Blessed...

During November, my mom's neighbor went to a catholic church in Burlington who has a program called "Heartbeat". Its for pregnant woman who have little or nothing. They help with food, clothes, diapers, wipes, formula, baby food. Its an amazing program I've learned. She told them all about us and they wanted to help. They sent along a huge bag of clothes for Grace. At Thanksgiving time they called us and told us they had food for us. We went and picked up all the fixings for a turkey dinner, and then some.
They called again recently, during all that car drama. They had more food for us. So my mom and I went off to get it one day after radiation. Imagine my HUGE surprise when she brings out a big bag of toys, books and clothes for my daughter. They also had 3 big bags of food and a ham for us. I sat there and cried. I had nothing under the tree for my daughter. It was her first Christmas and her mommy couldn't afford to get her gifts. So while I still can't afford to buy her anything, she now has more presents under the tree than anyone else we know. We can never thank these people enough.
Be well.

Drama, Drama, Drama...

OK so a week ago Scott, Grace and I pack up and head off in the car for Boston. Meet my mom along the way so she can watch Grace for me during chemo and radiation. We continue on to Boston. We're running late so Scott drops me off at the door and says he'll go park the car and meet me. I go flying into the building, go down to radiation and then get a phone call... the car stalled out on the ramp in the parking garage and it won't restart. *sigh* So I call on one of my wonderful brothers, who also happens to be a mechanic, and ask him to please take his day off and come into Boston to fix my car. He and my mom come down in two seperate cars (in case ours can't be fixed they can leave one with us) and he looks at it. Can't be fixed there, need to have it towed home. So my mom leaves us with her van, and goes home in my brothers car with him and the baby. They have the car towed home...60$. Did I mention we're broke? unemployed? and now carless...great!
So I take a breath, and I tell myself its okay. God will take care of us. There is a plan for everything.
My brother John checks out the car at home, its gone. Forget it its junk. Great. So now I'm getting rides from everyone. Saturday my mom took me to chemo, Sunday it was my brother Gregg and Monday I kind of guilted my best friend into taking me. I still feel awful about that. Tuesday was back to my mom. Tuesday my mom gets a car from John's girlfriend that she's selling and my mom might want to buy. Great, that gives us a car for the week while my mom tries this out and we use the van. Now in the background of all this there was a little white car that came into my brothers shop for sale that my mom was going to buy for us. Turns out the white car is an abandoned car and it will take 6 months for the title to come in, so that scrapped that idea.
So Wednesday comes and Scott, Grace and I once again load up into the car (my mom's van this time) and head off for Boston. On radiation days Grace just comes with us and hangs out while I have my short treatment. Well we're running late again (as usual lol) and Scott drops me off at the door and says he'll go park the car. So I go off to treatment and come out and call Scott to tell him I'm done and he can come back and pick me up now. Two minutes later he calls back. The car broke down! The tire wont turn...great! So now I'm in a hospital and ready to sit down and cry but I know I can't. So I go and call my mom and tell her, she calls John. Its got to be towed
So while we're sitting in the garage and waiting for my mom to arrive to come get us again, I start crying. It just felt like this black hole had swallowed me up last night and I still can't get out of it. I'm so exhausted from all this running around, and so tired of treatments and not feeling well that I was just so ready to give up on everything last night. I really just wanted to sit on my couch and have it swallow me hole. I sat there and cried and cried about how I just can't do it anymore, and how it's so unfair that ALL this bad stuff is raining down on my family. One line from a Creed song kept going through my head "Hey God I know I'm just a dot in this world, but have you forgot about me?" Just feels like so much bad is happening and I'm going to suffocate underneath it all. The cancer, the treatments, the unemployment, the car trouble...money has now run out for the most part and I'm so scared I don't know what to do anymore, but we'll figure it out, like we always do.
So today I've stopped the pity party and am trying to come up with a plan. Who knows what tomorrow brings, but I know this morning brings my younger sister with a car (that hopefully won't break down cause if that happens I'm jumping ship lol) and more radiation. If I'm lucky I'll even finally get to the post office and the grocery store. And maybe finally get a trip to dunkin donuts for a nice hot chocolate (gotta love gift cards lol). I figure if I can just ride this storm out I can take on anything...

Be well all.

Busy, Busy, Busy

Never a dull moment around here lately. Feels like we're always running off to something! Like radiation 5 days a week (imagine, running into Boston everyday for work, now shorten your work day from 8-10hours to 30 MINUTES! thats what I do everyday lol). I'm exhausted from all the running. I actually went to bed last night at like 9pm I was so tired. I had to put Scott on baby duty last night, I just couldnt stay awake.

Coming up on a 5 day chemo cycle. I must admit I'm a bit scared... It's too close to the holidays for my comfort. I REALLY dont want to end up in the hospital with low counts again. I REALLY dont want to be there for my baby's first christmas. At least she's young enough that it doesnt make a difference to her, just me.

What will suck is the lack of visitors. Everyone hates driving in Boston, so other than Scott and the baby, it'll just be me and the nurses.

Blah what am I worrying already for. I'll know better on Friday when I learn where my counts are right now as to what will happen after chemo. Hopefully I'll be home and cozy with my family for the holidays.

Going back to the opthomologist today. Hopefully I can stop wearing this stupid eye patch and see the world again. My other eye is so tired from doing all the work.

Grace is laying on the floor next to me playing on her play gym. She's such a good baby. I'm way too lucky with her. Scott's sound asleep in the bed behind me, I almost hate to wake him up but there's errands to be done before we go rushing off to radiation and opthomology. At least Grace is spared running into Boston today, my mom is going to watch her for us cause it's such a long day.

My mom...what would I do without her. We never would have made it this far if it weren't for her. She takes care of Grace for us, and threw a benefit to help us pay our bills. She's truly amazing.

Be well.

Music...

I put Grace down for a nap today and then turned on my i-pod for a bit of music while I waited for her to wake up. First song to play? Sarah-Beth by Rascal Flatt's. Ever hear that song? Enough to make anyone cry. Then the next song was the one that makes me smile and think I can do anything. Its what I've been calling my theme song since I found out about the cancer. Faith of the Heart by Rod Stewart...I never really listened to it before, but its the perfect song for me:

Its been a long road,

Getting from there to here.

Its been a long time,

But my time is finally near.

And I can feel a change in the wind right now,

Nothings in my way,

And they're not gonna hold me down no more,

No they're not gonna hold me down.

Cause I've got faith of the heart,

I'm going where my heart will take me.

I've got faith to believe,

I can do anything.

I've got strength of the soul,
And no one's gonna bend or break me.

I can reach any star.

I've got faith, I've got faith, faith of the heart.

Its been a long night,

Trying to find my way.

Been through the darkness,

Now I've finally have my day.

And I will see my dream come alive at last,

I will touch the sky,

And they're not gonna hold me down no more,
No they're not gonna change my mind.
Cause I've got faith of the heart,
I'm going where my heart will take me.
I've got faith to believe,
I can do anything.
I've got strength of the soul,

And no one's gonna bend or break me.
I can reach any star.
I've got faith, I've got faith, faith of the heart.

I've known a wind so cold,

I've seen the darkest days,

But now the winds I feel

Are only winds of change.

I've been through the fire,

I've been through the rain,

But I'll be fine.

Perfect.... I had listened to it at least once a day, but I've been slacking on that. When I feel my morale slip I put it on as loud as my ears can stand and listen, really picks me up. Reminds me just how strong I really am and that no matter what happens, what bumps we hit, that I'll be fine cause I can do anything.

Its amazing how strong a person really can be when they need to be. I've seen my husband do things he never thought he'd have to do. Like be a single dad every time I go into the hospital, and other than a few quirks, he does real well. He gives me a shot every night after chemo, he changes my bandages and looks at things that most people would cringe about. I'm lucky and blessed.

Its going to be a good day after all, even with all this rain and sleet we're having. :-)

Be well.

"I've seen the best, I've seen the worst, I wouldn't change what I've been through. I touched the sky, I hit the wall, but I did what I had to. On my way here, where I am now, I learned to fly, I have to want to leave the ground. I've falling hard, but I've been loved. In the end it all works out. My faith has conquered fear, on my here"

Santa Baby...

So yesterday was amazing. Woke up early, got my kitchen cleaned and then Grace woke up. Tried rice cereal with her and she loved it! After that she had a bath and we got her dressed to go see Santa.

Aunt Estelle picked us up around 11, and off we go to the mall to wait with all the other parents for pictures. Line wasnt that bad (Santa arrived at 12), so at 1145 we hop in the short line and wait. Pictures came out great!

After that we ate some lunch and walked around a bit. Then we went over to another mall and went to Kohls where Aunt Estelle proceeded to buy me 2 new pairs of pants and a few sweaters to go with them. So sweet of her! I'm still in heaven from how small my pants have gotten.

Then we had dinner out with Mike and Sara. Had a good time there too. Thanks Mike!

All in all it was a great day! I was so exhausted at the end though from all the walking I did that Once my head hit the pillow at 1030ish I was out like a light! But it was such an awesome day!

Restless

Its that time of year again, where everyone is out running around buying gifts, wrapping them and putting them under a tree. Not so in the Cameron household. Not this year. At least its the one year I can get away with having no gifts under the tree, or even putting the tree up. I've got a small fiber optic tree sitting on an end table, and a wreath on my door. If I'm lucky I'll at least put the stockings up before Christmas comes, but who knows? I'd like to get my tree up, I really would but there is so much else that needs to be done. I need to clean the living room like its never been cleaned before, same with the dining room and bedroom. The kitchen and bathroom both look okay but still need a lot of work. I need more help than I've got. Scott and I take turns with the cleaning and baby, she hates being left alone so one of us will stay with her while the other cleans, but it feels like nothing ever gets caught up.

I think that will be my goal for today, to get the housework and laundry caught up. At least I hope it will be lol. I've got to shower and get ready for the day by 11 cause my brothers girlfriend is coming to help me return some cans and bottles that have been piling up, so I want to make sure I've got those all ready to go as well. So I have from now til 1030 to get the housework done and laundry started, think I can do it? I'll let you know :-)

I'm so restless lately. I need new clothes but we have no money for them. I've lost so much weight (81 pounds to be correct) and my clothes are all huge on me. I look like a bag lady. But still I'm restless. I'm not content to sit at home like I used. I want to get out and do something, anything. Maybe if I'm still restless later today I'll take the bean out for a nice walk. Get her all bundled up against the cold (is it supposed to be cold?) and take her out to see the town. Maybe Scott will go with us. It'll be fun, we can walk to the center and see the world. Or maybe I'll have him drive us to this place in Beverly I used to walk around...its gorgeous...who knows...

Be well..

Good news...?

So we so opthomology yesterday, and she says my right eye is healing so thats good news. The bad news is I still have to tape it shut for a week and the tape is already hurting me!!! She said they could stitch the eye closed but that just freaked me out!!! I think I"ll just try to find a better tape lol.

Its a friday, so that means 2 whole days of not having to run into the city for something. I'm so excited by weekends again, why its almost like being back at work again lol.

Speaking of work, I am so tired of listening to people bitch on facebook about having to work! I'd KILL to have that be my big complaint. Grow up! Its called being an adult! No one likes working, but ya do it! Life could be so much worse! You could be doing what I do everyday! Running into Boston all the time for radiation, and then every 3 weeks for chemo, it really wears on ya and its not easy having all that poison course through you. *sigh* I want a job...

My mother is going to teach me how to crochet (sp?) and knit. I'm so excited for that, at least then I'll have a hobby. Something to do whenever I'm stuck in a chemo chair or in the hospital. It'll be nice to see if I can get the hang of it or not.

Ok well its getting late in the AM and I've got to get myself ready, so I can get my little princess ready so we can all trek off to the city for radiation again. It'll be over soon, thats what I keep telling myself. Just got to make it to April then the hard part is over :-)

Be well!

Food and other things rant

I'm starting to feel like I'll never eat another thing because it all tastes like crap lately. Not to mention I've been drinking so much gatorade (cause its good for me) that my teeth are changing colors! Its so gross looking. Food though...I try little bits of this, that and the other thing and nothing tastes right. I'm so sick to my stomach right now I cant stand it and all I want is a decent meal.

I got out of the hospital yesterday to potentially have to go back today. Spiked a little bit of a fever, 100.7. Yea, just a bit of one for now, but its all over the charts today. Anywhere from 98.0 to 100.7. I'm going nuts with all this feeling cold one minute then hot another. I just wish I could click my ruby red shoes and go home again.

People are truly ignorant in my opinion. Ignorant and rude. They look and they stare and point. Some treat me like I'm death... Its so strange, sometimes its even a bit hurtful...

God I've been on a down kick tonight, so unlike me. I just really dont feel well. And I just wish the doctor would hurry up and call and tell me what I'm supposed to do...

Simply amazing

Its simply amazing how many tears a few lost eyebrows can bring....

OK we all knew I'd loose my hair, including body hair (great! no shaving legs!) but, man the eyes are the hardest...

Back up to July for a minute. I had the double vision cause of the tumor. Have surgery, vision clears. Few weeks later my vision blurs. I assume its a side effect of nerves regening or chemo, complain a bit but not much. Fast forward to November/December. I'm back in the hospital, and they send an opthomologist in to see me. Turns out I have and ulcer on my eye, but the good news is its not infected. So all I need to do is put some ointments in my eye 3 times a day and tape my eye shut for a few days and go back in and see him. Go home from the hospital, pick up the scripts and some tape. First dose in, put tape on and go about radiation and lunch. Get back into the car and take tape off so I can re-tape. Half my eyebrow comes with it. I wanted to cry so hard but didnt.

I got home and had to do the second dose, took the tape off and more eyebrows and lashes came with it. At this rate, by the time I see the opthomologist again tomorrow I'll have no eyebrows on one side, the other side is pretty thin now too. I dont know what I'll do with it being so uneven.... any suggestions?

So much fun in one morning...

So I'm back at the brigham with neutropenic fevers, but the good news this time is they think they found the source of the infection and have taking care of it. The drained an absess on the right side of my body near my underarm on Sunday (when I was admitted) and since Sunday I've had no fevers or anything. Hurts like hell lol but no fevers which is a very good thing.

I decided, when I was done with breakfast, to get up and sit in the recliner and watch some movies on the laptop. I got the laptop, sat down and put the feet up... Then I realized I forgot the movies so I go to put the feet down and I was stuck. Because of the location of the abcess I dont have full mobility or strength in that arm. I then realized I left my nurse call button, and phones far away as well...oh dear me! I was really stuck! Thankfully within the hour my nurse came in to change the sheets on my bed and helped me with the situation. I couldnt stop giggling about it though :-)

Blah

My mom keeps telling me I should write a blog so that I can have all the details for when my baby gets older, and not embellish any of them. I said "Details? Like how I was rushing for chemo, and completely forgot her halloween costume? How we had to stay home and away from family on Thanksgiving because my counts were so low?" These are all the things I want to forget, nevermind tell her.

I should just give my mom the link to this blog and let her read it, but I dont write often. And again I'm not so sure I want these thoughts read by her or anyone really. Then why write? Cause if I dont I just might suffocate and choke on all the tears I hold back on the bad days.

I'm stuck at home. Have been now for a week with the exception of radiation. I call it house arrest, the doctors call it taking it easy. Scott put a no visitors rule up until this is over. By Wednesday or Thursday it should be, if I dont end up in the hospital first. Been running low grade fevers of anywhere from 99.3 to 99.8, anything over 100.4 and I have to go in. I'm terrified of going in again, I'm still bruised from the last time. Its starting to hurt now. And plus my whole body aches from not sleeping well at home, it'll be 10x worse at the hospital. I'm trying to keep a positive look on things and keep myself home, lets hope my body co-operates.

I started Radiation on Monday. I was terrified of my first visit. Now its not so bad. They turn out the lights and play music, I close my eyes and try to fall asleep. I hate running into Boston 5 days a week for just 30 minutes a day, but its a necessary evil and its only until January 5th, with some days off.

Just realized I never wrote the good news here. In October I had another MRI done in preparation of the radiation and the scan shows (and I quote) "No hemorrhage or masses noted." Meaning the chemo itself is working at killing the cancer and the tumor is now so small (or even gone comepletely) that they cant see it! I'm framing the letter and hanging it on my wall, way too exciting to leave in a dingy old binder with the rest of the cancer stuff. Too bad I still have all this chemo and radiation to finish. But they said I have a 90% chance of a cure so all that is good news!

Normally I'm pretty optimisstic about this cancer thing, but can I just take a day to bitch and moan about how much I hate this? Maybe not even a day, maybe just a few sentences.

I really hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate being tired, and I hate not having energy. And I hate the way it makes me want to cry so hard. I hate that I cant see well enough to drive myself somewhere to be alone, or even alone with the baby. I just need an hour to myself, to sit and cry and not worry about anyone wanting to know whats wrong or to talk about it. I just need a good cry over all this and I havent had one yet. A ten minute shower does not make it easy to have a good cry.

I'm sitting in chemo today. Alone. Scotts got a cold and is sitting in the car. I kind of wish Gregg was with me again today. I had fun with him yesterday. It was definately different to sit and laugh most of the day away, passed the time quickly. Hopefully he'll come with me again sometime soon. Not that I dont like when Scotts with me, but it was definately a good break to have Gregg yesterday.

Grace is just finishing up her second week of hell. The first week I blame the pediatrician for. We took her for her 2 month check up and she had a slight fever (99.9) so they wouldnt do the vaccines. Told me to watch her temperature the next two days, and if she didnt have one then bring her back in for her vaccines. So I watch and she's fine no fevers. Nothing over 98.6. So we take her back. Pedi checks the temp under the arm, 99.4. Says she'll do shots anyway, then second guesses herself and checks it rectally, 100.9. We ask "Can ya please check again with a different thermometer?" and she laughs at us. Tells us we have to go to the hospital with a fever that high iin a baby so little. So 20 minutes later hospital checks her temp rectally and gets 98.8. No way was the doctors thermometer correct in my opinion. Hospital proceeds to do blood work and urine work up PLUS a SPINAL TAP! Told me if I wasnt comfortable with a spinal tap they could admit her for 2 days to watch her, and there is just no way I could have sat around a hospital for 2 days. So needless to say they broke my heart that night with all the torture she went through. Then from sitting around the ER all night she catches a cold. And from the antibiotics they gave her that she didnt end up needing, she has diarrhea. So this was one unhappy momma. She's finally starting to get over her cold, but it sucks having to listen to your 10 week old be so congested and just knowing your doing everything for her. I was propping her up to sleep, have a vaporizer going and was cleaning out her nose with the bulb syringe all the time, but it never felt like enough and she still sounded so gross.

And now Daddy has a cold but it seems to be moving through him quickly. Hopefully the house will be well again soon.

*sigh* I told you I wouldnt stay pessimistic for long. Its not good for the body or soul. So I'm off to beat this cancer down some more and maybe play a game or two. I am a bit bored afterall lol.

My daughter, The Princess, was baptised on Sunday and we were doubly blessed to have the reciever be another cancer survivor who I admire and look up to. She's an amazing woman and I feel lucky to have met her, and I know my daughter will someday thank this woman for the strength and courage she instills in me. I know I could never thank her enough.

I find it funny that I can email someone every night and tell them things that would be good here, but when I sit down to write the blog I can't come up with a thing to say! Oh well, thats the way things work.

As I sit here and cuddle my baby girl I think about how lucky I truly am. She's an amazing baby, and my husband is wonderful as well.

Its amazing how the word cancer can change your life, bring you closer to people, or even drive some people away. I've gotten so much closer to Scott and to my family and I didnt think that was possible as we were really close before. I've lost a friend or two in the process, guess they are afraid or something. My brother Gregg and I joke that cancer is contagious and I keep threatening to give it to him. The stupid things we say and do to make ourselves feel better about things.

Gregg. My wonderful brother Gregg. My best friend in the whole world. The one person I hated telling about the cancer cause I was so afraid of how he would respond. Somehow I got lucky to have my best friend be my brother.

Until next time...

It's been a long road...

Well pathology reports came back. It's cancer. Rare too. Its called ewings sarcoma. I guess only like 250 cases get diagnosed a year. So I started chemotherapy, and will start radiation soon too.

I'm finding life rather unfair lately. I just wanted to be a mom, and now I'm a new mom to a perfect baby girl but I'm also dealing with the cancer diagnoses and now treatment. Thank goodness the baby sleeps so much still, cause on the days after my treatment I am just so tired I can't stay awake. My poor husband has dealt with cancer too many times in his life for it to be fair to him. First his mom died from it when he was six, then his dad died a few years ago. The only good things about me is I'm young, I'm otherwise healthy and I've got a lot to live for.

They say I have a 50-75% chance of a full remission with at least 6 months of treatments. They say it could take up to a year. I'm hoping for 6 months, I've got a life to lead and a husband and baby that need me :-). I have no intention of giving up, or letting go. I'm strong and I will beat this disease, it won't beat me :-)

Its been a rough start

10 months ago I got the best news of my life. I was pregnant. My life dream and goal was finally coming true, I was going to be a mother. My husband and I were so thrilled.

About 8 months into my pregnancy I noticed the right side of my face was going numb and complained about it to my doctor. He sent me off to the ER to be checked out. They did a catscan and came back to tell me that there was nothing wrong, everything was fine. I should follow up with a neurologist once my pregnancy was complete, or if my symptoms got worse.

A month after that I got sick with a bad case of toxemia. I was hospitalized for 3 days before they decided to induce me even though I was only 37 weeks along. Safer for the baby outside than in they said. They gave me cervodil to soften my cervix and start labor at about 8pm on Wednesday July 22. At 9AM on July 23 they started oxytocin to bring on stronger contractions and to move things along faster. At the time I was also complaining of my face being numb, hurting and having double vision and hearing loss in my right ear. They called a neurologist in to see me. The neurologist looked at the catscan from June and saw something that the first doctors missed. He consulted with my OB and they decided it was unsafe for me to deliver vaginally, it would have to be a c-section. At 845pm on July 23 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She weighed 6lbs 8oz and was 19.75inches. She is the most perfect and wonderful being I've ever met.

The next morning I was rushed off for an MRI so they could better see what they were dealing with. Nurses came into my room later that day, told me I couldn't nurse cause they needed to give me some meds that would harm her, and that the doctors would come talk to me. I had spent enough time with the labor and delivery nurses to know something wasnt right, but no one would tell me. The doctors came in and told me they found what appeared to be a 4 centimeter tumor growing behind my right ear. They said the growth patterns showed that the tumor was benign but I was being transferred to Brigham and Woman's hospital that day to meet with a world renowned neurosurgeon who would be taking my case. I had to leave my baby behind at Melrose-Wakefield. It was the hardest thing for me to do in my life.

Later that day I met Dr. Black, my neurosurgeon. He put us at ease as best he could, made arrangements so that my baby could come stay with us til we had a plan of attack and answered any of our questions that we could come up with. Grace was released from Melrose-Wakefield the next day and my mother brought her, plus diapers, wipes, a bassinet and clothes for us to keep her there. 3 different hospitals (Melrose-Wakefield, Brigham and Womans and Winchester) had all sent over formula and diapers as well. We were well stocked for a bit.

I had one more test done, this one called an MRI/A so they could see just exactly what it was. I had a 4-5 centimeter tumor growing between my right ear and my brain stem that had some bleeding and swelling. I had to have surgery to have it removed. On July 30 they removed about 85% of the tumor, leaving behind what was too close to the brain stem. They say all prelim reports and findings show its benign.

Since the birth of Grace and since the tumor removal I've been trying to stay positive and upbeat, but yesterday I just couldn't do it. Can't today either it seems...I sat here last night and held my baby girl and stared at her. All these thoughts kept going through my head. What if the tumor is not benign? What if I have cancer? Is it too late? Did I finally acheive my life goal for myself just to loose it all now? I sat here and cried for so long. I'm sitting here now, scared out of my mind, and feeling like I have no one to talk to about it. I keep thinking about Scott and how its so unfair to him to have to go through all this again. His mom died of cancer when he was a kid, and his dad died of cancer 4 years ago and now I've got some sort of tumor and waiting on the pathology is killing me. I don't know how people wait for test results of any kind. I don't want to talk to Scott (even though we do) about it cause I know its scaring him too. Both of us spend so much time together trying to stay positive about things, but I know that at night when Grace and I settle down in the living room in the A/C and he goes off to bed that he cant stop thinking about it either. Its like the giant purple elephant in the room or something. I just feel like everyone expects me to be positive and upbeat, but I"m finding it so hard to be lately. There just seems to be one bad thing after the other lately and I don't know how I'm supposed to climb out of the hole its creating in my life. God the pathology reports needs to come back soon.