Grace was talking the other day about how her nana was my mom, but I didn't have a dad anymore because grandpa died. And that's how she said it. "you don't have a dad anymore cause Grandpa died". I about fell over, and I was so glad she couldn't see the tears that statement brought because I know she wasn't being mean, just stating facts. My daddy loved her, and she in turn adored him. She'd often tease him when he asked for a kiss and she'd move to give him one, get real close then run off giggling. Such a punk, but she'd usually come back later and give him one. He'd often tell her how much he loved her, all his grandkids, and he'd watch her dance and twirl for everyone. They had a bond most kids don't get with their grandparents. I'm just super sad he won't see her grow up.

I was horrified before the memorial that I could only remember one good memory of my dad, but as the days have worn on I've remembered a few more. My dad used to always tell me we'd run away together, and ride all the roller coasters of the world, and sometimes we'd sit in the kitchen for hours playing rummy, he also taught me how to drive a car when I was 16. My dad was a different person when he was away from the house, and you had him to yourself, which was hard to do sometimes because he had 9 kids. But I can remember going to yard sales with him, and the times I'd go grocery shopping with him and he'd let me get a special snack. We shared a love for cadbury creme eggs, and fire works. And even as I became an adult, he'd occasionally splurge and buy me Land O'lakes yellow American cheese and ibc root beer, 2 things I enjoyed. I was definitely daddy's little girl. When I lost my hair cause of chemo, he was right there with my brothers, to shave our heads to make me feel so not alone. Yup, my daddy definitely loved me.

But, did he know how much I loved him? Since I was 12, so 17 long years, every time he told me he loved me, I'd smile at him and say "I know". And now he's gone and I can never tell him that I truly loved him. My daddy died and I'm not sure he knew that I loved him. It's a regret I now have to live with the rest of my life. And I'm truly sorry I never told him. And boy does this one hurt. It's a heartache that I'm not sure how to heal. Will it even heal? Ever?

I keep waiting for him to come home from the hospital. That's all this was supposed to be, a one week stint in the hospital and then to a nursing for a few weeks and then home, good as new. So somebody please tell my heart what my head already knows, my daddy's dead and he's never coming home again. But I just want him back, he's supposed to be sitting in his chair watching his damn game shows that we all hated. But I'd take all that noise again, I really would, if it means I could have him back for just one more day.

I have nightmares every night now, about the special people in my life dying. I can't sleep without being plagued with death, or tortured about my dad. He'll be right there, just out of reach and the more I run to him the further he gets. I can never seem to reach him.

Why didn't he care enough about any of us to fight his damn food addiction? Didn't he love us enough to take care of himself to want to stay? God damn him and his stupid love of food!! Why was food more important than his family? I wonder if this is how a drug addicts family feels after a death.

I miss my daddy and I just want him back. Can someone please bring him back for me? Just tell me this past month has been a nightmare and he's still with me. Please wake me up so I can see him again.

I'm just so heartbroken right now…

I never get sick! Well aside from the whole cancer thing, but seriously I just don't get sick. Scott gets every little cold, flu or anything that comes his way. So please someone explain to me why we both got the flu at the same time and I'm still a disgustingly coughing, messed up voice, sniffling, blowing my nose wreck and he's already on the mend? I'm so frustrated with how disgusting I feel and how I just have no energy to do anything anymore. Where is my damn approval from Medicare when I need it?

If I don't get that approval soon I'm going to have to postpone my scans…. Something I don't really want to do but just might have to…

In other news Grace just had progress reports done at school and I couldn't be anymore proud of my girl if I tried! She's doing so well at school and they had such nice things to say about her. Yup I am one proud momma!

Now I just need to get better!

Sometimes I just miss my dad so much and I'm not sure what triggers it. Can someone please tell me if it gets better?

Why the hell is it so difficult to deal with Medicare?!!! They are making my life hell with jumping through hoops trying to get coverage. A, B and D?!? Really??? Can't they just put it all under one plan???

I've got A which is hospital stays, D which is prescription coverage and I'm struggling to get B which is regular medical stuff!!! Seriously ticks me off!

And why do I even have to go through an application process now, when just 6 months ago they offered it to me and I declined it because I had other insurance. Now during open enrollment they make me apply? Jesus Christ!

My daddy died last night.

Everything I was writing before he died seems so trivial and stupid now.

I miss my daddy.

That's all.