Sometimes I feel hated by the ones I love most… And when I try talking to them about it they say they don't…. So them I'm left feeling crazy… I'm about ready to give up…

Rant warning

God damn it Medicare!!!! I wish I didn't need you, but seriously making me wait FIVE more fucking months for coverage?!?! What the fuck am I supposed to do about all these important scans I'm supposed to have (which by the way I rescheduled once from February to march). Now I'm supposed to reschedule to after July?!?! That will make it ONE year since my last scan!! ONE year!!!! Cause really in all honesty I can NOT afford to pay 360$ a month for commonwealth care for the next five months!!! 1800 fucking dollars for FIVE months of coverage, are you going to reimburse me for all the fucking money I have to spend for coverage until July??!! Fuck you government!!! I'm moving to Canada and getting me some free health care! This is fucking bullshit! I've jumped through hoops since December for coverage and now I'm being told "fill out this form, mail it back and coverage will start July 1st". So why the hell have I jumped through all these damn hoops to do "special enrollment" if they were just going to make me wait until July for coverage during open enrollment. How they hell does that help a person who jumped through hoops a few months ago? Fuck you!!!!!!!!




UPDATE
I have since called Medicare, which is a dead end, who told me to call social security. And so I made the other call to social security and was told my application was processed and I should have my new cards in 1-2 weeks from the 12th. So yippee! I have coverage. Now the question remains, do I still fill out the open enrollment forms or do I not? Maybe I'll just call Medicare once all is said and done and I have my cards in hand.

I've been going through the stuff in the basement and getting rid of a lot of it. Now would be the time I end up with the ultimate surprise baby lol. But clutter drives me nuts and it IS quite crowded down there. So freecycle here I come!

Grace's bed has always been pushed up against mine, but yesterday I sat and talked with her and first asked her if she would be okay with me moving her bed. Then she and I moved it. It's only like 6 feet away but it's a start. Billy's moving to the basement (reasons #2 for cleanup) and I'm, at first going to make his current room into a playroom (wait, omg you mean my living room will no longer be taken over by toys?!) and then at some point I will put her bed in there and she can have her own room. It's probably going to be a slow process but I'm hopeful it'll go well. Grace has finally getting into the whole hair thing. She loves it now. She asks for me to do it every day. This is one excited momma.

It's been over a month since my dad died. And my heart still doesn't believe what my head knows, that he's never coming home. I half expect him to come walking through the front door, with a bag of groceries on his arm, then sit and look over the receipt. Not sure when my heart will finally understand why it's broken.

I am still working out and loosing weight. I seriously can't die like my father did. I don't want to get huge (or in my case stay huge) and hurt my family the way he has. I love him but I definitely don't want to be him.

It's a little sad that I used to weigh soooo much. I mean I still weigh a lot (and god forgive me cause I'm about to reveal something soooo embarrassing for me) but I've lost 10%of my body weight so far (and if you have been paying attention you now know how much i weighed 7 months ago) and I can honestly tell you that I really am starting to feel better. I am super proud of myself and all the hard work I've done to loose that much. It's quite an accomplishment for me. I don't think I've ever worked this hard to loose weight. I don't think I ever tried to loose weight really.

Where did my baby go? Who is this big girl standing in front of me? We're letting her bangs grow out and she looks so much older now! I'm not sure where the time has gone!

Bought a new bra today, well 2, for the first time in forever! Had to, my beloved favorite bra met with its end. The wire kept breaking through, I'd repair the hole and it would last a few more months then pop through again. I was laying down with Grace getting her to bed a few nights ago and my boob hurt soooo bad I felt like crying. After she was asleep, I stood up and realized the wire had popped out again and was almost all the way around my boob! So I had to throw it out, my one light colored bra, my favorite bra had met its end. So off to the store I went to buy a new one (or as it was 2, thanks to a sale 😄). And now I think I may have a new favorite.

Scott got me a pair of earrings for Valentines day. I love them. We gave Grace a small gift as well. Mom gave her a singing, dancing doll. All in all it's been a good day. We spent a quite evening at home. I can't stand trying to go out to eat on Valentines day, too many people out there!

Holy fucking breakdown!!

I was in the shower this morning (I'll pause for a bit while you get THAT image out of your head lol) and my theme song came on, Faith of the Heart. Boy did that set off the water works. My father was one of three people who thought every clean scan milestone was a reason to celebrate with a party of some sort (Scott and I are the other two). And it hit me, I have scans next month and he's not here. Who the hell is going to want to throw a party with me now? Faith of the Heart will never be the same for me again. What's 3 years going to mean now? I'm not sure anymore…

Grace had her valentines day party at school. I'm so glad she was feeling a bit better and could go! I knew she'd be disappointed if she had to miss it. Got Grace a little gift for valentines day, can not wait to give it to her. I love her excitement for every thing!

Well it's late and I'm off. Goodnight all

Grace has been sick the past few days (again?), coughing so hard sometimes she throws up. So you know what that means? It means this mama has been in bed with her, and not getting to work out. Can I tell you how gross I feel? Yea disgustingly gross. Last night I didn't get her to fall asleep until after 1130! Dear lord I was wiped out before she was. And guess who was up coughing at 9am? Oh yea she was! But that was a good thing because I forgot she had a dentist appointment at noon today, so we rushed like hell to get ready and get out of the house on time. Guess who was early by 15 minutes? Yup fun stuff. But we were told she had fantastic teeth and to keep up the good work.

I'm exhausted! Last night was the first night where I got to sleep a 9 hour stretch. Thank you humidifier! Every other night I've been up every couple hours, and the whole going to bed after midnight and waking up at 9 isn't sitting well either. Hopefully we're at the end of all this sickness. I'm so tired of the whole house being sick. After I'm done at the laundromat I'm heading to a store to buy stuff to disinfect my whole house! Oh, why am I at the laundromat, you ask? Oh because the washing machine at home picked NOW to break down. Yup, now, when I need to wash sheets and blankets because they've been thrown up on. Good times, good times. Oh well!

So I've got a picture Grace took of me (full body) at my weight 11 (now 12 lol) pounds ago, so I took another one today. I figure if I take a picture every 10 pounds it'll make a good post someday about my journey to healthy lol.

I'm still missing my dad so much. My heart feels split into a million pieces and I don't know how to put it back together. It still feels weird being in my mothers living room without him in his chair. And the dining table still feels empty. I wonder when these feelings will end…

I love watching the numbers on the scale drop. I honestly am so mad at myself for allowing myself to gain so much weight after chemo ended. Had I of just started walking back then I could probably be at my target weight by now and quite happy and healthy. But nope not me. After 8 months of not being able to eat I went on a binge and ate everything in sight, for 2 years. So now I've blown up to larger than my pre-pregnancy weight and quite honestly was heading towards being my fathers weight at his largest. Had I not of been so mortified to see those numbers on the scale I probably would have eaten myself to a very young death. I would have let food do to me what I fought so hard against with the cancer. So I dropped 20 pounds and then stopped. As long as the numbers on the scale stayed below a certain number I was fine. But you know what, I wasn't fine. I was miserable. I didn't have energy to play with my kid, I ate junk all the time (and sometimes even secretly binged!) and I hated myself. Now I see the numbers dropping and I'm so happy! I'm almost back to my pre-pregnancy weight (my first mini goal hehe) and I've got more energy. It's improving my time with Grace and my ability to do more things. While I still hate my body and will continue to work on improving it, I'm hoping to improve a lot more of my relationships and fix things that are broken. I jumped the other day, literally and seriously jumped, off the ground, outside! We were going to buy Grace snow boats before the blizzard hit and she was holding my hand and Scott's hand in the parking lot and using them to jump off the ground. Scott told her to stop and I looked at her, smiled and jumped off the ground, twice! I haven't jumped in forever cause I wasn't sure I could! To do that was awesome. I'm totally buying a jump rope this spring hehe. My brother in law gave (gifted?) me his exercise bike and I can't wait to find a spot for it and to start using that. I haven't been on a real bike since I was a kid cause I've always been afraid I was too fat for them, now I'm going to loose all this weight and buy one as my present for hitting my big last goal weight (will give me time to save up for it too lol). So I'm loving me and improving me for the first time in years, and this time I mean business! I can't be fat and useless anymore. I don't want to die before I've lived so it's time to start living and to do that I need to fix me! I want to go to a theme park without fear of being too big for the rides (happened to my dad once at a roller coaster and I had to ride with strangers). But watch out world! Here I come and I plan on making it a better me that's coming!!

All total I've lost 31 pounds. Since my dad died its been 11 pounds. Wish me luck world cause I've got a lot more to go!

I was able to expand my wardrobe this morning just by pulling out and trying on some of my slightly smaller clothes, and surprise! They fit! Well not all of them but most! I was soooo proud I was bursting with excitement to tell anyone nearby, hehe!

Be well all

I miss you Daddy

I must say all this exercise feels so much more right than any pigging out of junk food ever has. It's working out so many more emotions and not just hiding them under piles of food. I just feel so different and more alive than I have in a long time. Oh and have I mentioned my absolute LOVE of the fiber one brownies? Seriously best treat ever! I just owe it to Scott and Grace, and seriously to myself to be a better me. I want to be healthier and more active. And I can't do that by sitting on the couch watching tv, but I can do it by being on my machine and watching tv lol.

Big snow storm blowing in today, tonight and tomorrow. Glad I have my hot cocoa supplies and the perfect little cuddle buddy ever. It's a shame she's got a bit of a cold, but it hasn't made her any less of a spit fire than she usually is.

I miss my daddy… He was supposed to come home…

I'm trying to loose myself to exercise, not food, this time around. I figure food has never gotten me anywhere except to fat so I'm going down a new road.

I think I need to take a break from a few things in my life, Facebook being the first thing… so in essence, I'm running away!