Totally fit into a pair of size 16's tonight. Yup, feeling good

Jill and family surprised me with cake, gingerbread muffins, a card and a gift tonight for my birthday. Totally made me feel awesome. Couldn't ask for better friends then them. I'm so lucky to know them :-)

Tonight I fit into a size 18, and I only wish I had the extra money to buy them because they felt amazing…. I can't remember the last time I wore an 18. 

I can only pray so much and so hard before I loose my faith, and I'm starting to…

Feeling like a tiny dot and God forgot me and doesn't care anymore…

Ok god, you win I give up. I can't even find housing for my family now. I feel defeated. I throw in the towel. I raise the white flag. You win. I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I don't know what you want from me anymore, I have nothing left to give. Except my tears and even those are drying up. I'm done

Talk about a bomb falling…

My lab tests came back and I was told that if I do want to have another baby I have to do it sooner rather than later. My body is not producing any hormones anymore. 

So much for my "I don't want another baby" stance. This just rocked my whole being…

After such a craptastic day yesterday I woke today determined to make today better, and so far I seem to be failing. I'm still feeling low and nothing I do is making that better. I miss my dad like crazy and I want so much to not to that I keep trying to think of the ba things, like his mood swings and his laziness ect ect ect but then I think of the good things, like playing cards, him teaching me to drive ect ect ect that it makes me miss him. I wish I spent more time with him these past few years and not being to busy and into my own life. 

Any way, trying to make today better and I'm gonna get my house cleaned and groceries bought (and no I will not go into market basket cause that may just cause another full break down again) and if I can I'm gonna work on painting that room, but seriously painting over red and dark blue is more of a challenge than I really was expecting. I was hoping to be done with this room and have it all set up by the end of this week, and I still hae hopes for that I guess. But I am taking pictures this time. I've got 2 before, and 2 during an hopefully I'll have a few afters as well. 

Oh God help me. I keep sinking lower and lower into this depression and I can't get out. I've spent the past two mornings in tears all while trying to paint a room. And I keep feeling like I'm messing it up, when in all honesty it's not looking so bad. I just can't get out of this funk I'm in and every time I try I seem to sink lower. It's almost like quicksand and the more I struggle the lower I go. I can't stop crying at the moment and i have no distractions to help. I don't even have anyone to talk to anymore… I'm done. Just done. 

So we go out to dinner to try to salvage some of the day and seeing as the car seat was in the van we just took that. We get up to Peabody, eat and get back in the car. I put the key in and try to start the car and nothing happened. All the lights lit up so I knew it wasn't the battery so I tried again and still nothing. Messaged John bout it, then called triple A for a tow, then called Gary and Estelle to take 2 of us home.  Gary gets there, tried the car again and still nothing. Now there's 3 adults and 2 kids hanging out waiting for triple A. The tow guy shows up, an hour later and tries to start it up and what happens? The damn car starts!! So Gary followed us home so I'd feel a little better just in case something else happened. *sigh* just the icing on the day…