Oh no! It's started! Grace has asked for a brother or sister (although lasts nights request was for a brother AND a sister lol). I'm in trouble. If its already begun then how do I put her off for at least another 2 years? I was hoping we wouldn't hit this phase until she was at least 5!

Before I go into my next rant about Medicare, I actually want to say a brief "thanks for screwing up." Had I not of had all the issues with them that I did, I would have been at the Brigham and Women's Hospital all day on Monday. I was supposed I have blood work done at 9, and then a doctor visit at 3. Meaning I would have been stuck there during the lock down after the bombs went off at the marathon. So because of the screw up with Medicare and not knowing if I had coverage yet, I cancelled the appointments.

Now my rant. I applied in JANUARY for coverage to start ASAP. So of course they thought I wanted general enrollment and my coverage to start in July. After taking time out of my day last week and having a brief melt down in the social security office they re-submitted my application and sent me off with the hopes of having my coverage being retroactive from January on. Giving me hope that the 20k in hospital bills (because I was told I had coverage - and they failed to say starting in July) would be covered. Well fast forward to today and I get a phone call from my local social security office. He tells me they won't cover January through March but I have coverage starting April first on. So now guess who's stuck with more than 20k in hospital bills?!? Oh yeah, that would be me. Thanks medicare!

Having a conversation about death and electrical sockets with your 3 year old is not one you ever expect to have, generally you expect to talk about how they are dangerous, but that is exactly just what happened this afternoon.

Grace (pointing to electrical outlet: mommy what's that?
Me: that's an electrical outlet, and you should never, ever touch one. You could be very badly hurt and need to go to the hospital, or even die.
Grace: and go to heaven?
Me: yea and go to heaven
Grace: like Grandpa did?
Me: yea like Grandpa.
Grace: Grandpa can never come back again, isn't that right mommy?
Me: I know baby
Grace: I don't want to die and go to heaven and never come back
Me: I don't want you to either, so never touch those.

And that was how I knew my daughter had a better understanding about death and heaven than I ever thought or realized.

She broke my heart with those simple words of "I don't want to die and go to heaven and never come back." It also broke my heart to realize that she understood death more than most 8 year olds, maybe even most 10 year olds.

My 3 year old has experienced the death of her great grandfather when she was 15 months old, and then her grandfather when she was just 3 and a half, she has also said goodbye to a cat she had her whole life and a fish. And while I know she doesn't really, truly remember her great grandfather, she does remember who he is when she sees his pictures.

She even still asks about our cat Bear all the time.

She talks about how she misses her grandfather a lot. She even still talks about how he can't come home anymore.

God damnit! Fucking Medicare and mass health both fucking suck!!

Mass health more though with their fucking "we can't guarantee it will be retroactive" bullshit! So I should sit here for the 3rd week in a row and listen to my daughter cough up a lung because of their fucking clerical error? I took her to the doctor once and they gave me a line of "it's just a cold". So why then for the next two days did she run 103 and 104 (damn near hit 105 one time) temps for "just a cold? Thank God it didn't continue after the second day, and that they didn't hit 104 again or else we would have been in Boston at children's hospital. I'd take her back in to the doctor but, even with expedited, we won't have her mass health back until sometime after the next 48-72 hours!! So fuck you mass health!!

And Medicare you rat bastards! I jump through fucking hoops to get coverage and they put it through as general enrollment?!?! Why the fuck would I apply under special circumstance's if I wanted fucking general enrollment!!! So now I have to take time out of my day tomorrow to bring in a form I already sent in with my first application so they can tell me whether or not they'll cover retroactively. In disabled damn it! I need healthcare! I can't be waiting until July for my coverage to start!

Grrrr this is sooo aggravating! Health care sucks and I wish I didn't need it! I'm so tired of jumping through hoops for this shit.