I love my brother, I truly do. He read my blog post from the other day that talks about how I was feeling down and out. He called me today to check on me, and find out why I was sad. He's always been my best friend, he's been one of the greatest friends I could have ever asked for. Truth be told, I was re-reading my most read blog posts the other night, when I was feeling down, and I almost posted a sappy statement on his page. So close that I had loaded facebook, opened his page, and actually started writing something out. Something sappy like "I'm so glad I have you for a brother and a best friend. I'm not sure what I'd ever do without you in my life." Yeah, sappy stuff.
Sometimes friendship is like that, you just know you have someone that will always be there for you, to have your back, cheer you up, make you laugh. I'm lucky cause mine also happens to be my brother. He was there for me during chemo, when we had no car and I needed rides. We would sit and talk, he'd make me laugh when I was feeling so lost and sad. He even had the nurses asking for him when he wasn't with me. He's one of the strongest people I know, and I'm lucky he's my brother and friend.
Scott just worked two full days at work. From like 10AM to 10PM one day, and 10AM to 830PM the next. Which makes Grace extra clingy and whiney, but thankfully he's off tomorrow so she should calm down again. It's been sad to hear her say that she misses him. He'd be gone by the time we woke up, and back after she's in bed. She's a daddy's girl this week, ask me again next week and I'm sure that answer will be different.
I've got follow-up scans next month. Back at my check-up they found enlarged lymph nodes and fluid around my lungs. They are pretty sure it's just the lupus acting up, but they asked me to come back in 6 months (August 25th) and have another scan done, just to make sure. I'm only slightly nervous about this. I mean, if they weren't super nervous about it, then I shouldn't be either, but I can't help but have a slightly anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. Ugh, cancer sucks, and so does lupus for that matter. Well at least lupus isn't a death sentence, a pain in the ass sure, but not deadly.
Well it's getting late, I've finally got my super hero asleep, and I want to watch a bit of TV before I fall asleep. All the work I've been doing in this house has taken a toll on me, and I've spent today exhausted. I was supposed to work on the bedrooms today but I couldn't find any motivation to do it. I'm hoping Saturday I'll have more energy, I'd work tomorrow but Scott's home, and I want to spend time with my little family doing things that might be fun. Although we have to grocery shop and that is not much fun hehe.
Be well all....
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
We were in the car headed to my appointment yesterday and Fight Song came on the radio. Grace was in the backseat belting out the chorus. I love that song, because the chorus is amazing. It really talks about how I feel lately, I will fight, be alright and really, I don't care if anyone believes me, cause I do! I'm gonna become a stronger me, it may take awhile but I know I can do it.
I know that sometimes the road is going to be dark and, sometimes I'm going to hate being on it, but I know I'm not alone. I've got great friends and family behind me. I just hope the dark days will become less and less. Sometimes, I feel like a dark hole has swallowed me up, and others I'm riding on rainbows, feeling great. But today, I've got too much to do to let the darkness in. I'm going to be busy taking care of my living room, and making it look amazing.
Today is definitely a riding on rainbows day. I'm feeling great, and ready to take the world on. I'm feeling strong, and ready to go. Who knows, maybe today is the day my luck starts to turn around, maybe I'll have less pain, maybe I won't lose my breath so easily. Either way the day goes, I'm just a little bit stronger than yesterday.
Today is definitely a riding on rainbows day. I'm feeling great, and ready to take the world on. I'm feeling strong, and ready to go. Who knows, maybe today is the day my luck starts to turn around, maybe I'll have less pain, maybe I won't lose my breath so easily. Either way the day goes, I'm just a little bit stronger than yesterday.
So for now, I'm signing off to go get started on my day. I've got a lot to do.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
It still amazes me that even when I've had a night as dark and stormy as I did last night, that I can still wake the next morning and feel hope, just a little bit, but it's definitely hope. Hope that maybe today won't be so bad, that maybe I will finally be able to laugh without pain. Then, while I'm getting ready for the day, and listening to music, just one song can help lift me up higher out of the despair.
I have a few rally songs for times like last night, but this morning the song that seemed to make things okay was Be Alright by my cousin Chris. For some reason this song really helped me today, and I really feel like I just might have a great day. That everything really will be alright.
I'm off to another doctor appointment, and while it makes me sad that we have to spend another day at a doctor, I've got a kind of hope that this one will be the last one for a year. They need to check the lens one more time, cause last time they made a change to it. Here's hoping.
I've lost 25 of the 35 pounds I gained while on prednisone. So I'm don't to a slim 235. I've still got at least 55 pounds to lose after the last of the prednisone weight come off but I've still come a long way from the 320 I was at when my father died. I'm still proud of all the work I've put in to losing the weight.
I'm still weak, and my rheumatologist thinks it could be causing some of my problems, so she wants me to work on getting stronger. So I've put renewed effort into getting my house cleaned up and respectable living. Here are a couple before and after photos of the rooms I've done so far. I figure since I won't have the van anymore, I have to make this house look great so I can have people over, seeing as I'll have no way of getting to anyone.
Sink area (I didn't think to take a before picture, but there was a fish tank and other things before I cleaned it up)
I have a few rally songs for times like last night, but this morning the song that seemed to make things okay was Be Alright by my cousin Chris. For some reason this song really helped me today, and I really feel like I just might have a great day. That everything really will be alright.
I'm off to another doctor appointment, and while it makes me sad that we have to spend another day at a doctor, I've got a kind of hope that this one will be the last one for a year. They need to check the lens one more time, cause last time they made a change to it. Here's hoping.
I've lost 25 of the 35 pounds I gained while on prednisone. So I'm don't to a slim 235. I've still got at least 55 pounds to lose after the last of the prednisone weight come off but I've still come a long way from the 320 I was at when my father died. I'm still proud of all the work I've put in to losing the weight.
I'm still weak, and my rheumatologist thinks it could be causing some of my problems, so she wants me to work on getting stronger. So I've put renewed effort into getting my house cleaned up and respectable living. Here are a couple before and after photos of the rooms I've done so far. I figure since I won't have the van anymore, I have to make this house look great so I can have people over, seeing as I'll have no way of getting to anyone.
Sink area (I didn't think to take a before picture, but there was a fish tank and other things before I cleaned it up)
Here is my bathroom before
And my bathroom after
My kitchen before
My kitchen after
Ooh and if anyone was wondering, this is what a six year old Super Hero Grace looks like....
Everyone always talks about how I kicked cancers ass, but are we sure of that? Cause on nights like tonight, where something just doesn't feel right, and I'm tired of all the damn doctors visits and all the damn meds that I can't help but wonder, did cancer kick my ass?
After taking my 10 pills in the morning and my 9 at night, I sometimes just want to wave the white flag. Just throw in the damn towel, say to hell with it all and just stop the meds. Let nature and my body do whatever it wants to. I can't feel much worse than I do now. I take all these pills and I still feel like crap all the time. I'm weak, and tired. I can't yawn, laugh, hiccup or even burp without it hurting me. If you've been around me, then you know I can't even get a cough out without feeling intense pain.
Sometimes I just want to say enough! My own daughter doesn't know me at all. Not the real me, at least. All she knows is the shell I've become, this person who is running off to doctors all the time. They can't fix the problem, and I'm starting to think they never will. I'm just so fed up with who I've become after cancer. It's just seems so unfair. I fought so hard to stay alive, and I feel like I'm being punished for it.
This is not the life I imagined, or wanted. I feel cheated and abandoned. Sometimes I feel so lost and forgotten in this world.
How did I get here....
After taking my 10 pills in the morning and my 9 at night, I sometimes just want to wave the white flag. Just throw in the damn towel, say to hell with it all and just stop the meds. Let nature and my body do whatever it wants to. I can't feel much worse than I do now. I take all these pills and I still feel like crap all the time. I'm weak, and tired. I can't yawn, laugh, hiccup or even burp without it hurting me. If you've been around me, then you know I can't even get a cough out without feeling intense pain.
Sometimes I just want to say enough! My own daughter doesn't know me at all. Not the real me, at least. All she knows is the shell I've become, this person who is running off to doctors all the time. They can't fix the problem, and I'm starting to think they never will. I'm just so fed up with who I've become after cancer. It's just seems so unfair. I fought so hard to stay alive, and I feel like I'm being punished for it.
This is not the life I imagined, or wanted. I feel cheated and abandoned. Sometimes I feel so lost and forgotten in this world.
How did I get here....
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