I absolutely hate myself.

I hate what I've become, needing pain pills at night cause it hurts so bad I can't sleep.

Haven't I suffered enough? Why do bad things keep happening to me? Why does one shit storm end just so a new one can start.  Why does the lupus flare so bad? Why do I have to be so diseased? I feel so isolated and alone.

My poor child can't even cuddle with me right now and that's all she wants to do. I feel so awful.

Right now, probably close to 60% of my body is covered in a rash from the lupus. And it's bad. I'm going to put up some pictures that I took this morning. Every part of my shoulders, back and neck hurt so bad! It's like I've been cursed or something.

I really can't keep going through this shit anymore.  I'm never gonna look the same again cause I'm pretty sure this time I'm gonna scar. My chest,  shoulders,  back,  arms and legs are covered so far,  my upper torso being in the worst condition.

I just wanna cry. Ok I do cry, a good amount. Can't help it, I look and feel awful, and it just hurts so much. I wanna crawl into a hole, somewhere where I don't hurt so

Why did I have to fight so hard to live if this is my existence now. What was the point? How is this fair?