This Woman's Work...

I'm in love. There. I said it. I'm in love and its incredible, and unbelievable and so amazing.  And as much as she drive's me nuts with her constant climbing, and her desire to touch the buttons on everything, I'm so in love with her, and I find it incredible that she came from me. She's a part of me and Scott and the love we have for each other.  She's a wonderful and amazing person.  And, she's mine. At least for 17 more years, whether she likes it or not, and if she's anything like me, by the time she's "free" she'll love her mother so much more, and with such an appreciation.  And, truly, my mother is my best friend. The one I can tell anything to, the one who hears everything about me, knows everything about me, and despite all my many flaws, loves me still.

I look back at the past 17 months, hell, the past 2 years, from the day I learned I was pregnant and carried, yes carried, the test stick around with me all day cause I was beyond excited and couldn't wait to share the news with everyone. And I really couldn't, I always thought there'd be another pregnancy to do it all differently for, to "hide" the truth of it, and wait to see how long it took for someone to figure it out on their own, but knowing what I do now, I still wouldn't change a damn thing.  I would still burst at the news that I was pregnant, and who's to say that given the chance, I would do it differently?

And tonight, as I put my little girl to bed, I realized, this is it. This is what heaven must be like.  I was so at peace, and so ready for anything, and quite frankly, with my girl by my side, I know I can do anything.  I'm so in love.

"He'd look just like me when I was young

And I wonder as the days unwind
Will he have your eyes or mine
Then i wake up to my
Apron strings
Cold and lonely
For time brings
Thoughts that only
Will be quiet when someone clings to my
Apron strings
And i'll be perfect in my own way
When you cry i'll be there
I'll sing to you and comb your hair
All your troubles i will share" Apron Strings

I still have hopes that someday, somehow I'll have a little boy, who'll look just like his sister (much the way I look so much like my brother Gregg).  But I think he'll remain a dream.  But who really knows what medical marvels can do?
 
"I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left
I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet
I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left" This Woman's Work

Be well....

Christmas

Its Christmas night, and my little one is sound asleep, all snuggled up in new pajamas in her crib sleepily peacefully.  Its been a long 24 hours celebrating on 5 different occasions and opening all those gifts and my girl handled it with flying colors! She was so excited to open gifts and was ripping the wrapping paper off like a pro! She's an amazing little person.

The day started off nicely, with Grace waking up late, enjoying her shower with mommy, and then heading downstairs for milk, waffles and presents.  My parents joined us, and my mom (who woke up at 7am [even though I told her we wouldnt be doing presents til at least 9]) was so excited and couldn't keep herself in bed this morning.  We opened gifts here, and I must say I have the most amazing husband ever!!! Not only did I get a new computer monitor and hard drive, but I also got TWO new Harry Potter lego sets!!! Yes I am a big geek.  Now I feel like such a schmo for only getting him a GPS, and a shirt!! After we did presents at home, we went to Nana and Grandpa's house for MORE presents, and breakfast.  We were joined by my sister Breyanna, and brother Gregg, and my brother John, his wife Colleen and his 3 kids Cam, Ryan and Sophie.  It was a busy morning.  We had lunch at Diane and Dan's house, with all the Cameron family assembled, and it was great that Grace got to meet all of them finally, and I hope they continue to stay in her life, she's lucky to have so many people who love her so much.  We enjoyed more fabulous food for dinner at Gary and Estelles house, with some of the Burdick crew.  Grace got more gifts than one little girl deserves but she loves it all so much!

Did I mention we also opened gifts last night from my brother Glenn and his wife Katherine and my brother Gregg and his fiancee Michele? Its been a busy day, and as I look at the big pile of toys and all the beautiful clothes she got, I must say, we are so blessed and lucky! I feel so spoiled and fortunate. 

I can't believe a year ago I depended so much on the kindness of strangers to help me have gifts for my baby and this year, its unbelievable how much we were able to do.  I feel so lucky to be fortunate enough this year to have had gifts for her to open, and boy did she open them! With "oohs" and "aahs" and squeels of delight! I swear she sounded like a 5 year old, not a 17 month old!!

I hope everyone is as lucky and happy as I am tonight.

Good night everyone, and Merry Christmas.

Be well...

Broken heart

Today as I was sitting at the computer, with my little one playing peacefully next to me, it finally felt real.  Maggie is gone, all the hoping, praying and wishing in the world won't change that.  She's gone and I won't ever see her again.  She won't be able to meet me at the Dana anymore for little visits, there is no one to listen to me grumble about the long waits at the Dana, and there isn't someone calling me to tell me just how awful doctors are with time management and how she wishes they would call her to tell her THEY are running late like they make us do.  And whats more awful, I can't even locate her mother anywhere to tell her just how sorry I am, and how much I will miss her daughter.  I feel like I lost my best friend.  How do you mend a broken heart? Someone out there must have the answer. Maybe the party tonight will help.

I learned some terrible news recently.  My dear friend Maggie lost her battle against cancer on the 16th, and I am truly devastated.  I knew Maggie only a short time compared to her other friends, but I still loved her with all my heart and thought her to be a beautiful person.  I last saw her in August, when we met at the dana farber for a brief visit and so she could give me Grace's birthday present. 

She was telling me that she just couldn't fight anymore, but I didn't want to listen.  I kept telling her she had to fight, cause she had to get better.  I was only thinking of myself at the time, I wasn't thinking of her feelings and I am truly sorry.  It is for that reason, I think, that she chose not to tell me she was dying, although in my heart I knew it when she told me more tumors had grown.  I knew she was going to die, but I didn't want to give up hope, because if I stopped hoping for her, would I stop hoping for me too? Would I lose hope that I'd stay cancer free? Would I spiral into a depression and just give up my fight? 

I'm truly trying to not break down and cry everytime I see her name in my phone book, but I just can't delete her yet, cause then I know its really true, and I'm not sure I can do that.  Besides, everytime I see her name, a small smile springs to my face when I think about how awesome she was.  And she was awesome, and amazing, and fantasticly great.  She was so young and she definitely didn't deserve this. No mother should have to bury her child, especially her only child. 

I used to write poems all the time, and I've had the starts of one playing around in my head, but everytime I try to write it down, it just doesn't seem right.  Guess I have to work on it for awhile.

My heart is truly broken right now, and I can't seem to find all the pieces to even try to glue it all back together again. 

So with that I will say, parents, hug your children a little tighter tonight when you put them to bed, put aside the housework to play for while, and if she taught me nothing else, at least Maggie taught me this, laugh often.

Be well all.