Can't sleep clown will eat me

Can't sleep clown will eat me

Can't sleep clown will eat me

Ok so that's not true, but I still can't sleep. And that's not good because we have 2 birthday parties to go to today. 

Speaking of, I've got Grace's planned out, now just to shop, my favorite part hehe.

Pain is horrible, and it's worse when I put pressure on my head, so laying down sucks. So I get very little sleep. Is it July 31st yet? 

Grace misses her little friends from school, and I'm feeling like the social outcast because no one talks to me anymore. I've tried setting up play dates with the few moms I know how to contact but all I get is excuses.  

Scott has another phone interview tomorrow, with the company he face to face interviewed with, this time with the vp. I'm hopeful for an offer soon. 

Ouch…

I burned my finger with the hot glue gun tonight

Ouch…

I think I'll skip tomorrow nights use of it. Unless the Elmo ribbon comes in lol. 

Better be more careful I guess hehe

12-18 years ago I used to sit and write poems all day. My grandfather thought I'd really go somewhere with it. But when I turned 18 the ability to write seemed to drain right out of me. This morning I woke up at 4am and suddenly inspiration hit and I wrote and I wrote, until it seemed to end on its own. And let me say it felt great to write again. I hope it wasn't just a fluke because it was awesome. I'm a bit rusty but here it is for your reading pleasure:

Dad,

As a child I adored you, 

As a teen I hated you, 

As an adult I loved you, 

Now you're gone I miss you. 

I spent so much time angry,

Too much time on blame.

I blamed you for my problems,

When we were one in the same.

You can't glue back a broken heart,

For there is no repair.

No glue that is strong enough,

To make the break not there.

There is no way to get you back,

Or to ever go and see you.

Everyone you left behind,

Still really misses you.

Sometimes the storm starts,

And you have to let the tears fall.

Can you hear me when I talk?

Is this a one way call?

I miss all your singing,

The talking, and all you'd say.

I even miss the game shows,

You'd watch throughout the day.

I guess I better go now,

Even though there's much to say,

I don't think you'd want to

Listen to me talk all day

Another restless night, awake early again. This is getting old - fast. Is it July 31 yet? I can't wait to try the lidocaine infusion. I need relief. 

I planned Graces party, and what her cake will look like. Now I just need to shop, clean, and buy a couple presents. I'm very excited. Grace has a very short wish list so far, monster high books and a hula hoop (or in her words a hula loopster).

Scott had another phone interview yesterday. I've got my fingers crossed that something comes from all these interviews. 

I woke up, yesterday, with a start wondering what time it was, if I slept through my alarm and then searching for my phone to find out. I tossed about and searched my bed (where my phone usually is cause I fall asleep reading on it) only to find it on my vanity, next to my necklace. The necklace I never take off. I was beyond confused about it. Scott says he didn't take it off, and I really don't recall taking it off, so yea…

Went off to the brigham to meet with a neurosurgeon. Wait 3 long hours to meet with him and learn earlier diagnosis of trigeminal neuralgia is wrong, I have occipital neuralgia, and he doesn't work with the occipital nerve. But he talked about the different things that could be done, and told us who to see. First step is back to the pain clinic for a lidocaine infusion, and to have an appointment possibly scheduled with the other surgeon. 

(written on 6-20)

Grace has been on an inhaler for like 2-3 weeks now. When she got sick back in January she had a cough she couldn't shake. So I took her in and they gave us an inhaler. It seems to be working a lot so that's good. My SIL thinks I should have her tested for allergies, but if te inhaler is helping should I put her through all the testing?  I gotta call her doctor tomorrow for a follow up and see what he thinks. 

More cute quotes from Grace;

A few weeks ago Scott got a text message. I looked at him and asked who it was and he said Billy. Grace rolled her eyes and said "where does he want to go now?"

Wow last nights dream was about chipmunks and baby squirrels living in the house! Too nuts!

We actually did have a baby squirrel in the house, about a month or so ago. Got stuck inside our basement and couldn't figure a way out. Scott caught him and we brought him outside. Now we see him hanging around near the house all the time hehe. He was so little and cute. 

These dreams are pretty messed up. 

I'm going to start writing them down here everytime I wake up from one. They are just that strange

Oh daddy, it's fathers day and no amount of sticking my head in the sand could make that change, or allow me to hide. I couldn't even buy cards for my brothers, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how much I wanted to, because the uncle cards were placed next to the grandpa cards and on the other side was the dad cards. I would cry everytime I tried because I just wanted to be buying you one. It just hurt too much to even be near the cards. 

Grace misses you tons too. She talks about how you're in heaven and that she wants you to come home now, but I keep telling her you can't come back now, that once you go to heaven you probably don't want to come back anymore. Because once you get there it's so beautiful and you are finally free from all the pain that you were experiencing while you were alive. And really as much as you loved all us, why would you want to come back?

I would almost rather be angry than sad because sad hurts too much. It just plain sucks because I hate wanting to cry. Specially as much as I have since you died. 

And poor, sweet Scott has been ignored today, and has taken it with grace and dealt with it. And he's such a good father, and a good husband. I'm lucky and Grace is lucky, 

I've been having a lot of dreams about slot machines lately. Usually involves me being at foxwoods and playing on the 1$ slots but I win tons. At least my dreams are kind to me. Yup, Still having strange dreams lately lol

Psychiatrist put me on another med this past week. So that makes a total of 3 now. I'm hoping it helps. I'm tired of feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster. The ups and downs are killing me and making me feel awful about myself and my ability to function in society. I hate questioning myself all the time

I miss you daddy. I can't believe tomorrows fathers day and I won't see you. I just want to cry. It feels so strange not having you here with us. I'm not sure I even want to awknowledge that it's fathers day. It would be easier to stay in bed all day. This just plain sucks

I've been having strange dreams lately. Like wake up and go "what the heck was that about!". I remember waking up early this morning and saying "leave it to me to combine _____, _____ and evil in a dream." I have no idea what the first 2 blanks are but it was some crazy dream and I just wish I could remember it!  I've also been having strange dreams about having to go to the bathroom in random stores and churches and then being in the most messed up bathrooms ever. It's actually kind of funny. I wish I had been writing them down all along cause it has been the best 3 weeks of dreams yet lol

I sat with my psychiatrist on Monday and cried about how I feel like the worlds worst mother and how I feel like I've totally screwed up. 

She has decided to add a third drug to my daily regimen to see of that helps control the mood swings. I sure hope it helps, I'm tired of feeling so lousy. 

Yesterday was such a good day with Grace, she was polite and well behaved, and we had such an amazing day that I thought maybe, just maybe I'm not awful and haven't screwed up. Then today I tried to take her to Kmart so we could buy Scott a new shirt for his interviews tomorrow, and she just refused to listen, so I put her in the carriage, where she proceeded to scream and cry, and hit a few times. I took her out of the store and gave her a time out. She settled down until she realized Scott was done shopping and it was time to leave. I got her settled in the carriage and went into the grocery section. When she was settled and listening I let her out to walk, then she threw a fit over marshmallows, she wanted a giant bag of mini marshmallows and we said no cause they'd go to waste and we told her she could have the smaller bag of big marshmallows. Cue another breakdown. And she continued throughout the store, all the way home. And her tantrum varied from marshmallows to video games back to marshmallows and so on. Everyone at the store looked at us as if I was trying to kill her. Now I'm back to feeling like a screw up. 

My appointment with the neurosurgeons has been pushed off a week. But that's okay cause Scott has 2 interviews tomorrow so it makes the day not so long for Grace. 

I really hope he gets offered something soon. I'm trying to have hope, seeing as this is his first set of interviews since November, but I am Laurie, and Laurie doesn't have good luck usually

If I screwed up with her this bad, how will I ever make it through the teen years?

If I knew I'd get pregnant and become such a screw up of a mom, maybe I would have still practiced birth control after the doctors told me I couldn't get pregnant. Maybe I wouldn't have prayed so hard for a child of my own, just one.  All I wanted was to experience pregnancy (which I didn't even really get that) and the joy of my own child.  No signs, no symptoms, not even a belly. Had I of known my easy pregnancy would mean I'd be a screw up of a mother, I'm not sure if I'd do it again. Yeah, okay, I would do it again, but that's only cause now that she's in my life I can't dream of my life without her. I can't remember my life before her. 

I love my daughter more than life itself and I'd glady die for her if it was necessary, but everyone just has an opinion on what I've done wrong. I need hear that I'm a good mother and I'm raising her just fine. The only people that ever tell me that are people that aren't in our lives (except for playdates every so often). 

So please world, if you have anything nice to say, I'd like to hear that, cause I'm really starting to question myself on being a mother. I'm starting to think that maybe God made a mistake when he let me have my girl. 

I am the worst mother ever

I'm not sure exactly where I went wrong, or how, but everyone keeps telling me that I need to either A.) be tougher on Grace, B.) teach her to play by herself or C.) that she's too spoiled. 

I don't know how I can be tougher on her. I take away privileges (like games, toys, ect), I do time outs and I've even spanked her a few times. And how can I teach her to play by herself more? She plays by herself a lot. I think that's part of the problem. When she does have someone interact with her she goes nuts.  Like her uncle, he never tells her no and gives in to her all the time, so of course she's going to search him out all the time. He's awesome with her but he needs to say no more often. 

But of course it is my fault. She's my daughter. I took the easy way out when it came to parenting. I can blame cancer and chemo all I want, I can blame my exhaustion, or my absence, but the truth is I was lazy.  And weak. I didn't put her in the crib to cry it out, I just let her sleep with me. It was easier, her crib was in my room (I had no where else to put it), it gave me a more restful sleep because she wasn't crying all the time at night. We all got more sleep. 

I mean seriously, I fucked up so badly with this kid, why should I be given a second chance? Everyone always has something to say, so maybe it's true, maybe I'm doing something wrong. 

She says long goodbyes, likes to wave out the window, tell us over and over again she loves us and will miss us. She has a hard time settling down at night without us in the room with her. That's probably because I took the easy way out and had always stayed with her until she was asleep. 

So if I'm always being told I need to fix something, and how to do it, how am I to ever feel like a competent parent? It's no wonder I feel like I'm such an awful mother, and don't deserve another child.