Do you make decisions for your life? Well apparently I don't get to make mine.  Chemo, radiation and cancer are making the choices for me.  I wanted a big family, I wanted 2 girls and a boy, to protect his sisters of course. But you know what I learned? I learned that my ovaries aren't working, that they are just "okay" for now and are just going to keep getting worse. I learned that if I even wanted one more baby I better start hormones and trying soon because the longer I wait the less likely I'll be to get pregnant.  I learned that the cancer killed my hope, my vision, my dream...

You win cancer.

I may have won the battle but you won the war.  You've made all the choices for my life since you've shown up.  You've decided what I can and can not have in my life, like my vision, being pain free, my teeth and nails and now a big family.  So I give up.  You win.  You hear me? I may have won the big battle, but you win the whole war.  So please do me a favor? Just don't ever darken my doorstep again. Just stay away, cause I'm not sure what else you can take from me. I don't have anything else to give you.

Got the results of my fertility tests today (in case you couldn't tell) and it wasn't completely devastating but it wasn't promising either. So as soon as our knew health insurance starts up we shall start undergoing treatment to try to have another baby.  Apparently our last baby, by no choice of our own.  How does Scott feel? I don't know.  He won't tell me. Just tells me not to depress myself and to think positive.  I want to know how he feels about having this choice taken away from us.  But that's not unusual for him, he doesn't talk to me about things he thinks will upset me.  

Be well...