An ache

So today was the day of stress... I take my 2 year old into the grocery store with me, and at some point bout 5 minutes into our shopping trip, she keeps trying to eat the package of mozzarella cheese, yes the package, not the cheese.  While trying to get her to stop, I deleted my ENTIRE grocery list and menu plan for the next two weeks. Yes I am one of those fools who did it electronically and then paid the price for being distracted... Anyway, she then decides to THROW the package of cheese across the aisle.  This girl tried every last nerve in my body tonight.

My Grandfather stuck this on his desk..

But then at bedtime she said something that made my heart stop, and tears threaten to overflow from my eyes.  She couldn't find her picture of Bampa, 

yes this exact picture!

and she insisted she HAD to know where it was before bed, so we looked for it. When I handed it to her she kissed his face and said "night night Bampa, love you" and then looked at me and said "Mama, where'd Bampa go?" And I just stopped breathing for a minute, and my eyes filled up with tears, and I said "Bampa got really tired baby, and he had to go somewhere so he could rest. But he'll always be in your heart" and I pointed to her chest. She touched her chest, smiled and laid down. How else do you explain death to a 2 year old? I never expected to have to have this conversation with her, so I was really caught off guard by it.

My moms been on vacation this past week, and Grace asks for her daily. I just tell her that nana is on vacation and will be back soon. Tonight she was excited to know that Nana would be back for dinner tomorrow. I hope my mom knows what she's coming back to with that one lol.  I promised her a dinner of mussels in tomato broth and scallops wrapped in bacon, my first time cooking either of these things, hope I dont screw them up too much!

Be well

I get a little bit stronger...

I have no excuse for not writing lately. Really I don't.  My life is pretty boring, and I'm rather tired of hearing myself complain of the things that mean I'm still alive and healthy. 

My brother Glenn and his wife Kat had a beautiful baby girl in August,


He's such an amazing daddy, its so adorable.  I'm glad he's super happy right now (even if he's sleep deprived :-))


My brother Gregg and his wife Michele are expecting a baby girl, Haylee, in March.  I can't wait to meet her too




Grace continues to grow like a weed! She's super tall, and super smart. 

 She's also quite the little artist.

My life with her is so much fun and such a joy! We laugh a lot, and she's so sweet. 

She decided I needed to be decorated for halloween as well, so here's me, covered in stickers.


Which also grants you all an updated view of me.  My hairs getting longer, I just wish the curls would come back....

My next set of scans is set for October 25 and then I see my oncologist the following Tuesday for the results, I only hope I don't die from the suspense.  They are doing an MRI of my spine this time around because I have had constant backaches for a few months now.  Did I meantion I was tired of hearing me complain, well I am really.  I've given up complaining about things I can't change.  I'm just going to accept it and deal with it.  I'm also just going to try to accept whatever comes into my life and whatever trials I need to overcome. 

Can you believe I have a 2 year old?!?!?! But boy if you could hear her talk, and reason, and even bargain you wouldn't believe she's just 2! I swear sometimes I think she's going on 14 with the way she talks and acts!

Its been a year since my grandfather passed, I still miss him so much. The hurt is raw, like it just happened.  And Grace, she still talks to his picture, she KNOWS him, REMEMBERS him still! Its like she just saw him yesterday. She was only 15 months old when he died, how is it possible that she remembers him? I just wish she had more time with him, she adored him so much...




"Even on my weakest day, I get a little bit stronger..." - Sara Evans

Be well...

Oh wow...

Its amazing the connections we make with people in our lives. 

I was looking over old posts on facebook and stumbled across this one "My stomach is in knots and I've got a feeling of dread. Hoping its nothing but preparing myself mentally for the worst. Why can't life be simple???" on November 13, 2010, only to learn that my friend Maggie passed away November 16.  I walked around with my stomach in knots for weeks because Maggie wasn't answering my texts, or calls.  I feared the worst, but yet when I learned the truth, I was devastated.  To loose 2 precious people in just a few short weeks... I'm still trying to figure out how I ever managed to get up off my mothers couch and stop crying. 

I had the extreme honor and pleasure of attending the Saugus Firefighters Memorial on June 12, and I must say, I know my heart has healed a bit.  To see a town honor so many brave men and women, including my amazing Grandpa and not break down until I was in the car (and yes, set my GPS to take my past my Grandpa's old house - not that it even looks the same, unless you look at the garage lol).  But it wasn't a terribly big cry, it was a few tears and not out of sadness, but one of knowing that my daughter will always be told the stories of her Bampa and will remember him.  To this day she still recognizes him in pictures, pretty amazing for a 2 year old to do, considering he died when she was just 15 months old.  And no, we dont encourage her, she just knows.  Pretty amazing memory :-)

I also know that my heart is healing because on August 10 Maggie would have been 24, and I didn't cry.  Much... Okay just a few tears, but I wasn't sad, I was happy because I got to know Maggie, someone who I never would have known if our lives didn't cross in such a bizarre way! But because we were "rare" our doctor sought to have us meet! So yea, while my time with her was brief, and abruptly ended, it was definitely bitter sweet.

On a medical update, I've been put on a different med for pain, and my goodness, does this one work! My head hasn't felt this good in so long! I actually had the radio blasting while I was in the car alone this past week! I also had my 15 month scans and everything came back clean! So now I'm at 16 months and waiting for my next set of scans, but I can honestly say that I'm not worried anymore.  I know I'm strong and can handle anything, but more than that, I know I'm going to be just fine. Will I freak out closer to my next set of scans? Oh yeah! Without a doubt, but I have faith.  I also learned some semi-good news from my oncologist. They started a fertility workup and have informed me that I'm NOT in menopause! YAY! So now its off to my OB to learn just WHAT is happening with my body, at least I see him soon.

And I leave this little poem for you all as a reminder, one that I needed recently:

As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend.
I brought my broken dreams to God because he was my friend.
But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone
I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried "How could you be so slow"
"My child", He said, "What could I do? You never did let go.

Be well...

Healing

Why cant I seem to get my heart to heal? I still miss Maggie and my grandfather so much! I almost cried while cutting corn off the cob (something my grandfather always had to do cause of his false teeth, and tonight I learned I need to do it too cause it hurts my teeth to eat it that way.)  Why wont my heart heal already?

Have I mentioned that I love watching my little one sleep? She seems to peaceful, and everything is just perfect in the world while I listen to her even breathing in and out.

See? Peaceful.  I love this... She makes me feel right, and whole again.  When I'm with her, its almost like there is no great big hole in my heart that aches for two very wonderful people.

On June 12, Gregg and I will be attending the Saugus Firefighters Relief Association and watch the beautiful ceremony.  This year there is a new name, one that has meaning to my family. My dear grandfather will be on there.  My mother wants to be there in the worst way, but she will be on a cruise, so I'll tape it for her.  I know its not the same, but I hope it gives her some peace. Hopefully it helps my heart heal a little

Hey and while I'm thinking about it, I'm doing the Relay for Life this June, so if you could, donate? That would be fantastic.  http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLFY11NE?px=12870092&pg=personal&fr_id=31218

And while I'm thinking about it, I mentioned my friend Lyuba in my last post, and her awesome blog (I hope you checked it out, because I LOVE it!) but I thought I'd mention my friend Crystal who has an amazing blog about crafting apumpkinandaprincess.blogspot.com She's amazingly talented! So show her some love

Be well....

Decisions, tears and determination

My day started much later than usual, thanks to my awesome husband Scott and getting up with Grace. I was able to sleep in until almost 11 and it helped start my day off with a little less pain than usual, but by the end of the day it's back in full swing agonizing pain. I have to call the headache specialist on Monday and find out when they are scheduling my procedure for. They are going to inject anesthetic or something similar right into my head to stop the pain temporarily. I'll take ANY help at this point, this has been going on for months now!

My day also started with a brief stab of pain and some crying. I started up pandora to listen to while I took a shower and got ready for the day and the first song to play was "Grandpa, tell me about the good old days" and I started missing my grandpa so much that it really caught me by surprise and took my breath away for a bit. I still choke up whenever Grace sees his picture and recognizes him and says "Bampa". I really thought she would have forgotten him by now, but she seems to have her daddy's memory, thankfully.

Tonight I started missing Maggie. I find myself still talking to her occasionally and I always wonder if she'd be disappointed in me for not celebration my one year cancer free date like she and I had talked about. Instead I let it go by with barely a mention. But that's okay, I'll make the 5 year "cured" mark a huge bash, something people will talk about for a long time.

I recently decided to actively prevent pregnancy. One of the recen episodes of Private Practice had a woman who have 20-some odd weeks along and recently diagnosed with cancer. She had to either have the baby early and face all the complications with that, or die. I cried, I just could never ever do that. I never want to have to decide something like that. So no baby for us until I'm "cured". What's 4 more years? It'll be easy and will go by so fast that I won't even realize it I'm sure.

I do apologize for my lack of posts lately but I'm a boring stay at home mom. The only excitement in my life is Grace starting to potty train lol.

Oh and if I may give a great big shout out to my friend Lyuba who posted a tribute blog for me. Check out her blog at www.willcookforsmiles.blogspot.com. She has some amazing recipes, so it's definitely worth a look and someone to follow.

Be well

Missing you...

I am missing someone so very much tonight.  She would have listened to my bitching and venting about the stupid things pregnant woman complain about, and how I am so tired of hearing them talk about how awful being pregnant is. Or listen to them complain that they cant have another kid cause they aren't having sex.  I had a whole rant that I unleashed on another friend of mine about the whole thing, and I swore I'd write the whole thing up here, but ya know what? My screen saver kicked on, and I was distracted by the beautiful pictures of my girl.  And then... then my breath caught in my throat and a tear trickled out my eye as a few pictures of Maggie scrolled by. Pictures of a healthy girl, the girl I never knew.  The girl I knew was more grown up, and very sick, but she was ready for anything.  In a conversation I had with her, I asked her about her plans for kids, her response sticks with me still "I figure there'll be plenty of time left, right now, I gotta finish kicking cancers ass." At the time she believed that statement with all her heart, that she'd win the fight.  I believed until the end that she would.  I wanted nothing more for my beautiful friend, and I was looking forward to all the heathly time we'd have together.  So why if I loved her so much, did she not tell me she was in the hospital? Why did no one tell me she had died? I don't have any answers, and I'm not sure I ever will in this life.  Love ya Mags, keep watching out for me girl.