Well step 2 is a failure before it even started. We were gonna go through fertility treatment and have another baby but dreams have been crushed once we heard how much the first set of injections cost. A whopping 446.53$. Yea… can't afford that so the dream is over. Grace will be an only child and my dreams will be unfulfilled. I'm beyond crushed and heartbroken about this. 

I'm so done with family…. I'm tired of feeling so hurt and heartbroken by them and yet I can't stop caring. Maybe if I just stay away and never know when they all get together without me it would be fine but every time I hear they got together and left me out I'm left completely heartbroken and devastated. I just can't figure out why they hate me so much. They must or else they wouldn't exclude me all the time. I'm just tired of crying after I've been with them…

It has been a long time since I've prayed and felt the presence of God wash over me, but this morning I was starting to cry because I was feeling like what if step two doesn't work? What if it's all for nothing and it just doesn't go the way we want it to?  So I started praying, and then I just flat out asked if I was going to get my way (while I was crying) and I felt a warmth in my heart, almost like He was telling me not to worry, it was going to work and it was all going to be fine because shortly after I stopped crying and felt better. So back to my this is going to be okay :-)

Now if only the rain would stop so I could run my errands without getting soaked lol

Every night I read Grace a bedtime story, it's our time to snuggle, unwind, relax and just be together. We tonight she decides she wants to use the flashlight and read by herself in bed. Ok no big deal. She even falls asleep without me telling her, bonus! Fast forward to 130am and she awakes to pee, and then starts having a huge fit because I didn't read to her. I tried telling her to go back to bed. I threatened. I counted. I gave in. And for sanity sake read her a short story at 2am. Now she's sleeping peacefully and I'm awake. And it's now 3am and I still can't sleep. Someone want to read me a bedtime story?

I hate being up at 6 am every day now. I just can't go back to sleep. It sucks. Oh well. 

Ok yesterday's posts was a real downer and that's not me (well at least not about this part two ). So I'm back to my it's going to work and it's going to be perfect and everything will be alright attitude. And you know what? It will! You know why? Cause God is good and He's listening and He knows what's in my heart and just what I'm asking for. But everyone please pray for me. And no it's not cancer but I'm asking Him for something huge and I need all the prayers I can get. I promise I'll explain someday, when it all works out.  

Will He really answer me

An LDS prayer and song 

Doesn't seem to matter how I try

These thoughts just keep returning to my mind

Will He really answer me

Will He see what my heart needs

Will He have the time for me

Who feels so unworthy 

Will He really hear my prayer

Will He let me feel Him there

Will He let me know He cares

Enough to answer me 

He's never broken His promise He'll be there

He hears each word and each heart felt thought in prayer

He is devoted to you

He'll help you know what is true

That's what's He's promised to do

He promised He'd never leave us all alone

He'd mark the path that will lead His children home

Don't be afraid of the task

He'll answer you if you if you ask 

That's what He's promised, 

That's what He's promised to do

Yes He really answers me

Yes He knows what my heart needs

And now I feel worthy 

He really hears my prayers

And He lets me feel Him there

And He lets me know He cares enough to answer me

He answered me

He answered me

I'm scared. I'm really scared. I know I haven't really talked about what the two big steps I'm about to take are, and that because step two scares me. A lot. 

Step one is we're are moving a couple towns over. And this one we should be able to handle without any trouble. 

But step two I can't talk about what it is yet, not until it's successful but I'm so scared. What if I fail? I'd be so heartbroken. I don't know what I'd do if I'm unsuccessful in step two. I pray a lot for it to go my way but I also know that it's also in Gods hands and it's up to him how it's going to go. Oh God, but please pray it goes my way, please. 

6am and I'm awake. Again. Like clockwork everyday now for a few months. It's getting old really. I fell asleep with Grace last night at like 10, so it's not that big a problem today, the problem is being so tired last night. I need to make bows. Lots of bows. I made 4 while she was at school and 6 the night before but I need more! We sold a lot at our last show so we need to restock.  Which is a good thing, it means our name is getting out there.

I tried on a pair of size 14m jeans and I could get them on, but not buttoned and zippered. I'm almost out of plus sizes baby!!!! That's a big step for me. I've been a "plus size" for so long that I can't remember wearing regular clothes. I don't work out anymore is the problem so my weight loss is so. I just can't get back into it for some reason. 

As I'm about to take two big steps in my life I need to hear this again: 

“As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend. I brought 
my broken dreams to God because he was my friend. But then instead of 
leaving him in peace to work alone I hung around and tried to help with 
ways that were my own. At last I snatched them back and cried "How could you be so slow"  "My child", He said, "What could I do? You never did let go.”

The first step I know we can handle, and tackle but we'll need faith to make it through, as we always need faith in all things. 

The second step is a huge step and we are going to need more faith and prayers to get the results I want. No, I'm not sick again, just to put you at ease. But we are taking a big step now for something big, something huge, and I'm actually really hopefully and really excited. 

So my loyal readers please say some prayers that everything will work the way I need them too :-)

So here I go, I'm letting go and I'm letting God. I'm stepping off the ledge with the faith that the next step is there. Wish me luck 

Do you make decisions for your life? Well apparently I don't get to make mine.  Chemo, radiation and cancer are making the choices for me.  I wanted a big family, I wanted 2 girls and a boy, to protect his sisters of course. But you know what I learned? I learned that my ovaries aren't working, that they are just "okay" for now and are just going to keep getting worse. I learned that if I even wanted one more baby I better start hormones and trying soon because the longer I wait the less likely I'll be to get pregnant.  I learned that the cancer killed my hope, my vision, my dream...

You win cancer.

I may have won the battle but you won the war.  You've made all the choices for my life since you've shown up.  You've decided what I can and can not have in my life, like my vision, being pain free, my teeth and nails and now a big family.  So I give up.  You win.  You hear me? I may have won the big battle, but you win the whole war.  So please do me a favor? Just don't ever darken my doorstep again. Just stay away, cause I'm not sure what else you can take from me. I don't have anything else to give you.

Got the results of my fertility tests today (in case you couldn't tell) and it wasn't completely devastating but it wasn't promising either. So as soon as our knew health insurance starts up we shall start undergoing treatment to try to have another baby.  Apparently our last baby, by no choice of our own.  How does Scott feel? I don't know.  He won't tell me. Just tells me not to depress myself and to think positive.  I want to know how he feels about having this choice taken away from us.  But that's not unusual for him, he doesn't talk to me about things he thinks will upset me.  

Be well...

Who's got the cutest girl? Oh that's right, I do! She's a completely different person when it's just me and her and I'm enjoying my alone time with her while Scott's at work. I'm also enjoying my alone time while they are both gone so I can get my house clean and back to the proper standards that it should be at. I didn't realize just how hard it was to clean when another person was around. On Wednesday I cleaned my entire upstairs and I loved it. Like legit loved scrubbing the bathroom and everything. Yeah I must be ill lol. 

The insomnia is still pretty bad. I hate waking up at 3, 4 or 5 in the am for no reason. It definitely sucks laying in bed and staring at the wall. I can only count so many sheep before I start imagine them crashing into the fence lol. Have any suggestions on how to beat insomnia? It's not from medicine so there's got to be another reason for it. 

I've lost so much weight I look like a bag lady in my clothes now lol. I ordered a couple long sleeved tshirts that will hopefully fit. Should be here soon I hope. 

I'm nervous about the idea of having another baby. What if I'm damage and can't get pregnant? Or have only miscarriages? Or have babies with lots of medical problems? Or what if I get sick again? Ugh…. Gotta have faith everything will work out the way it should I guess. I'm trying but right now it's kind of hard. Well as Scott said last night, just got to take it day by day and step by step. 

Be well

When I saw my endocrinologist a short while ago she did blood work, and told me I was premenopausal and that if I wanted to have a baby I needed to do it sooner rather than later. So we made an appointment at the center for infertility and reproductive surgery. 

Yesterday we had that appointment. Once again we were told sooner is better, but she wants to run more tests before we go any further and before any decisions are made. So now we wait. I keep hearing the music from jeapordary playing in my head. I'm really bad at waiting. Ask anyone. 

Be well

You spend a lifetime saying 

This is who I am
ohh
Then you find yourself saying something
You don't understand
You look in the mirror, 
and there you are..

You're daddy's girl

Daddy's girl by Katy Sagal

Missing my dad tonight…

I always insisted I was nothing like him but I am like him and I'm trying to change the bad points of me

And I am a daddy's girl

Miss you daddy

For those of you who still read this you're about to get a special glimpse into my life. But I'm so happy about it I could burst. Before I met Scott I was a size 18/20, I don't remember my weight, then of course you get comfortable in a relationship and I went up to a size 28, and weighed in at a whopping 280 pounds. At the time I didn't care, Scott loves me any which way I am so why would I?  Well along comes cancer and chemo knocks me down to 255 pounds, a size 20/22, great numbers for me! But after chemo I ballooned back up. To a whopping 320 pound, a size 28/30. Holy damn was I huge. My doctors were concerned. I was depressed. Fast forward to my dad dies and I realize I don't want to be like him. I love him but I don't want to be him. So I've set mini goals as I've gone and I've watched and loved as my clothing size has dropped from anywhere from a 16-20 now, but my weight still hovers above my chemo weight. My chemo weight is my first big goal, my first go buy yourself something nice goal (well when I can lol). 

Today I have passed my chemo weight! And now my next mini goal is 240, but my next big goal is 220, so stay tuned cause I will be there before you know it!!

Can't sleep again…. 

Scott's start date was delayed because his background check was taking longer than they thought, but he got the email tonight that the background check was clear and he's clear to start work, so now we wait to hear his new start date. 

Halloween is coming and Grace is so excited. Carving pumpkins tomorrow and making an apple pie. Grace can't wait to carve her little pumpkins up. Grace is gonna be Frankie Stein from monster high, what's your little one dressing up as  this year?

I had a dream that I want to press charges against the guy who raped me and on the day everyone was suppose to show in court to be my character witness they all decided not to testify and I remember walking to walmart crying because my siblings all basically called me a slut, said I wanted it and that it wasn't rape. Then while at Walmart someone robbed me. It was an awful dream. I woke up in silent tears and my pillow was wet. I hope that's not how my family really thinks of me

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit damnit 

Made sure I stayed up past 9/10 o'clock last night so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night night instead Grace woke me up. Looking back that's what wakes me up most night. *sigh* I want to cry…. Yesterday I was up from 3am onward, looks like today is too. Damn. I'm just so tired. But I just can't get back to sleep. Off to keep trying 

Grace had her first field trip yesterday and she loved it! We went to Parlee farms and she had a blast. We had a hay ride, and picked apples and pumpkins. We ate lunch then fed goats and sheep then she and her "best friends" Sophia and Karenna ran around the hay maze for a long time. 

Did I mention she got a kick out of riding on the bus? I can't believe how big my girl is getting. She'll be going off to kindergarten next year.  

Ok so we got 18$ this week from unemployment which means that we are in for the roughest month of our lives. But we shall get through it, we always somehow make it through everything God ever sends our way. I guess that makes us really strong people. But seriously, readers, expect some tears and whatnot because it's bound to be a bumpy month. 

Definitely not having a good day. Feeling like crying…

YPrayers have been answered!! Scott gott the job at microsoft! Oh God is this what breathing is? I guess I've been holding my breath because when he got the job I gave a great big breath of relief and I felt a difference in my body! The next month is still going to be hard money-wise but once he starts getting paid it'll get better. Oh God thank you! Just as unemployment ran out the job came through but now our biggest hardship - the upcoming month. But like everything else we shall make it through 

I had more cake this weekend than I could ever dream of! Billy got me a Boston cream pie (one of my fav's!), mom got me one from La Cascia's, and Jill got me one! I feel like I'm rolling seeing as how on three different days I've had a slice of cake. Thankfully I haven't gained any weight. 

Siting in the doctors office waiting to have more blood tests done. Not sure when I get the results. I'm gonna make sure to ask because I'm really curious and I want to know what comes next. 

Someone finally listened to me when I said something is wrong because I have NO sex drive and that's not me at all. So they sent me off to endocrinology and they found out my body is producing no hormones anymore. So they are running more tests and then gonna start meds. At least that's what she said originally. We shall she what the new results make her say. 

What yesterday was revealed to me (about why that test was needed). In short Radiation Broke pituitary which broke the thyroid which maybe broke the adrenal gland. So I definitely am going on meds for the broken thyroid. 

I also have to go on meds because my body produces no estrogen. Yesterday's test was to see if the adrenal glands are functioning right. 

So in short that was my day yesterday. Oh and I get to add just one more doctor to my list. An endocrine reproduction specialist. Gotta see him before I can start the estrogen. Yea this is fun, someone wanna trade places? 

Totally fit into a pair of size 16's tonight. Yup, feeling good

Jill and family surprised me with cake, gingerbread muffins, a card and a gift tonight for my birthday. Totally made me feel awesome. Couldn't ask for better friends then them. I'm so lucky to know them :-)

Tonight I fit into a size 18, and I only wish I had the extra money to buy them because they felt amazing…. I can't remember the last time I wore an 18. 

I can only pray so much and so hard before I loose my faith, and I'm starting to…

Feeling like a tiny dot and God forgot me and doesn't care anymore…

Ok god, you win I give up. I can't even find housing for my family now. I feel defeated. I throw in the towel. I raise the white flag. You win. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what you want from me anymore, I have nothing left to give. Except my tears and even those are drying up. I'm done

Talk about a bomb falling…

My lab tests came back and I was told that if I do want to have another baby I have to do it sooner rather than later. My body is not producing any hormones anymore. 

So much for my "I don't want another baby" stance. This just rocked my whole being…

After such a craptastic day yesterday I woke today determined to make today better, and so far I seem to be failing. I'm still feeling low and nothing I do is making that better. I miss my dad like crazy and I want so much to not to that I keep trying to think of the ba things, like his mood swings and his laziness ect ect ect but then I think of the good things, like playing cards, him teaching me to drive ect ect ect that it makes me miss him. I wish I spent more time with him these past few years and not being to busy and into my own life. 

Any way, trying to make today better and I'm gonna get my house cleaned and groceries bought (and no I will not go into market basket cause that may just cause another full break down again) and if I can I'm gonna work on painting that room, but seriously painting over red and dark blue is more of a challenge than I really was expecting. I was hoping to be done with this room and have it all set up by the end of this week, and I still hae hopes for that I guess. But I am taking pictures this time. I've got 2 before, and 2 during an hopefully I'll have a few afters as well. 

Oh God help me. I keep sinking lower and lower into this depression and I can't get out. I've spent the past two mornings in tears all while trying to paint a room. And I keep feeling like I'm messing it up, when in all honesty it's not looking so bad. I just can't get out of this funk I'm in and every time I try I seem to sink lower. It's almost like quicksand and the more I struggle the lower I go. I can't stop crying at the moment and i have no distractions to help. I don't even have anyone to talk to anymore… I'm done. Just done. 

So we go out to dinner to try to salvage some of the day and seeing as the car seat was in the van we just took that. We get up to Peabody, eat and get back in the car. I put the key in and try to start the car and nothing happened. All the lights lit up so I knew it wasn't the battery so I tried again and still nothing. Messaged John bout it, then called triple A for a tow, then called Gary and Estelle to take 2 of us home.  Gary gets there, tried the car again and still nothing. Now there's 3 adults and 2 kids hanging out waiting for triple A. The tow guy shows up, an hour later and tries to start it up and what happens? The damn car starts!! So Gary followed us home so I'd feel a little better just in case something else happened. *sigh* just the icing on the day… 

God I'm here asking for help. I'm feeling lost and forgotten by You. Please let Scott get a job soon. I can't take much more of the uncertainty and stress. We've got very little bit of incoming money and a lot of outgoing. God are You there? Are You listening? Did You forget me again? I have a little mouth to feed, and I don't know how to make the ends meet anymore, they just can't stretch that far. How has it gotten this far? Why has it been so hard this time? Normally I'm the one with all the faith that things will work out and be okay but my faith is shaken and I'm feeling so lost and I can't seem to find my way anymore. Please help me God, the bible doesn't even bring me comfort right now. Did You forget me? Please help me find comfort 

Other than my mother and husband I really have no one to share this with so I'm sharing it here. I'm down to a size 20! From a 28/30! This is the last of my stockpiled sizes! Once I'm out of 20's I'm actually gonna have to start buying pants for myself! this is a big step for me. I've been wearing 20's for a couple weeks now and it's felt amazing, but I haven't worn a size 18 since I met Scott 12 years ago! So I'm hoping to reach that soon! It's been 12 years since I was this small. 12 years! That's a very long time to be super fat! and granted I'm still fat at least I'm not feeling super fat anymore. I'm a little less insecure about myself, although sometimes I put on a shirt and take it off cause I think it makes me look preggo lol.   

Signing off now

Went to see oncologist after my scans, and he walks into the exam room takes one look at me and says "oh my god you look amazing!" which of course made me feel amazing! He asked how much I've lost and I told him that I've lost 65 pounds so far. He proceeds to tell me my scans are clean (was there ever any doubt?) and we talk about the occipital nerve block, the pain and his brand new 6 week old son. By the end of our visit I'm teary eyed cause he has informed me that it's his last visit with me, he's moving into a research role across town and as of October first he won't see me anymore. So the man I've come to trust so much is leaving me. 

Well it seems the nerve block didn't work as its been like 15 days or something and I'm still in agony. Time for the next step I guess. Go back on September 10 to talk about it. 

Wish I had more to say but I'm exhausted, been up since 630 and it's weighing me down tonight. More tomorrow about my scans and my visit with the amazingly awesome Adam Crystal. 

Had an occipital nerve blocker procedure done this week. They stuck two needles in my head. Twice. It hurt so fucking bad. Like I was in tears bad. As of right now the pain feels worse. They said it would take 3-5 days to work. If it works that is. this is day 3, it's not looking hopeful yet. 

I had a dream the other night that Scott was offered a job this month, I hope that one comes true. Things are super tight and I can't take much more of my guilt over needing government assistance. I hate that we need the help. It killed me to walk into those places and ask. I'm starting to hate me.  I feel like everyone is judging us. Hell I judge us. Especially when/if they see our fairly new car and our iPhones (which are old 4's not the new one, FYI). But people are so quick to judge. I know because I used to do it. But people don't see how hard we struggle to pay the car payment and phone bills.  It's hard to make ends meet anymore and when his unemployment runs out at the end of the month we're beyond f'ed cause I don't get enough in disability to cover all the bills. We'll definitely lose phones, and if it weren't for his brother paying cable we'd lose that too. I'd be able to make car payments and credit card payments but not car insurance payments, and buy groceries (thanks to the help of wic and the food stamps I'm sure we'd get ). Oh but how would we get to the store? Well thankfully I'd have my mothers help, or else I'd be walking everyday. Maybe that's not a bad thing, I'd lose more weight. I wonder if we still have the old lady cart somewhere? Guess I better look. Makes carrying groceries home so much easier and then I could buy for two days instead of one. 

Oops pitty party over

I've been reading about long qt syndrome and it makes me a teeny tiny little bit nervous. Almost nervous enough to call my primary and get in now. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm more curious than nervous. Do I have it? What does it mean for me? What's the treatment? All kinds of fun questions. 

Couldn't have the infusion the other day because my heart rate was abnormal on my EKG. Wasted trip. And now he wants to do an MRI of my neck. So of I go for that. As if I didn't have to worry about enough of my body lets just throw another part in. So today I'll head off for an MRI to see if something may be pushing on the nerve. Then I wait 5 days and I'll go get the results. Fun fun. I'm so loving this part of my life (sarcasm)

Been up for an hour already and still can't sleep. Pain has been awful lately and I pray this infusion works. But then again, if it does work how long will it last? There were absolutely no guarentees that it would last even for a full day, but then again, on the opposite side, it could last a month or longer too. 

You tired of my bitching yet? Please let me know. I could shut up. Could being the key word. But I just might cause I'm getting tired of me. I do pretty good on staying silent most days about it but some days I complain. More so lately but I try not to burden others with the awful pain I'm in. 

Did I mention that apparently I'm A bitch. I asked a group of friends for an opinion on a new bow and I guess another bow maker/seller got pissed and told me to stop posting my bows. I should have been more clear in my intention on the post but i was tired. So I'll just stop posting altogether so I don't offend anyone anymore. I'll still read but I just won't post. Oh well. 

Infusion today so off to try to sleep more

Daddy sometimes I think you are a real ass. What right did you have in wondering, and being scared, that I was going to die if you couldn't even take care of yourself to stay alive for me. Not fair at all

 Riddle me this batman:

Why is that that when Scott's home my child becomes a whining clingy mess and wants to be with us ALL the time, doesn't listen and has a fresh mouth (a lot of the time), yet when it's just me and her she's ms independent, sweet and a super star listener? What's the difference here? She's with us both ALL the time so why behave for me and not for him?

By the way she's officially FOUR now!! I'm so excited. 

I've decided I don't want another kid. Life is getting so easy now and I just don't want to throw a baby into the mix so no more for us. 

Having trouble sleeping. Up all hours still. Lidocaine infusion next week and I'm practically counting down the minutes. I really hope this works

Doing family pictures today, so of course Grace gets a cold. It's just my luck. Kinda like no one wants to buy my bows. Still gotta try the farmers market and our website (that is being built) but I figured my friends would all buy at least one from me to give me a bit of a start, but I guess not. Oh well, that's that folks. It just makes me a little discouraged. 

I didn't take my meds for 2 nights. Spent two days feeling like my body was vibrating. Like legit vibrating. Took meds last night, Slept ok, No vibrating so far today. Wonder which med gives me the detox feeling? 

Set up a play date for Grace with most of the girls from her class. I'm actually looking forward to it. 

Still have sooooooooo much to do for Graces party. I gotta still buy some decorating stuff, clean, get all her stuff upstairs. I'm waiting on some stuff I ordered still. I'm cutting it super close this year. Shame on me. 

I bought her a dress that turned out to be too big! So my mom bought her a new dress and it's perfect. 

I've been making bows every night for awhile now. At first it was just for Grace. Now I gotta start selling them for a couple reasons. 1. my child does not need a new bow for everyday of the rest of her life lol, and 2. I gotta start funding my addiction lol. I'm having a blast making them. 

And that's just a few. Not even close to what I've got 

I hate my meds. They make me too sleepy. I don't want to take them anymore. Besides they don't seem to help really. Who cares anyway?

Up in the early hours again. This time I got to listen to Grace cough for awhile. The doctor took her off the inhaler for a week to see if she needs it still. I'm thinking yes. She's coughing at night again. 

In retreading my blog I notice I question my ability to be a good mother, does everyone question themselves?

Can't sleep clown will eat me

Can't sleep clown will eat me

Can't sleep clown will eat me

Ok so that's not true, but I still can't sleep. And that's not good because we have 2 birthday parties to go to today. 

Speaking of, I've got Grace's planned out, now just to shop, my favorite part hehe.

Pain is horrible, and it's worse when I put pressure on my head, so laying down sucks. So I get very little sleep. Is it July 31st yet? 

Grace misses her little friends from school, and I'm feeling like the social outcast because no one talks to me anymore. I've tried setting up play dates with the few moms I know how to contact but all I get is excuses.  

Scott has another phone interview tomorrow, with the company he face to face interviewed with, this time with the vp. I'm hopeful for an offer soon. 

Ouch…

I burned my finger with the hot glue gun tonight

Ouch…

I think I'll skip tomorrow nights use of it. Unless the Elmo ribbon comes in lol. 

Better be more careful I guess hehe

12-18 years ago I used to sit and write poems all day. My grandfather thought I'd really go somewhere with it. But when I turned 18 the ability to write seemed to drain right out of me. This morning I woke up at 4am and suddenly inspiration hit and I wrote and I wrote, until it seemed to end on its own. And let me say it felt great to write again. I hope it wasn't just a fluke because it was awesome. I'm a bit rusty but here it is for your reading pleasure:

Dad,

As a child I adored you, 

As a teen I hated you, 

As an adult I loved you, 

Now you're gone I miss you. 

I spent so much time angry,

Too much time on blame.

I blamed you for my problems,

When we were one in the same.

You can't glue back a broken heart,

For there is no repair.

No glue that is strong enough,

To make the break not there.

There is no way to get you back,

Or to ever go and see you.

Everyone you left behind,

Still really misses you.

Sometimes the storm starts,

And you have to let the tears fall.

Can you hear me when I talk?

Is this a one way call?

I miss all your singing,

The talking, and all you'd say.

I even miss the game shows,

You'd watch throughout the day.

I guess I better go now,

Even though there's much to say,

I don't think you'd want to

Listen to me talk all day

Another restless night, awake early again. This is getting old - fast. Is it July 31 yet? I can't wait to try the lidocaine infusion. I need relief. 

I planned Graces party, and what her cake will look like. Now I just need to shop, clean, and buy a couple presents. I'm very excited. Grace has a very short wish list so far, monster high books and a hula hoop (or in her words a hula loopster).

Scott had another phone interview yesterday. I've got my fingers crossed that something comes from all these interviews. 

I woke up, yesterday, with a start wondering what time it was, if I slept through my alarm and then searching for my phone to find out. I tossed about and searched my bed (where my phone usually is cause I fall asleep reading on it) only to find it on my vanity, next to my necklace. The necklace I never take off. I was beyond confused about it. Scott says he didn't take it off, and I really don't recall taking it off, so yea…

Went off to the brigham to meet with a neurosurgeon. Wait 3 long hours to meet with him and learn earlier diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia is wrong, I have occipital neuralgia, and he doesn't work with the occipital nerve. But he talked about the different things that could be done, and told us who to see. First step is back to the pain clinic for a lidocaine infusion, and to have an appointment possibly scheduled with the other surgeon. 

(written on 6-20)

Grace has been on an inhaler for like 2-3 weeks now. When she got sick back in January she had a cough she couldn't shake. So I took her in and they gave us an inhaler. It seems to be working a lot so that's good. My SIL thinks I should have her tested for allergies, but if te inhaler is helping should I put her through all the testing?  I gotta call her doctor tomorrow for a follow up and see what he thinks. 

More cute quotes from Grace;

A few weeks ago Scott got a text message. I looked at him and asked who it was and he said Billy. Grace rolled her eyes and said "where does he want to go now?"

Wow last nights dream was about chipmunks and baby squirrels living in the house! Too nuts!

We actually did have a baby squirrel in the house, about a month or so ago. Got stuck inside our basement and couldn't figure a way out. Scott caught him and we brought him outside. Now we see him hanging around near the house all the time hehe. He was so little and cute. 

These dreams are pretty messed up. 

I'm going to start writing them down here everytime I wake up from one. They are just that strange

Oh daddy, it's fathers day and no amount of sticking my head in the sand could make that change, or allow me to hide. I couldn't even buy cards for my brothers, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how much I wanted to, because the uncle cards were placed next to the grandpa cards and on the other side was the dad cards. I would cry everytime I tried because I just wanted to be buying you one. It just hurt too much to even be near the cards. 

Grace misses you tons too. She talks about how you're in heaven and that she wants you to come home now, but I keep telling her you can't come back now, that once you go to heaven you probably don't want to come back anymore. Because once you get there it's so beautiful and you are finally free from all the pain that you were experiencing while you were alive. And really as much as you loved all us, why would you want to come back?

I would almost rather be angry than sad because sad hurts too much. It just plain sucks because I hate wanting to cry. Specially as much as I have since you died. 

And poor, sweet Scott has been ignored today, and has taken it with grace and dealt with it. And he's such a good father, and a good husband. I'm lucky and Grace is lucky, 

I've been having a lot of dreams about slot machines lately. Usually involves me being at foxwoods and playing on the 1$ slots but I win tons. At least my dreams are kind to me. Yup, Still having strange dreams lately lol

Psychiatrist put me on another med this past week. So that makes a total of 3 now. I'm hoping it helps. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs are killing me and making me feel awful about myself and my ability to function in society. I hate questioning myself all the time

I miss you daddy. I can't believe tomorrows fathers day and I won't see you. I just want to cry. It feels so strange not having you here with us. I'm not sure I even want to awknowledge that it's fathers day. It would be easier to stay in bed all day. This just plain sucks

I've been having strange dreams lately. Like wake up and go "what the heck was that about!". I remember waking up early this morning and saying "leave it to me to combine _____, _____ and evil in a dream." I have no idea what the first 2 blanks are but it was some crazy dream and I just wish I could remember it!  I've also been having strange dreams about having to go to the bathroom in random stores and churches and then being in the most messed up bathrooms ever. It's actually kind of funny. I wish I had been writing them down all along cause it has been the best 3 weeks of dreams yet lol

I sat with my psychiatrist on Monday and cried about how I feel like the worlds worst mother and how I feel like I've totally screwed up. 

She has decided to add a third drug to my daily regimen to see of that helps control the mood swings. I sure hope it helps, I'm tired of feeling so lousy. 

Yesterday was such a good day with Grace, she was polite and well behaved, and we had such an amazing day that I thought maybe, just maybe I'm not awful and haven't screwed up. Then today I tried to take her to Kmart so we could buy Scott a new shirt for his interviews tomorrow, and she just refused to listen, so I put her in the carriage, where she proceeded to scream and cry, and hit a few times. I took her out of the store and gave her a time out. She settled down until she realized Scott was done shopping and it was time to leave. I got her settled in the carriage and went into the grocery section. When she was settled and listening I let her out to walk, then she threw a fit over marshmallows, she wanted a giant bag of mini marshmallows and we said no cause they'd go to waste and we told her she could have the smaller bag of big marshmallows. Cue another breakdown. And she continued throughout the store, all the way home. And her tantrum varied from marshmallows to video games back to marshmallows and so on. Everyone at the store looked at us as if I was trying to kill her. Now I'm back to feeling like a screw up. 

My appointment with the neurosurgeons has been pushed off a week. But that's okay cause Scott has 2 interviews tomorrow so it makes the day not so long for Grace. 

I really hope he gets offered something soon. I'm trying to have hope, seeing as this is his first set of interviews since November, but I am Laurie, and Laurie doesn't have good luck usually

If I screwed up with her this bad, how will I ever make it through the teen years?

If I knew I'd get pregnant and become such a screw up of a mom, maybe I would have still practiced birth control after the doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant. Maybe I wouldn't have prayed so hard for a child of my own, just one.  All I wanted was to experience pregnancy (which I didn't even really get that) and the joy of my own child.  No signs, no symptoms, not even a belly. Had I of known my easy pregnancy would mean I'd be a screw up of a mother, I'm not sure if I'd do it again. Yeah, okay, I would do it again, but that's only cause now that she's in my life I can't dream of my life without her. I can't remember my life before her. 

I love my daughter more than life itself and I'd glady die for her if it was necessary, but everyone just has an opinion on what I've done wrong. I need hear that I'm a good mother and I'm raising her just fine. The only people that ever tell me that are people that aren't in our lives (except for playdates every so often). 

So please world, if you have anything nice to say, I'd like to hear that, cause I'm really starting to question myself on being a mother. I'm starting to think that maybe God made a mistake when he let me have my girl. 

I am the worst mother ever

I'm not sure exactly where I went wrong, or how, but everyone keeps telling me that I need to either A.) be tougher on Grace, B.) teach her to play by herself or C.) that she's too spoiled. 

I don't know how I can be tougher on her. I take away privileges (like games, toys, ect), I do time outs and I've even spanked her a few times. And how can I teach her to play by herself more? She plays by herself a lot. I think that's part of the problem. When she does have someone interact with her she goes nuts.  Like her uncle, he never tells her no and gives in to her all the time, so of course she's going to search him out all the time. He's awesome with her but he needs to say no more often. 

But of course it is my fault. She's my daughter. I took the easy way out when it came to parenting. I can blame cancer and chemo all I want, I can blame my exhaustion, or my absence, but the truth is I was lazy.  And weak. I didn't put her in the crib to cry it out, I just let her sleep with me. It was easier, her crib was in my room (I had no where else to put it), it gave me a more restful sleep because she wasn't crying all the time at night. We all got more sleep. 

I mean seriously, I fucked up so badly with this kid, why should I be given a second chance? Everyone always has something to say, so maybe it's true, maybe I'm doing something wrong. 

She says long goodbyes, likes to wave out the window, tell us over and over again she loves us and will miss us. She has a hard time settling down at night without us in the room with her. That's probably because I took the easy way out and had always stayed with her until she was asleep. 

So if I'm always being told I need to fix something, and how to do it, how am I to ever feel like a competent parent? It's no wonder I feel like I'm such an awful mother, and don't deserve another child. 

Grace cracks me up. This is an actual conversation yesterday

Grace: momma, if you were a fish I'd catch you then I'd eat you all up

Me: well then I couldn't be your mommy if you ate me, so who would your mommy be?

Grace: nana can be my mom!

Me: no, nana's your nana, she can't be your mom

Grace: I know! Amy can be my mom!

A bit of background. Grace has spent the past school year becoming friends with this girl Sophia, and being the good mom I am, and Sophia having the good mom she does, the girls have had a few play dates. Which means I've spent lots of time getting to know Sophia's mom, Amy. Amy is pretty kick ass, and really, after being at her house, what 4 year old wouldn't want to live there? So I guess to Grace she makes a pretty logical next choice hehe

Another good conversation with Grace 

Me: Grace what do you want for lunch?

Grace: pizza!

Me: I don't have the stuff to make pizza, so choose something else

Grace: dominos delivers pizza 

That's my smartass hehe

We occasionally read chapter books, and Grace calls them "chapsters" instead of chapters. 

And when we play Mario, or she's looking for her stuffed "friend" she'll calls Yoshi, Oshi instead

I really wish I had written down more of the funny day to day parts of our life. 

Like how she calls her vitamins, pills (and feels so grownup taking medicine like her mama), how she holds both mine and Scott's hand and wants to jump over all the cracks and lines in the parking lot. 

If only I could convey in words how my heart melts everytime she looks at me, or holds my hand. 

The other night, it was near 10pm and she was still awake and was doing everything possible to stay up later, which meant getting up to go the bathroom a dozen times, talking, requesting help with one thing or another, etc, and I kept getting frustrated and ended yelling a few times. Well, she suddenly gets up again and I yelled "Grace Anne, lay your butt down and go to sleep!" and she looks up at me with those big hazel eyes and says "I just want to give you a hug". As she snuggled into me she said "please stop yelling at me momma". At the moment it broke my heart and I snuggled her closer and said "if you'd just listen the first 10 times I spoke I wouldn't have yelled. Now please let's just get some sleep". And sure enough she went off to sleep. 

While drawing a picture for her auntie Robin, she was drawing herself and she drew a big circle then drew a small circle and said "I drew a small circle cause I have a small head, auntie Robin has a big head though"

She's my princess. And I hope she realizes how incomplete my world would be without her. And I hope someday she gets to experience the kind of love a mother has for her child, because then I'll know she finally understands how your world can suddenly seem so incomplete before.

 In all honesty,I loved her 5 years before she was born. When all I had was the clinging hope that the little girl in my dream would be a reality. And beautiful blonde curls and all she is. She is everything I dreamed of that night so very long ago. I'm just glad she picked me to be her mama

Some new Grace-isims:

Grace: can I come in your bed

Me: sure baby

Grace: ok I'll be right there, as soon as you let me rest some more

Grace: where's the o? (referring to the spelling of our last name)

Me: how do you know there's an o?

Grace: cause it came from my brain

Whispering while falling asleep one night: she whispered about going somewhere with Austin and ally (popular kids show) and that Austin had to drive and ally had to sit in back 

You have to stop the blood so it can make your brain light up and your feet can dance 

Have any of you seen repo men, the rock opera? There's a song at the end and a part of it makes me a bit sad. Its a daughter and father singing to each other as the father is dying. It says:

Sometimes I wanted to cry
when the people on TV were not quite the way we were
somehow I guess I just knew.
But I didn't know I'd love you so much
I didn't know I'd love you so much
I didn't know I'd love you so much
but I do.


And really it hits a spot with me. I used to wish that I had a "tv" family, that my dad was normal and loving. I used to say (as a teenager) that I hated him, and my mom used to tell me I'd be the one who was the saddest and regret the most. I always told her no I'd be glad he was gone.

It took my dad dying for me to realize how much I loved him. And out of all my siblings, I really think that maybe, just maybe I do regret the most.

But you know what I've learned as I've gotten older? All my misery wasn't from him. Yeah, he could be an ass, but I could be an even bigger ass the other times. Sometimes I think that if maybe I had worked on taking my meds and getting myself stabilized that maybe we could of had some nice times together.

Be well

Oh no! It's started! Grace has asked for a brother or sister (although lasts nights request was for a brother AND a sister lol). I'm in trouble. If its already begun then how do I put her off for at least another 2 years? I was hoping we wouldn't hit this phase until she was at least 5!

Before I go into my next rant about Medicare, I actually want to say a brief "thanks for screwing up." Had I not of had all the issues with them that I did, I would have been at the Brigham and Women's Hospital all day on Monday. I was supposed I have blood work done at 9, and then a doctor visit at 3. Meaning I would have been stuck there during the lock down after the bombs went off at the marathon. So because of the screw up with Medicare and not knowing if I had coverage yet, I cancelled the appointments.

Now my rant. I applied in JANUARY for coverage to start ASAP. So of course they thought I wanted general enrollment and my coverage to start in July. After taking time out of my day last week and having a brief melt down in the social security office they re-submitted my application and sent me off with the hopes of having my coverage being retroactive from January on. Giving me hope that the 20k in hospital bills (because I was told I had coverage - and they failed to say starting in July) would be covered. Well fast forward to today and I get a phone call from my local social security office. He tells me they won't cover January through March but I have coverage starting April first on. So now guess who's stuck with more than 20k in hospital bills?!? Oh yeah, that would be me. Thanks medicare!

Having a conversation about death and electrical sockets with your 3 year old is not one you ever expect to have, generally you expect to talk about how they are dangerous, but that is exactly just what happened this afternoon.

Grace (pointing to electrical outlet: mommy what's that?
Me: that's an electrical outlet, and you should never, ever touch one. You could be very badly hurt and need to go to the hospital, or even die.
Grace: and go to heaven?
Me: yea and go to heaven
Grace: like Grandpa did?
Me: yea like Grandpa.
Grace: Grandpa can never come back again, isn't that right mommy?
Me: I know baby
Grace: I don't want to die and go to heaven and never come back
Me: I don't want you to either, so never touch those.

And that was how I knew my daughter had a better understanding about death and heaven than I ever thought or realized.

She broke my heart with those simple words of "I don't want to die and go to heaven and never come back." It also broke my heart to realize that she understood death more than most 8 year olds, maybe even most 10 year olds.

My 3 year old has experienced the death of her great grandfather when she was 15 months old, and then her grandfather when she was just 3 and a half, she has also said goodbye to a cat she had her whole life and a fish. And while I know she doesn't really, truly remember her great grandfather, she does remember who he is when she sees his pictures.

She even still asks about our cat Bear all the time.

She talks about how she misses her grandfather a lot. She even still talks about how he can't come home anymore.

God damnit! Fucking Medicare and mass health both fucking suck!!

Mass health more though with their fucking "we can't guarantee it will be retroactive" bullshit! So I should sit here for the 3rd week in a row and listen to my daughter cough up a lung because of their fucking clerical error? I took her to the doctor once and they gave me a line of "it's just a cold". So why then for the next two days did she run 103 and 104 (damn near hit 105 one time) temps for "just a cold? Thank God it didn't continue after the second day, and that they didn't hit 104 again or else we would have been in Boston at children's hospital. I'd take her back in to the doctor but, even with expedited, we won't have her mass health back until sometime after the next 48-72 hours!! So fuck you mass health!!

And Medicare you rat bastards! I jump through fucking hoops to get coverage and they put it through as general enrollment?!?! Why the fuck would I apply under special circumstance's if I wanted fucking general enrollment!!! So now I have to take time out of my day tomorrow to bring in a form I already sent in with my first application so they can tell me whether or not they'll cover retroactively. In disabled damn it! I need healthcare! I can't be waiting until July for my coverage to start!

Grrrr this is sooo aggravating! Health care sucks and I wish I didn't need it! I'm so tired of jumping through hoops for this shit.

Having a really hard time tonight. I just have a bad case of a broken heart. I was goofing around with music on YouTube and I found the song that I danced to with my father at my wedding. My heart sunk as the tears sprang to my eyes.

I just miss him so much more than I ever thought I would. I wasn't ready for him to die. I didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him I loved him or even tell him I'm sorry for all the awful hurtful things I've said to him over the years. I was an awful teenager and I used to fight with him all the time. The truth is though, I was definitely a daddy's girl. I miss him and I hate thinking about him because it hurts so much right now.

He was just supposed to come home


I realize I never updated about my scans and what not. So far everything on the MRI's and CT's are still clean. Blood work, however, shows a non cancerous micro tumor on my pituitary gland. I go see an endocrinologist in a couple weeks to find out what happens next. Everything I've been reading shows that I'll have to take a pill to shrink it. Not big enough to require surgery or radiation, so just a pill. Maybe another MRI. But that's easy.

I've dropped 40lbs so far and still loosing more. I'm kind of proud of that

I'm tired of having to rely on medicine to feel better. I'm hating the person I've become and I can blame cancer all I want for some of it, okay most of it, but I gotta figure out how to make things better, how to be better.

I miss you daddy, hope you're okay now

I feel so dizzy and sick right now the whole world is spinning and my hands are shaky.

I was going to update tonight about everything but I just can't right now. I'll try again tomorrow

Sometimes I feel hated by the ones I love most… And when I try talking to them about it they say they don't…. So them I'm left feeling crazy… I'm about ready to give up…

Rant warning

God damn it Medicare!!!! I wish I didn't need you, but seriously making me wait FIVE more fucking months for coverage?!?! What the fuck am I supposed to do about all these important scans I'm supposed to have (which by the way I rescheduled once from February to march). Now I'm supposed to reschedule to after July?!?! That will make it ONE year since my last scan!! ONE year!!!! Cause really in all honesty I can NOT afford to pay 360$ a month for commonwealth care for the next five months!!! 1800 fucking dollars for FIVE months of coverage, are you going to reimburse me for all the fucking money I have to spend for coverage until July??!! Fuck you government!!! I'm moving to Canada and getting me some free health care! This is fucking bullshit! I've jumped through hoops since December for coverage and now I'm being told "fill out this form, mail it back and coverage will start July 1st". So why the hell have I jumped through all these damn hoops to do "special enrollment" if they were just going to make me wait until July for coverage during open enrollment. How they hell does that help a person who jumped through hoops a few months ago? Fuck you!!!!!!!!




UPDATE
I have since called Medicare, which is a dead end, who told me to call social security. And so I made the other call to social security and was told my application was processed and I should have my new cards in 1-2 weeks from the 12th. So yippee! I have coverage. Now the question remains, do I still fill out the open enrollment forms or do I not? Maybe I'll just call Medicare once all is said and done and I have my cards in hand.

I've been going through the stuff in the basement and getting rid of a lot of it. Now would be the time I end up with the ultimate surprise baby lol. But clutter drives me nuts and it IS quite crowded down there. So freecycle here I come!

Grace's bed has always been pushed up against mine, but yesterday I sat and talked with her and first asked her if she would be okay with me moving her bed. Then she and I moved it. It's only like 6 feet away but it's a start. Billy's moving to the basement (reasons #2 for cleanup) and I'm, at first going to make his current room into a playroom (wait, omg you mean my living room will no longer be taken over by toys?!) and then at some point I will put her bed in there and she can have her own room. It's probably going to be a slow process but I'm hopeful it'll go well. Grace has finally getting into the whole hair thing. She loves it now. She asks for me to do it every day. This is one excited momma.

It's been over a month since my dad died. And my heart still doesn't believe what my head knows, that he's never coming home. I half expect him to come walking through the front door, with a bag of groceries on his arm, then sit and look over the receipt. Not sure when my heart will finally understand why it's broken.

I am still working out and loosing weight. I seriously can't die like my father did. I don't want to get huge (or in my case stay huge) and hurt my family the way he has. I love him but I definitely don't want to be him.

It's a little sad that I used to weigh soooo much. I mean I still weigh a lot (and god forgive me cause I'm about to reveal something soooo embarrassing for me) but I've lost 10%of my body weight so far (and if you have been paying attention you now know how much i weighed 7 months ago) and I can honestly tell you that I really am starting to feel better. I am super proud of myself and all the hard work I've done to loose that much. It's quite an accomplishment for me. I don't think I've ever worked this hard to loose weight. I don't think I ever tried to loose weight really.

Where did my baby go? Who is this big girl standing in front of me? We're letting her bangs grow out and she looks so much older now! I'm not sure where the time has gone!

Bought a new bra today, well 2, for the first time in forever! Had to, my beloved favorite bra met with its end. The wire kept breaking through, I'd repair the hole and it would last a few more months then pop through again. I was laying down with Grace getting her to bed a few nights ago and my boob hurt soooo bad I felt like crying. After she was asleep, I stood up and realized the wire had popped out again and was almost all the way around my boob! So I had to throw it out, my one light colored bra, my favorite bra had met its end. So off to the store I went to buy a new one (or as it was 2, thanks to a sale 😄). And now I think I may have a new favorite.

Scott got me a pair of earrings for Valentines day. I love them. We gave Grace a small gift as well. Mom gave her a singing, dancing doll. All in all it's been a good day. We spent a quite evening at home. I can't stand trying to go out to eat on Valentines day, too many people out there!

Holy fucking breakdown!!

I was in the shower this morning (I'll pause for a bit while you get THAT image out of your head lol) and my theme song came on, Faith of the Heart. Boy did that set off the water works. My father was one of three people who thought every clean scan milestone was a reason to celebrate with a party of some sort (Scott and I are the other two). And it hit me, I have scans next month and he's not here. Who the hell is going to want to throw a party with me now? Faith of the Heart will never be the same for me again. What's 3 years going to mean now? I'm not sure anymore…

Grace had her valentines day party at school. I'm so glad she was feeling a bit better and could go! I knew she'd be disappointed if she had to miss it. Got Grace a little gift for valentines day, can not wait to give it to her. I love her excitement for every thing!

Well it's late and I'm off. Goodnight all

Grace has been sick the past few days (again?), coughing so hard sometimes she throws up. So you know what that means? It means this mama has been in bed with her, and not getting to work out. Can I tell you how gross I feel? Yea disgustingly gross. Last night I didn't get her to fall asleep until after 1130! Dear lord I was wiped out before she was. And guess who was up coughing at 9am? Oh yea she was! But that was a good thing because I forgot she had a dentist appointment at noon today, so we rushed like hell to get ready and get out of the house on time. Guess who was early by 15 minutes? Yup fun stuff. But we were told she had fantastic teeth and to keep up the good work.

I'm exhausted! Last night was the first night where I got to sleep a 9 hour stretch. Thank you humidifier! Every other night I've been up every couple hours, and the whole going to bed after midnight and waking up at 9 isn't sitting well either. Hopefully we're at the end of all this sickness. I'm so tired of the whole house being sick. After I'm done at the laundromat I'm heading to a store to buy stuff to disinfect my whole house! Oh, why am I at the laundromat, you ask? Oh because the washing machine at home picked NOW to break down. Yup, now, when I need to wash sheets and blankets because they've been thrown up on. Good times, good times. Oh well!

So I've got a picture Grace took of me (full body) at my weight 11 (now 12 lol) pounds ago, so I took another one today. I figure if I take a picture every 10 pounds it'll make a good post someday about my journey to healthy lol.

I'm still missing my dad so much. My heart feels split into a million pieces and I don't know how to put it back together. It still feels weird being in my mothers living room without him in his chair. And the dining table still feels empty. I wonder when these feelings will end…

I love watching the numbers on the scale drop. I honestly am so mad at myself for allowing myself to gain so much weight after chemo ended. Had I of just started walking back then I could probably be at my target weight by now and quite happy and healthy. But nope not me. After 8 months of not being able to eat I went on a binge and ate everything in sight, for 2 years. So now I've blown up to larger than my pre-pregnancy weight and quite honestly was heading towards being my fathers weight at his largest. Had I not of been so mortified to see those numbers on the scale I probably would have eaten myself to a very young death. I would have let food do to me what I fought so hard against with the cancer. So I dropped 20 pounds and then stopped. As long as the numbers on the scale stayed below a certain number I was fine. But you know what, I wasn't fine. I was miserable. I didn't have energy to play with my kid, I ate junk all the time (and sometimes even secretly binged!) and I hated myself. Now I see the numbers dropping and I'm so happy! I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight (my first mini goal hehe) and I've got more energy. It's improving my time with Grace and my ability to do more things. While I still hate my body and will continue to work on improving it, I'm hoping to improve a lot more of my relationships and fix things that are broken. I jumped the other day, literally and seriously jumped, off the ground, outside! We were going to buy Grace snow boats before the blizzard hit and she was holding my hand and Scott's hand in the parking lot and using them to jump off the ground. Scott told her to stop and I looked at her, smiled and jumped off the ground, twice! I haven't jumped in forever cause I wasn't sure I could! To do that was awesome. I'm totally buying a jump rope this spring hehe. My brother in law gave (gifted?) me his exercise bike and I can't wait to find a spot for it and to start using that. I haven't been on a real bike since I was a kid cause I've always been afraid I was too fat for them, now I'm going to loose all this weight and buy one as my present for hitting my big last goal weight (will give me time to save up for it too lol). So I'm loving me and improving me for the first time in years, and this time I mean business! I can't be fat and useless anymore. I don't want to die before I've lived so it's time to start living and to do that I need to fix me! I want to go to a theme park without fear of being too big for the rides (happened to my dad once at a roller coaster and I had to ride with strangers). But watch out world! Here I come and I plan on making it a better me that's coming!!

All total I've lost 31 pounds. Since my dad died its been 11 pounds. Wish me luck world cause I've got a lot more to go!

I was able to expand my wardrobe this morning just by pulling out and trying on some of my slightly smaller clothes, and surprise! They fit! Well not all of them but most! I was soooo proud I was bursting with excitement to tell anyone nearby, hehe!

Be well all

I miss you Daddy

I must say all this exercise feels so much more right than any pigging out of junk food ever has. It's working out so many more emotions and not just hiding them under piles of food. I just feel so different and more alive than I have in a long time. Oh and have I mentioned my absolute LOVE of the fiber one brownies? Seriously best treat ever! I just owe it to Scott and Grace, and seriously to myself to be a better me. I want to be healthier and more active. And I can't do that by sitting on the couch watching tv, but I can do it by being on my machine and watching tv lol.

Big snow storm blowing in today, tonight and tomorrow. Glad I have my hot cocoa supplies and the perfect little cuddle buddy ever. It's a shame she's got a bit of a cold, but it hasn't made her any less of a spit fire than she usually is.

I miss my daddy… He was supposed to come home…

I'm trying to loose myself to exercise, not food, this time around. I figure food has never gotten me anywhere except to fat so I'm going down a new road.

I think I need to take a break from a few things in my life, Facebook being the first thing… so in essence, I'm running away!

Grace was talking the other day about how her nana was my mom, but I didn't have a dad anymore because grandpa died. And that's how she said it. "you don't have a dad anymore cause Grandpa died". I about fell over, and I was so glad she couldn't see the tears that statement brought because I know she wasn't being mean, just stating facts. My daddy loved her, and she in turn adored him. She'd often tease him when he asked for a kiss and she'd move to give him one, get real close then run off giggling. Such a punk, but she'd usually come back later and give him one. He'd often tell her how much he loved her, all his grandkids, and he'd watch her dance and twirl for everyone. They had a bond most kids don't get with their grandparents. I'm just super sad he won't see her grow up.

I was horrified before the memorial that I could only remember one good memory of my dad, but as the days have worn on I've remembered a few more. My dad used to always tell me we'd run away together, and ride all the roller coasters of the world, and sometimes we'd sit in the kitchen for hours playing rummy, he also taught me how to drive a car when I was 16. My dad was a different person when he was away from the house, and you had him to yourself, which was hard to do sometimes because he had 9 kids. But I can remember going to yard sales with him, and the times I'd go grocery shopping with him and he'd let me get a special snack. We shared a love for cadbury creme eggs, and fire works. And even as I became an adult, he'd occasionally splurge and buy me Land O'lakes yellow American cheese and ibc root beer, 2 things I enjoyed. I was definitely daddy's little girl. When I lost my hair cause of chemo, he was right there with my brothers, to shave our heads to make me feel so not alone. Yup, my daddy definitely loved me.

But, did he know how much I loved him? Since I was 12, so 17 long years, every time he told me he loved me, I'd smile at him and say "I know". And now he's gone and I can never tell him that I truly loved him. My daddy died and I'm not sure he knew that I loved him. It's a regret I now have to live with the rest of my life. And I'm truly sorry I never told him. And boy does this one hurt. It's a heartache that I'm not sure how to heal. Will it even heal? Ever?

I keep waiting for him to come home from the hospital. That's all this was supposed to be, a one week stint in the hospital and then to a nursing for a few weeks and then home, good as new. So somebody please tell my heart what my head already knows, my daddy's dead and he's never coming home again. But I just want him back, he's supposed to be sitting in his chair watching his damn game shows that we all hated. But I'd take all that noise again, I really would, if it means I could have him back for just one more day.

I have nightmares every night now, about the special people in my life dying. I can't sleep without being plagued with death, or tortured about my dad. He'll be right there, just out of reach and the more I run to him the further he gets. I can never seem to reach him.

Why didn't he care enough about any of us to fight his damn food addiction? Didn't he love us enough to take care of himself to want to stay? God damn him and his stupid love of food!! Why was food more important than his family? I wonder if this is how a drug addicts family feels after a death.

I miss my daddy and I just want him back. Can someone please bring him back for me? Just tell me this past month has been a nightmare and he's still with me. Please wake me up so I can see him again.

I'm just so heartbroken right now…

I never get sick! Well aside from the whole cancer thing, but seriously I just don't get sick. Scott gets every little cold, flu or anything that comes his way. So please someone explain to me why we both got the flu at the same time and I'm still a disgustingly coughing, messed up voice, sniffling, blowing my nose wreck and he's already on the mend? I'm so frustrated with how disgusting I feel and how I just have no energy to do anything anymore. Where is my damn approval from Medicare when I need it?

If I don't get that approval soon I'm going to have to postpone my scans…. Something I don't really want to do but just might have to…

In other news Grace just had progress reports done at school and I couldn't be anymore proud of my girl if I tried! She's doing so well at school and they had such nice things to say about her. Yup I am one proud momma!

Now I just need to get better!

Sometimes I just miss my dad so much and I'm not sure what triggers it. Can someone please tell me if it gets better?

Why the hell is it so difficult to deal with Medicare?!!! They are making my life hell with jumping through hoops trying to get coverage. A, B and D?!? Really??? Can't they just put it all under one plan???

I've got A which is hospital stays, D which is prescription coverage and I'm struggling to get B which is regular medical stuff!!! Seriously ticks me off!

And why do I even have to go through an application process now, when just 6 months ago they offered it to me and I declined it because I had other insurance. Now during open enrollment they make me apply? Jesus Christ!

My daddy died last night.

Everything I was writing before he died seems so trivial and stupid now.

I miss my daddy.

That's all.