So I was doing some reading earlier about this pain that I have in my face and head, and apparently I'm rare there too cause usually trigeminal neuralgia is just occasional bouts of sharp, shooting, electrifying pain, it's rare for it to be constant like mine is. Anyway, my face and head are VERY sensitive to touch already (usual) and from what I was reading its only going to get worse. Like curled-up-in-the-fetal-position-crying-cause-I-tried-to-put-on-make-up bad. And that scares me. It's already bad enough some days that the idea it just might probably get worse is terrifying. Do I really want to have another kid someday knowing my fate? Wasn't the possibility of Alzheimer's enough? The possibility of cancer again enough? Do I need to add this in too? It's scary. No it's terrifying. And simply put it just plain sucks. I want another baby, I really do. But I'm already a shit mother to Grace… I seriously don't know why God gave me her because I'm so beyond messed up and I'm just AWFUL at being a mother… She's going to grow up and hate me… I already hate me, so I don't see how she couldn't. And if she's got bipolar too she's really going to hate me… I keep promising I'm going to try harder and be better but I'm always fucking up. I can't seem to do anything right and it's so damn depressing and discouraging. I can't stand seeing my face in the mirror knowing what a fuck up I am… I just don't see how Grace could love me, how ANYONE could love me…