are..

You're daddy's girl

Daddy's girl by Katy Sagal

Missing my dad tonight…

I always insisted I was nothing like him but I am like him and I'm trying to change the bad points of me

And I am a daddy's girl

Miss you daddy

For those of you who still read this you're about to get a special glimpse into my life. But I'm so happy about it I could burst. Before I met Scott I was a size 18/20, I don't remember my weight, then of course you get comfortable in a relationship and I went up to a size 28, and weighed in at a whopping 280 pounds. At the time I didn't care, Scott loves me any which way I am so why would I?  Well along comes cancer and chemo knocks me down to 255 pounds, a size 20/22, great numbers for me! But after chemo I ballooned back up. To a whopping 320 pound, a size 28/30. Holy damn was I huge. My doctors were concerned. I was depressed. Fast forward to my dad dies and I realize I don't want to be like him. I love him but I don't want to be him. So I've set mini goals as I've gone and I've watched and loved as my clothing size has dropped from anywhere from a 16-20 now, but my weight still hovers above my chemo weight. My chemo weight is my first big goal, my first go buy yourself something nice goal (well when I can lol). 

Today I have passed my chemo weight! And now my next mini goal is 240, but my next big goal is 220, so stay tuned cause I will be there before you know it!!

Can't sleep again…. 

Scott's start date was delayed because his background check was taking longer than they thought, but he got the email tonight that the background check was clear and he's clear to start work, so now we wait to hear his new start date. 

Halloween is coming and Grace is so excited. Carving pumpkins tomorrow and making an apple pie. Grace can't wait to carve her little pumpkins up. Grace is gonna be Frankie Stein from monster high, what's your little one dressing up as  this year?

I had a dream that I want to press charges against the guy who raped me and on the day everyone was suppose to show in court to be my character witness they all decided not to testify and I remember walking to walmart crying because my siblings all basically called me a slut, said I wanted it and that it wasn't rape. Then while at Walmart someone robbed me. It was an awful dream. I woke up in silent tears and my pillow was wet. I hope that's not how my family really thinks of me

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit 

Made sure I stayed up past 9/10 o'clock last night so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night night instead Grace woke me up. Looking back that's what wakes me up most night. *sigh* I want to cry…. Yesterday I was up from 3am onward, looks like today is too. Damn. I'm just so tired. But I just can't get back to sleep. Off to keep trying 

Grace had her first field trip yesterday and she loved it! We went to Parlee farms and she had a blast. We had a hay ride, and picked apples and pumpkins. We ate lunch then fed goats and sheep then she and her "best friends" Sophia and Karenna ran around the hay maze for a long time. 

Did I mention she got a kick out of riding on the bus? I can't believe how big my girl is getting. She'll be going off to kindergarten next year.  

Ok so we got 18$ this week from unemployment which means that we are in for the roughest month of our lives. But we shall get through it, we always somehow make it through everything God ever sends our way. I guess that makes us really strong people. But seriously, readers, expect some tears and whatnot because it's bound to be a bumpy month. 

Definitely not having a good day. Feeling like crying…

YPrayers have been answered!! Scott gott the job at microsoft! Oh God is this what breathing is? I guess I've been holding my breath because when he got the job I gave a great big breath of relief and I felt a difference in my body! The next month is still going to be hard money-wise but once he starts getting paid it'll get better. Oh God thank you! Just as unemployment ran out the job came through but now our biggest hardship - the upcoming month. But like everything else we shall make it through 

I had more cake this weekend than I could ever dream of! Billy got me a Boston cream pie (one of my fav's!), mom got me one from La Cascia's, and Jill got me one! I feel like I'm rolling seeing as how on three different days I've had a slice of cake. Thankfully I haven't gained any weight. 

Siting in the doctors office waiting to have more blood tests done. Not sure when I get the results. I'm gonna make sure to ask because I'm really curious and I want to know what comes next. 

Someone finally listened to me when I said something is wrong because I have NO sex drive and that's not me at all. So they sent me off to endocrinology and they found out my body is producing no hormones anymore. So they are running more tests and then gonna start meds. At least that's what she said originally. We shall she what the new results make her say. 

What yesterday was revealed to me (about why that test was needed). In short Radiation Broke pituitary which broke the thyroid which maybe broke the adrenal gland. So I definitely am going on meds for the broken thyroid. 

I also have to go on meds because my body produces no estrogen. Yesterday's test was to see if the adrenal glands are functioning right. 

So in short that was my day yesterday. Oh and I get to add just one more doctor to my list. An endocrine reproduction specialist. Gotta see him before I can start the estrogen. Yea this is fun, someone wanna trade places?