I'm sad today. I don't think it's a full depression but I'm definitely down in the dumps, wanna cry sad. And to top it off, I'm losing my faith. I keep praying for a change in my life, everytime Scott interviews for a new job to improve our situation I pray that good things will come. This latest rejection has left me feeling empty and alone. I feel like I'm praying to no one because my situation is so horrible. If God truly loves his children wouldn't he want better? There must be no God. To let anyone with faith as strong as mine has been to continue to pray for help and to send none? I've been through so much and suffered through so much, I never blamed God, I never asked for a miracle, I got my miracle, and I'm grateful but I'm so over this suffering thing and I just don't think I can do it anymore of it. It's just not fair.  I feel forgotten and neglected, like a grape left on the vine too long. I feel battered and bruised, as if I'm a punching bag.

I just can't anymore, I give up.... I quit...

Grace turned 9 recently and we are debating getting her a cell phone. Why? Because a lot of kids in this town have cell phones. I was really hoping to wait until middle school at least but I can't take her stealing my phone all day. And its my phone she keeps stealing and putting stupid crap games on. My phone is always full of crap. Although I will miss the selfies she takes hehe. 

Its been 9 years (to the day) since my brain surgery, and I can honestly say that for every year that passes I feel a little better. I know the cancer isn't coming back but this day, for some reason, is a day of unease.  Its not like the cancer is going to return, I'm too far out for that, but this date was tainted and brings back a lot of dreaded memories. 

I've been feeling kind of yucky lately, like really exhausted, don't want to eat, and feeling weak and nauseous. I hate feeling like this.  It takes time away from my family, but I did it to myself this time. I spent 4 days on the go, with lots going on so that I spent the second half of the week laying on my couch sleeping a lot. I have to remember to space my activities out better. But it's a new week, so here's hoping I start feeling better soon. 

Scott had a phone interview on Thursday, but I feel none of the usual feelings I usually do. Usually I get excited at the prospect of a possibility and with this one I just feel meh about it. Not sure why, maybe because I got my hopes up with the last interview and then they chose someone else. And that was a real interview he went on.  So I guess pray for good to come to my family, we need it. 

We are stretched thin here, we owe money to lots of people and there is no end in sight. I keep praying that good things will happen, and that He'll help guide us so that we can find the good, but the longer he stays in this job the more we owe money and we just keep digging deeper. This job is depressing, he hates going there and the financial aspect of life is leaving me so stressed that its not good for me. Stress can start a flare up and my stress level is getting high. I hate owing people money, not being able to do more for my daughter, and not being able to take care of myself the right way.  I want to be able to pamper myself, get my nails done, get a good hair cut and styled, but more importantly I want to be able to give my daughter a proper vacation. A real vacation to Disney maybe. I try to save money but then things happen, like car breaks down or something and there goes the savings. So for now, I'll keep dreaming of a real vacation.

Be well...

Damn, sleeping on the wrong kind of mattress is bad for me. We've spent the past 2 weeks house sitting and the mattress here is too hard for me I guess. I've gotten progressively worse as the weeks have gone on and I spent 3 days not being able to move without crying. I spent the night on the couch and am feeling much better today. Still hurt but at least I can move around.

We go home today, it'll be nice to get home to my cats and my own bed. Never thought I'd say this, but I miss my house, as tiny and cramped as it is. I should be spending this time packing up, and doing the last minute cleaning so they can come home to a fresh clean home, but I'm feeling lazy and just wanna relax. After being in so much pain for so long, it feels nice to no longer be in extreme pain.

Grace turns 9 soon, we've had a family party for her and we had her friends party, so now we just wait for the big day. Can you believe my baby is 9?

Medically things are status quo for now, nothing to report really. I have my cancer scans in September and I see the hip Dr in October. When I saw the orthopedist a few months ago he did an xray and found slightly more damage on my hip. I'm now supposed to use a cane for long distance walking, like grocery store, malls and what not, and a scooter for extreme amounts like theme parks. I'm also supposed to use them when I'm in a lot of pain.

Well there's not much else to say right now, so I'll leave you here.

Be well all...

 I've been through the fire and I've been through the rain but I'll be fine.

No truer words spoken,  and leave it to Rod Stewart to have a song that sums up my life these past 8 years so perfectly.  I haven't listened to it in a long time,  maybe because it became a bad juju song for me and I didn't realize it.  But I have been through hell and back again,  many times with this disease as we try to find the right meds and dosages to take to keep the evil monster at bay,  but I always seem to hit a set back with snow storms.  And all these nor easters have left me messed up again, but ill come out the other side and be ok,  I can already feel it starting to change for me,  I'd like to think the worst is over but who knows. Right now I look like a diseased hooker with all the sores but they seem to be healing quickly. 

I bet you're all wondering about G, cause I mean she is my little miracle after all.  She has morphea, which is a type of scleroderma. So much for hoping to keep her away from the RA family So far it's only on her neck and a tiny spot of her hair line.  We've been through months of steroid creams and antibiotics.  She sees her dermatologist next week for a follow-up. 

All the bad shit was supposed to happen to me,  not my baby.  But she's happy,  incredibly smart, caring,  thoughtful, beautiful and is a typical 8 year old who's turning 16 lol. God save me lol

Be well all

Five years...

I miss all the little things, I never thought they'd mean so much to me.

The fudge he'd make, that was almost just too sweet, but that I could never tell him because he loved it so much.

The non stop singing that he'd do

The way he would come home from the grocery store and be so pleased with himself because he had bought me orange cheese and ibc root beer, my two favorite items.

His never missing plaid shirt.

His winter knit hat that ALWAYS left his hair a mess and made him look like the worlds biggest dork.

I find it's the small things that get me. Most of all, I miss how good he was with my Gracie.

I can't believe 5 years has already gone by, some days it seems so recent. This year my mom says it's harder on her, I wonder if my brothers feel it too, cause I was feeling the same way.

In a way, I'm glad he's not here to see my brothers being jackasses. 2 years of this shit with them and there's no signs of hope on the horizon. I can't even get them in the same damn room. I just want them to forgive each other, both sides said and did things, time to forgive and move on. New Year, new slate, time to start fresh.  I hope mom doesnt die before they mend things.

Medically things are stable for now, so there's that I guess. The cold is messing with me bad but im muddling through okay. Just a couple more months and it should be spring time.

Grace takes the bus home so I rarely get out. And don't poke fun when I say I miss the playground shenanigans. Can't wait for better weather so we can do park dates again.

Be well all