It has been a long time since I've prayed and felt the presence of God wash over me, but this morning I was starting to cry because I was feeling like what if step two doesn't work? What if it's all for nothing and it just doesn't go the way we want it to?  So I started praying, and then I just flat out asked if I was going to get my way (while I was crying) and I felt a warmth in my heart, almost like He was telling me not to worry, it was going to work and it was all going to be fine because shortly after I stopped crying and felt better. So back to my this is going to be okay :-)

Now if only the rain would stop so I could run my errands without getting soaked lol

Every night I read Grace a bedtime story, it's our time to snuggle, unwind, relax and just be together. We tonight she decides she wants to use the flashlight and read by herself in bed. Ok no big deal. She even falls asleep without me telling her, bonus! Fast forward to 130am and she awakes to pee, and then starts having a huge fit because I didn't read to her. I tried telling her to go back to bed. I threatened. I counted. I gave in. And for sanity sake read her a short story at 2am. Now she's sleeping peacefully and I'm awake. And it's now 3am and I still can't sleep. Someone want to read me a bedtime story?

I hate being up at 6 am every day now. I just can't go back to sleep. It sucks. Oh well. 

Ok yesterday's posts was a real downer and that's not me (well at least not about this part two ). So I'm back to my it's going to work and it's going to be perfect and everything will be alright attitude. And you know what? It will! You know why? Cause God is good and He's listening and He knows what's in my heart and just what I'm asking for. But everyone please pray for me. And no it's not cancer but I'm asking Him for something huge and I need all the prayers I can get. I promise I'll explain someday, when it all works out.  

Will He really answer me

An LDS prayer and song 

Doesn't seem to matter how I try

These thoughts just keep returning to my mind

Will He really answer me

Will He see what my heart needs

Will He have the time for me

Who feels so unworthy 

Will He really hear my prayer

Will He let me feel Him there

Will He let me know He cares

Enough to answer me 

He's never broken His promise He'll be there

He hears each word and each heart felt thought in prayer

He is devoted to you

He'll help you know what is true

That's what's He's promised to do

He promised He'd never leave us all alone

He'd mark the path that will lead His children home

Don't be afraid of the task

He'll answer you if you if you ask 

That's what He's promised, 

That's what He's promised to do

Yes He really answers me

Yes He knows what my heart needs

And now I feel worthy 

He really hears my prayers

And He lets me feel Him there

And He lets me know He cares enough to answer me

He answered me

He answered me

I'm scared. I'm really scared. I know I haven't really talked about what the two big steps I'm about to take are, and that because step two scares me. A lot. 

Step one is we're are moving a couple towns over. And this one we should be able to handle without any trouble. 

But step two I can't talk about what it is yet, not until it's successful but I'm so scared. What if I fail? I'd be so heartbroken. I don't know what I'd do if I'm unsuccessful in step two. I pray a lot for it to go my way but I also know that it's also in Gods hands and it's up to him how it's going to go. Oh God, but please pray it goes my way, please. 

6am and I'm awake. Again. Like clockwork everyday now for a few months. It's getting old really. I fell asleep with Grace last night at like 10, so it's not that big a problem today, the problem is being so tired last night. I need to make bows. Lots of bows. I made 4 while she was at school and 6 the night before but I need more! We sold a lot at our last show so we need to restock.  Which is a good thing, it means our name is getting out there.

I tried on a pair of size 14m jeans and I could get them on, but not buttoned and zippered. I'm almost out of plus sizes baby!!!! That's a big step for me. I've been a "plus size" for so long that I can't remember wearing regular clothes. I don't work out anymore is the problem so my weight loss is so. I just can't get back into it for some reason. 

As I'm about to take two big steps in my life I need to hear this again: 

“As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend. I brought 
my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of 
leaving him in peace to work alone I hung around and tried to help with 
ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried "How could you be so slow"  "My child", He said, "What could I do? You never did let go.”

The first step I know we can handle, and tackle but we'll need faith to make it through, as we always need faith in all things. 

The second step is a huge step and we are going to need more faith and prayers to get the results I want. No, I'm not sick again, just to put you at ease. But we are taking a big step now for something big, something huge, and I'm actually really hopefully and really excited. 

So my loyal readers please say some prayers that everything will work the way I need them too :-)

So here I go, I'm letting go and I'm letting God. I'm stepping off the ledge with the faith that the next step is there. Wish me luck 

Do you make decisions for your life? Well apparently I don't get to make mine.  Chemo, radiation and cancer are making the choices for me.  I wanted a big family, I wanted 2 girls and a boy, to protect his sisters of course. But you know what I learned? I learned that my ovaries aren't working, that they are just "okay" for now and are just going to keep getting worse. I learned that if I even wanted one more baby I better start hormones and trying soon because the longer I wait the less likely I'll be to get pregnant.  I learned that the cancer killed my hope, my vision, my dream...

You win cancer.

I may have won the battle but you won the war.  You've made all the choices for my life since you've shown up.  You've decided what I can and can not have in my life, like my vision, being pain free, my teeth and nails and now a big family.  So I give up.  You win.  You hear me? I may have won the big battle, but you win the whole war.  So please do me a favor? Just don't ever darken my doorstep again. Just stay away, cause I'm not sure what else you can take from me. I don't have anything else to give you.

Got the results of my fertility tests today (in case you couldn't tell) and it wasn't completely devastating but it wasn't promising either. So as soon as our knew health insurance starts up we shall start undergoing treatment to try to have another baby.  Apparently our last baby, by no choice of our own.  How does Scott feel? I don't know.  He won't tell me. Just tells me not to depress myself and to think positive.  I want to know how he feels about having this choice taken away from us.  But that's not unusual for him, he doesn't talk to me about things he thinks will upset me.  

Be well...