Feeling rather discouraged today and I'm not sure if I want to continue on this journey or try again later… Scott says keep going, I just want to quit…

Apparently Thursday has become my cleaning day. I spend most of Thursday cleaning my house and it just occurred to me today that it's usually on a Thursday because that is the one day I have free (well Wednesday is free too but I spend that doing laundry cause my dad is gone and I don't get in his way). But Monday my niece and nephew are at my mothers house, Tuesday and Friday I have Haylee and Wednesday I reserve for laundry. Weekends we spend running errands. So yea I guess I keep pretty busy really. I spent a good part of the day scrubbing out my fridge. Something oozed and leaked from the top shelf all the way to the bottom! Gross! At least my fridge got a good scrub down today though.

I seriously spent all day cleaning! I scrubbed and vacuumed and cleaned everything! Seriously if I didn't know better I would think I was nesting! I KNEW I should have stopped, or at least not done sooo much but I just couldn't! Something was pushing me to keep going! And every time I'd get one thing done I'd think of 3 others I could do! There was just something driving me forward, pushing me on, that I just couldn't stop! I don't think I've ever done so much in one day! I didn't even feel like this when I was pregnant with Grace. So what was it today? Adulthood finally setting in? Being stir crazy? Wanting to shop but conserving funds? I just don't get it!

I'm really getting excited for Graces birthday party coming up in a couple months! I'm gonna to decorate the screen house outside with streamers and balloons and make it look cute. We will have tables with cute pink and white table cloths on them covered with food, and hopefully I'll have a little pool for the kids to play in (definitely will have the sprinkler going for them!). Everything will be pink, purple and white, and I'll definitely have a cute tiara for Grace to wear (I hope she'll wear it hehe). I've already got a cute dress for her to wear. Or at least 3 to choose from lol.

Broke my glasses today and we can't find the repair kit :-( My poor eye is killing me! And watering like crazy…Totally made Scott go to cvs and buy the repair kit, can't wait til he gets home and fixes them for me! I'd do it myself but I'm having a hard enough time seeing the keys to write this now lol. If I close my right eye (the bad one) it's not so bad, but then the left one craps out after awhile cause its doing all the work…

Sweet dreams and be well…

I can't seem to shake this down mood I'm in. It's like a heavy coat that I can't take off. The zipper is stuck or something, and the more I struggle the more oppressive it feels. I'm not sure what to do. I don't have an appointment with my psychiatrist til June 11, and right now that seems so far away. I can't help but think back to around the holidays when I sunk and couldn't get back up. I want to climb out, I just can't seem to find a hold to help hoist me out…

I find myself comparing myself to others. How I look, act and parent. I'm feeling so low about things that I just don't know what to do anymore. This is usually where I'd go buy myself some new clothes to make myself feel better, especially since my big, baggy, summer clothes make me feel absolutely huge right now. But I'm trying to save money and refrain from shopping. I keep thinking that if I loose the extra weight I'll feel better, so you'd think I'd be trying super hard to loose the weight, but like everything else in my life I suck at dieting and exercising. I don't know why, cause when I was working out and loosing the weight I, at least, was proud of myself. Now I'm back to being a big blob. I keep telling myself that tonight's the night! I'll get back into working out and I'll stick with it! Then after Grace is asleep I just sit on the couch and watch tv again. I don't want to be a big fat blob forever…

We started potty training Grace today, we've had to change her 5 times, but she's gone more often then not. She played Lego Harry Potter tonight and it was so cute watching her play and hearing her giggles. She's getting so good at playing the game! She really does well and is even starting to understand how to "cast spells" and collect the money in the game. I can't believe she's going to be 3 soon.

So I started the day feeling so low and just wanting to cry, and ended it with a giggle while my girl and I talked like bugs bunny.

Sweet dreams and be well…

So I was doing some reading earlier about this pain that I have in my face and head, and apparently I'm rare there too cause usually trigeminal neuralgia is just occasional bouts of sharp, shooting, electrifying pain, it's rare for it to be constant like mine is. Anyway, my face and head are VERY sensitive to touch already (usual) and from what I was reading its only going to get worse. Like curled-up-in-the-fetal-position-crying-cause-I-tried-to-put-on-make-up bad. And that scares me. It's already bad enough some days that the idea it just might probably get worse is terrifying. Do I really want to have another kid someday knowing my fate? Wasn't the possibility of Alzheimer's enough? The possibility of cancer again enough? Do I need to add this in too? It's scary. No it's terrifying. And simply put it just plain sucks. I want another baby, I really do. But I'm already a shit mother to Grace… I seriously don't know why God gave me her because I'm so beyond messed up and I'm just AWFUL at being a mother… She's going to grow up and hate me… I already hate me, so I don't see how she couldn't. And if she's got bipolar too she's really going to hate me… I keep promising I'm going to try harder and be better but I'm always fucking up. I can't seem to do anything right and it's so damn depressing and discouraging. I can't stand seeing my face in the mirror knowing what a fuck up I am… I just don't see how Grace could love me, how ANYONE could love me…

A Night off…

Taking the night off from posting much tonight. Day was uneventful and the Ativan from last night has left me feeling like junk all day! Or it could be the extremely long road trip yesterday, lol. Not that I think anyone reads this, maybe if I gave away a prize or something every so often someone would read it lol. Well I'm off.

Sweet dreams and be well…

Day trip!

Started the day off packing a bag for Grace to entertain her on our 4+ hour drive and getting ready! Seems my ice didn't completely freeze, but that's okay. We survived! 4+ hours in a car, can ya guess where we went? I'll drop more clues as I talk about the car trip!

Passing by the exit for old Sturbridge village made me realize just how far we were going, and we still had a long time to travel! We got on 84 and kept driving! First stop, Connecticut welcome center, to stretch legs, change a diaper and walk around a bit! Surprisingly Grace had done very well thus far!


Going down 95, just before exit 42 in connecticut we saw a deer watching the cars as they passed by! How adorable! She was on the small side and oh so adorable! Hope she didn't try to cross!

We crossed over into New York and headed to our destination - Broadway! Okay so we weren't going to SEE anything being preformed on Broadway, we had a little restaurant in mind - Steak N Shake! Right next to the Late Show studio. Yeah we essentially drove 4+ hours to eat at a steak and shake. Now let me save my brother some trouble, it was tiny, crowded and not like the ones in Florida. Even the food wasn't that spectacular. But it was an experience I won't soon forget I'm sure. We walked around Broadway a little, but with a toddler that had been cooped up in a car for so long it was a short visit (not to mention it was getting close to 5 and we wanted to start heading home). We've already discussed doing a weekend down there at some point when money is a little freer and we can splurge a little :-). But of course I still sent pictures to people I kept hoping to make jealous lol. And of course we stopped at Roy Rogers at exit 1 off I-84. And yup pictures were sent to the appropriate people again :-)

Grace did wonderful in the car for the whole trip! I was so proud of her! She spent 8+ hours in a car today and she did spectacular! I, on the other hand, had a killer headache and started to feel sick on the way home. Napped for like 20 minutes while Grace played on the 3DS and then nibbled some peanut butter crackers and at least my stomach settled, 2 grams of tylenol and my head was still killing me. Took an Ativan when I got home so hopefully that helps.

I guess this will be the last time I tell Scott I wanna do something fun lol! Especially when I know he's itching to go to steak and shake lol! But all in all it was a good day. And I'm glad I got to spend it with my 2 favorite people. Even if it was in a car hehe.

Sweet dreams and be well...

So Scott's thinking a day trip tomorrow! I think we are completely nuts but it might be doable! I'm worried about traffic, and how Grace will do in the car for so long but I'm kind of excited for it. I'll detail our trip tomorrow and post all about it :-) I might even have some cool pictures to post!

Grace was our little shopping buddy today, as usual. But today she insisted on carrying the bags herself! She was so cute walking around the mall with her little bags!

Sweet dreams and be well!

Yay! It's Friday!

Babysat my niece and now on to a 3 day weekend with my family! Looking for some suggestions for fun things to do (that won't cost an arm and a leg), so ideas would be great!

Grace woke up and after her usually smiley good morning she said "I want to play Legos". Oops! Guess I've created a monster lol. The novelty will wear off soon enough and she'll move on to something different, just like with the computer. She still plays on it, just not as much.

It's been a long day and I'm exhausted! By Friday I am so wiped out that I can barely keep my eyes open… so with that I'm signing out. Don't have much planned for this weekend, thankfully, so hopefully I can relax a little. Well,

Be well…

I've been super busy this week with appointments, babysitting my niece, and helping others (nope not complaining), so I've let the clean up slide a little. Okay, okay, a lot! So because I'm babysitting my niece again tomorrow I've gotta get off my butt and do it all today. Easier said than done, as all moms to young kids know! Grace helps me clean up, but when I move on to another section she plays in the freshly cleaned section a little lol. It's okay, at least she's having fun and learning to clean too!

She woke up talking about using the potty, so either she had some weird dreams or she's ready to start potty training full force. She goes occasionally but nothing consistent yet. She'll do it when she's ready, right? Right?!? Lol I know she will. I just wish it would be soon! I'm so tired of diapers really.

Grace is sitting here playing Lego Harry Potter and it's amazing how well she is doing with it. She has no idea what the object to the game is, but she's having fun. And really the "you're the greatest, mom" comments every time I help her with something in the game is a nice ego boost lol.

I just have to say, sometimes being a persistent bitch is a good thing! It definitely paid off tonight! My mom lost something today, a piece of jewelry, and the first place she had been was a Starbucks in Billerica. We get there at just after 8 and find they closed at 8. But luck be with us, there were 2 people inside! I knocked and the first guy tried to convince me he couldn't unlock the door, as if I was just some Starbucks junky or something. I kept knocking until the second guy appeared and HE opened the door! They had the item! My mom was so happy! I was happy that I could help her!! Sometimes it pays to just keep knocking I guess.

I'm trying to figure out if the hypothalamus can repair itself. And everything I've read just confuses me more… No one anywhere says whether or not it can, and I'd really like to know. Guess I'll have to just suck it up and talk to a doctor, no matter how stupid that question makes me sound. Although if anyone out there has the answer, or could get the answer that would be awesome.

Be well all…

I am who I am

It was a typical Wednesday in the Cameron house. Grace was her typical stubborn, high spirited self, Scott was busy at work, and I spent the day not wanting to do anything. And I ended up picking up my brother-in-law from work, having to go to TWO pharmacies for one of my prescriptions, and then coming home and packing my mothers Avon order for her (cause she works at my brothers garage all day on Wednesday and had an Avon meeting tonight [and in all honesty I enjoy it lol]), and then I got to make a yummy dinner for everyone. Scott went off to his meeting, and Grace and I spent some time snuggling and playing. Boring day, huh? Lol it's okay I think it too sometimes.

I've been dreaming about getting in the car and just driving lately. See where the road takes me, definitely visit Maggie's grave. I'm just feeling restless really. I need to do something, go somewhere or something...

I've really missed writing. It's a good outlet for me, always has been. I used to write poems all the time, my grandfather thought I could go places with it. I'm sorry I disappointed him. I stopped writing ten years ago and I've barely kept up here since I created it 3 years ago. And I created it to be my outlet, the one place I could talk, write, and say ANYTHING I've wanted, but I always find myself not saying things cause I'm afraid how people will react to things. But I seem to have grown a backbone lately because I'm saying more of what's on my mind. That, or my meds are really loosening me up lol. Someday I hope I can get back into writing, make something of myself, and make my grandfather proud. Make my daughter proud.

It's getting late and I really should be going to bed, and I'm quite sure you've stopped reading by now because I've said absolutely nothing of importance or interest. This would probably be the best time to tell a secret or something, but I don't have any lol. It's a shame really cause it would be interesting to see how many of you actually read what I write. See if anyone still reads this. I'm not interesting anymore, cancer's gone, shows no signs of coming back, pain is nothing more than nerve damage, and I've got no secrets to let out. Yeah I'm pretty boring but someday I'm pretty sure I'll have a secret to share, and I just may do it in a boring, run of the mill post. So stay on your toes for now. And hey, if you did get this far, leave a comment ;-). And who knows, maybe there will be a secret to share someday soon ;-)

Be well all...

Mental block

Okay so I know my meds make me feel better, and I know that they make me a better person, so why is it I keep forgetting to take them? I have like a HUGE mental block against taking them. And usually by the time I remember it's either dinner time and too late for the morning meds or the middle of the night and too late for the night meds. It's awful! I remembered to take them TWO days last week. And I was miserable! I was up, I was down, I was super irritable! I was snapping at everyone and I knew it. All I had to do was remember those 10 pills in the morning and those 8 pills at night and I'm a much happier person, and I have a lot more energy. I actually WANT to do things when I take them the right way, so why the mental block? Ideas and suggestions welcome on any ways to better take these damn pills would be very welcome! I've tried setting alarms, leaving my pills in plain sight and even leaving them with something I see every morning and every night. I just don't know what else to try! So please, give me suggestions!

Be well...

Realizations...

I realized something yesterday. I am absolutely petrified at the idea of becoming pregnant again someday. I mean seriously, look at my history. My first time being pregnant and I end up with cancer. Yes it was just a random coincidence but still! Who WOULDN'T be petrified? All hell broke loose when I last had a baby... No wonder I'm not fighting Scott harder for another baby... Let's look at a possible what if future, I get pregnant and everything is fine, yay! But what if I get pregnant and I get sick again? How the hell would I go through 8 or so months of chemo with TWO kids? It was hard enough with one. Grace is turning 3 soon and I still feel guilty I couldn't be a proper mother for her those first 8 months of her life. It makes me feel shitty just looking back on that time and knowing that I technically wasn't there for her 3 weeks out of 4 in a month. And I know Grace wants a brother or a sister, she has imaginary ones all the time when she's playing, but I'm so petrified. Not to mention that the fertility treatments would up my risk of other cancers! It's a no win for me. Either I step off this ledge and hope the next step is still there, or risk falling into oblivion again. I just don't know if I'm strong enough for another fall.

Be well