Wow its been a long time, and I'm sure no one even reads this anymore. Just needed to say, that I am so tired of feeling like this, and I really can't wait until I feel like myself again. I'm so tired all the time, and weak, and I just don't feel like me anymore. I'm just very very blah....

I just can't catch a break. I try and I try and I try and yet again something happens. I just keep having health problems... First cancer, and then all the chemo after effects, then occipital neuralgia, then my teeth fall out, my hair thins, my nails start falling off. Then add in thyroid problems and infertility. Then four months ago I'm diagnosed with lupus, and now my right eye is having problems again.... I've been prescribed more meds in the past year then I've ever taken in my whole life. I cant stand this anymore. I'm not sure what I did wrong in life, but it sure as shit feels like I'm being punished for it now...

I'm drowning, and I can't breath anymore, and no matter how hard I try I just keep sinking. And I'm working without all the information and it makes it that much harder because I'm not even sure of anything anymore. Gah! This is too much for me, I don't want to be a grown up anymore, I quit, someone else do it for me, please? Because I'm tired of drowning all the time...

my oncologist is leaving me, after almost 5 years together and now I've gotta see a new one, so not cool. I'm so done with doctors, but I've got so much going on medically that I can't just walk away either. Another crappy situation....

I am so miserable right now. I hurt with every breath, and its making doing anything impossible. Then add in the fact that I need to stay out of the sun and rest as much as possible and it's making Grace sad too. I have felt like a horrible wife and mother because all I can really do is the bare minimum and I hate it. I'm so tired of hurting and not being able to do anything.... I'm just feeling sorry for myself
I wish this flare up would end, people look at me like I'm a freak when I go out in public.... Ugh... I'm so over this being sick thing

great just what I needed now. Spent two separate occasions in the ER for awful pain while breathing. They said I've got pericarditis and it could take up to 6 weeks of rest, ibuprofen and occasional pain killers to get better. Just awesome.... Not what I needed now... Although all this sleep has been nice, and relaxing lol. I just hate that it hurts so dang much to inhale... Oh well not really anything I can do except for get better now.

I'm feeling really disconnected from the world lately. I feel like since I've moved everyone has forgotten we exist. I got a new phone, and told people I needed them to text me so I'd have their number and only one person messaged me. Just one. Hows that for love? My brother messages when he needs a babysitter, I never hear from my mom unless I message her, John and Glenn never talked to me anyway, and as for friends, well other than Jill and her family I don't really get to see anyone. On nice days Grace and I take walks, and play in the yard but I'm feeling lonely and forgotten. For awhile there in my life, I almost felt like I had friends, but I guess I built that all up in my head. Oh well. Maybe when Grace starts school in the fall I'll make friends, who knows? I'm so full of anxiety and so nervous around new people, its hard to just open up and be myself. Then again, I get nervous they won't like me because of things that are beyond my control, like my teeth. Seriously, when you see someone with a mouth full of broken teeth and empty spaces, what do you think? My first thought was usually along the lines of druggie, trash, and whatnot. Now.... Now I know what its like to to be on the recieving end of those looks and it hurts. I can't help that chemo destroyed my teeth, and of course I'm so self conscious about it that I almost always blurt out about chemo and cancer and what not, then I feel like I've said too much and like maybe they think I'm trying to get sympathy, so it makes me more awkward. Such a catch 22. Wish I could afford to just have all my teeth pulled and have dentures put in.

made Easter eggs with Grace, Jill and the boys last night. It was a lot of fun. Today Grace and I have been cleaning like crazy because tomorrow we're getting a couch, finally!! Super exciting. So Grace and I are redoing the living room and making space for it to come in. We are so glad that this couch became available, Jills dad is cleaning out his mothers house and this couch sat in her living room barely used. Its clean and decent looking and more comfortable than the floor lol. We've been hanging out on the floor on cushions since our couch didn't fit, and we were planning on getting a new one when we had the money so this is really perfect.

this weekend I've thought about my dad a ton. I had a pound of bacon in the fridge about to expire and I just couldn't let that happen, do I decided to use it up in the best way possible - cheesy bacon roll ups! This treat is usually reserved for parties and new years eve but I was just craving them. Nice little surprise for Scott when he got home. Then this morning I used the leftover bacon up making a big breakfast. Pancakes from scratch (the recipe I used was so simple and easy and boy were they tasty! I'll never use a quick mix again!!), bacon, sausages and hash browns. It was definitely dad worthy.

the past couple weeks my stomach has been weird. I'm starving so I eat but after a few bites I'm so full I can't stand to look at food, just to be back to starving in like 20-30 minutes. Its the weirdest thing and its driving me nuts. Maybe I just need to go hungry for a day to get my body working right again.

I've been super productive the past couple days. All I have left to do is vacuum and that'll happen tomorrow. House is super clean (even after a huge breakfast mess lol) right now.

Scans are tomorrow, they canceled the abdomen and pelvis ct for some reason, not sure why. Will have to ask when I see the doc tomorrow. Will update when I know results

I want my life back. I feel like I'm living someone else's life and I want mine back. I'm so tired of feeling like a stranger in my own body. Living like I don't belong here. Ugh why'd I have to get cancer? It fucked everything up and now nothing feels right anymore. It makes me so sad…. 

Oh daddy, why am I missing you so much this past week? 

I've got scans coming up soon, maybe that's why? They don't make me nervous anymore, now they make me sad. You always saw reason to celebrate, and now without you, it feels like other than Scott no one cares. I wish I had 2 minutes with you. I'd hug you and tell you just how much I love you. I wish you could come home. 

Watching The Crazy Ones tonight and it actually made me cry, I mean I laughed as well but I cried.  Simon (Robin Williams character) was giving the eulogy for someone who no one liked really.  And he basically said that it doesn't matter if anyone else loved him because the mans daughter did.  It hit me close to the heart.  I honestly don't give a damn if anyone else loved my dad, I did.  I was daddy's girl, and that's really all that matters now.  He was my father, he may not have been the best father but he was mine. And God damnit I miss that man a ton.  Like right now I'm a blubbering mess because my heart just aches for him.  I can't believe its been a year since he's died and it still can hurt so much.

I know its been awhile since I wrote, but life has been busy since the move.  Not much is happening other than I signed Grace up on abcmouse.com and shes enjoying it.  I fell down the stairs about a week ago and smashed my head hard on the floor.  That's been fun. Had X-rays and cts done to make sure I didn't do any damage and thankfully other than some swelling and bruising I'm fine. Just gotta wait for all that to go away. Its making me so sore and tired. Doc said my occipital neuralgia is probably making it worse. Fun times. 

Well that's it really