God I'm here asking for help. I'm feeling lost and forgotten by You. Please let Scott get a job soon. I can't take much more of the uncertainty and stress. We've got very little bit of incoming money and a lot of outgoing. God are You there? Are You listening? Did You forget me again? I have a little mouth to feed, and I don't know how to make the ends meet anymore, they just can't stretch that far. How has it gotten this far? Why has it been so hard this time? Normally I'm the one with all the faith that things will work out and be okay but my faith is shaken and I'm feeling so lost and I can't seem to find my way anymore. Please help me God, the bible doesn't even bring me comfort right now. Did You forget me? Please help me find comfort 

Other than my mother and husband I really have no one to share this with so I'm sharing it here. I'm down to a size 20! From a 28/30! This is the last of my stockpiled sizes! Once I'm out of 20's I'm actually gonna have to start buying pants for myself! this is a big step for me. I've been wearing 20's for a couple weeks now and it's felt amazing, but I haven't worn a size 18 since I met Scott 12 years ago! So I'm hoping to reach that soon! It's been 12 years since I was this small. 12 years! That's a very long time to be super fat! and granted I'm still fat at least I'm not feeling super fat anymore. I'm a little less insecure about myself, although sometimes I put on a shirt and take it off cause I think it makes me look preggo lol.   

Signing off now

Went to see oncologist after my scans, and he walks into the exam room takes one look at me and says "oh my god you look amazing!" which of course made me feel amazing! He asked how much I've lost and I told him that I've lost 65 pounds so far. He proceeds to tell me my scans are clean (was there ever any doubt?) and we talk about the occipital nerve block, the pain and his brand new 6 week old son. By the end of our visit I'm teary eyed cause he has informed me that it's his last visit with me, he's moving into a research role across town and as of October first he won't see me anymore. So the man I've come to trust so much is leaving me. 

Well it seems the nerve block didn't work as its been like 15 days or something and I'm still in agony. Time for the next step I guess. Go back on September 10 to talk about it. 

Wish I had more to say but I'm exhausted, been up since 630 and it's weighing me down tonight. More tomorrow about my scans and my visit with the amazingly awesome Adam Crystal. 

Had an occipital nerve blocker procedure done this week. They stuck two needles in my head. Twice. It hurt so fucking bad. Like I was in tears bad. As of right now the pain feels worse. They said it would take 3-5 days to work. If it works that is. this is day 3, it's not looking hopeful yet. 

I had a dream the other night that Scott was offered a job this month, I hope that one comes true. Things are super tight and I can't take much more of my guilt over needing government assistance. I hate that we need the help. It killed me to walk into those places and ask. I'm starting to hate me.  I feel like everyone is judging us. Hell I judge us. Especially when/if they see our fairly new car and our iPhones (which are old 4's not the new one, FYI). But people are so quick to judge. I know because I used to do it. But people don't see how hard we struggle to pay the car payment and phone bills.  It's hard to make ends meet anymore and when his unemployment runs out at the end of the month we're beyond f'ed cause I don't get enough in disability to cover all the bills. We'll definitely lose phones, and if it weren't for his brother paying cable we'd lose that too. I'd be able to make car payments and credit card payments but not car insurance payments, and buy groceries (thanks to the help of wic and the food stamps I'm sure we'd get ). Oh but how would we get to the store? Well thankfully I'd have my mothers help, or else I'd be walking everyday. Maybe that's not a bad thing, I'd lose more weight. I wonder if we still have the old lady cart somewhere? Guess I better look. Makes carrying groceries home so much easier and then I could buy for two days instead of one. 

Oops pitty party over

I've been reading about long qt syndrome and it makes me a teeny tiny little bit nervous. Almost nervous enough to call my primary and get in now. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow. I'm more curious than nervous. Do I have it? What does it mean for me? What's the treatment? All kinds of fun questions. 

Couldn't have the infusion the other day because my heart rate was abnormal on my EKG. Wasted trip. And now he wants to do an MRI of my neck. So of I go for that. As if I didn't have to worry about enough of my body lets just throw another part in. So today I'll head off for an MRI to see if something may be pushing on the nerve. Then I wait 5 days and I'll go get the results. Fun fun. I'm so loving this part of my life (sarcasm)