Everyone always talks about how I kicked cancers ass, but are we sure of that? Cause on nights like tonight, where something just doesn't feel right, and I'm tired of all the damn doctors visits and all the damn meds that I can't help but wonder, did cancer kick my ass?

After taking my 10 pills in the morning and my 9 at night, I sometimes just want to wave the white flag. Just throw in the damn towel, say to hell with it all and just stop the meds. Let nature and my body do whatever it wants to. I can't feel much worse than I do now. I take all these pills and I still feel like crap all the time. I'm weak, and tired. I can't yawn, laugh, hiccup or even burp without it hurting me. If you've been around me, then you know I can't even get a cough out without feeling intense pain.

Sometimes I just want to say enough! My own daughter doesn't know me at all. Not the real me, at least. All she knows is the shell I've become, this person who is running off to doctors all the time. They can't fix the problem, and I'm starting to think they never will. I'm just so fed up with who I've become after cancer. It's just seems so unfair. I fought so hard to stay alive, and I feel like I'm being punished for it.

This is not the life I imagined, or wanted. I feel cheated and abandoned. Sometimes I feel so lost and forgotten in this world.

How did I get here....