I have to say its been one of the longest and one of the hardest 2 months of my life.

Scott got laid off on November 2 and we lost our insurance right away. Cobra wants 1700$ a month to continue our insurance, which obviously we can't afford. So we applied for mass health, but we haven't heard anything yet. So I've been without medication for 2 months now.

My lyrica ran out right away and it's been an excruciating 2 months. You thought 1700$ for INSURANCE was bad, how bout 1000$ for a 30 day supply of ONE drug. Yea needless to say we couldn't afford that either. So no lyrica for me. I also ran out of all my bipolar meds and I've been feeling like a 13 year old girl going through puberty. For the first time in forever I've actually realized that being on my meds is a really, really good thing.

Some of you know I get disability, so I was able to apply for Medicare prescription coverage, which starts on January 1, so the end is in sight!! But it's been the longest 2 weeks of my life since being approved. I figure if mass health denies us, I'll sign up for Medicare part B (I already get A which is hospital stay coverage, and now D which is drug coverage, B is for dr visits and whatnot). Then I can find a cheap plan for Scott and Grace somewhere. But I have my next set of scans in February and need coverage by then.

We had an amazing Christmas! It was noisy and busy but it was awesome! Grace had her school Christmas party the morning on the 21st (Friday) and then that night I took Scott to see Cirque Du Soleil, the new movie that just came out. And boy it was amazing! Saturday we went out to dinner for my brothers birthday, Sunday we had a party at my aunts house with my entire crazy family. That night my mom and I went to see Trans Siberian Orchestra, I had bought her tickets for her Christmas present. Another amazing show! Then Christmas eve at my moms house with my brothers and their wives and kids. Christmas day was at home in the morning then at Scott's aunts house for the night with his family.

So yea it was a crazy busy holiday, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I got to see all the people I love and adore and Grace got to spends time with all of her cousins, it was so amazing.

So while 2012 started off promising and hopeful, things turned around in the end, so once again I end a year saying "While this year ended on a bad note, the next year can only get better!"

I'm determined to get back on my meds and become a better person, to work through all the damage the past 2 months have undoubtedly caused in my life (although I must say I am proud of the way I stood up for myself in a rational and reasonable way to my brother, without throwing a fit, a threat or any real drama). He made a comment, trying to be funny, that hurt my feelings and I just turned around and was like "I know you think you're being funny, but really it hurts my feelings". I must admit I later cried about his comment, because in all honestly I sometimes feel like my brothers don't like me and I feel like they treat me as a joke. I sometimes even question what I may have done to make them hate me so much, but I can never figure it out.

Someday I hope my brothers and I can have a good relationship. I adore my brothers and think the world of them, but when they make such hurtful comments in jest I wonder if they really are just kidding or if they mean it. Do they really think so little of me?

The new year holds so much promise of things to come, I really hope we see a turn around soon. But if I'm being honest then I must admit that I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I still feel like something bad is out there, lurking around the corner waiting to grab me.

Surprisingly this was written before the new year started, now I understand why I felt like something bad was going to happen. Miss you daddy.