Sunday, October 4, 2009

Normally I'm pretty optimisstic about this cancer thing, but can I just take a day to bitch and moan about how much I hate this? Maybe not even a day, maybe just a few sentences.

I really hate this. I hate everything about it. I hate being tired, and I hate not having energy. And I hate the way it makes me want to cry so hard. I hate that I cant see well enough to drive myself somewhere to be alone, or even alone with the baby. I just need an hour to myself, to sit and cry and not worry about anyone wanting to know whats wrong or to talk about it. I just need a good cry over all this and I havent had one yet. A ten minute shower does not make it easy to have a good cry.

I'm sitting in chemo today. Alone. Scotts got a cold and is sitting in the car. I kind of wish Gregg was with me again today. I had fun with him yesterday. It was definately different to sit and laugh most of the day away, passed the time quickly. Hopefully he'll come with me again sometime soon. Not that I dont like when Scotts with me, but it was definately a good break to have Gregg yesterday.

Grace is just finishing up her second week of hell. The first week I blame the pediatrician for. We took her for her 2 month check up and she had a slight fever (99.9) so they wouldnt do the vaccines. Told me to watch her temperature the next two days, and if she didnt have one then bring her back in for her vaccines. So I watch and she's fine no fevers. Nothing over 98.6. So we take her back. Pedi checks the temp under the arm, 99.4. Says she'll do shots anyway, then second guesses herself and checks it rectally, 100.9. We ask "Can ya please check again with a different thermometer?" and she laughs at us. Tells us we have to go to the hospital with a fever that high iin a baby so little. So 20 minutes later hospital checks her temp rectally and gets 98.8. No way was the doctors thermometer correct in my opinion. Hospital proceeds to do blood work and urine work up PLUS a SPINAL TAP! Told me if I wasnt comfortable with a spinal tap they could admit her for 2 days to watch her, and there is just no way I could have sat around a hospital for 2 days. So needless to say they broke my heart that night with all the torture she went through. Then from sitting around the ER all night she catches a cold. And from the antibiotics they gave her that she didnt end up needing, she has diarrhea. So this was one unhappy momma. She's finally starting to get over her cold, but it sucks having to listen to your 10 week old be so congested and just knowing your doing everything for her. I was propping her up to sleep, have a vaporizer going and was cleaning out her nose with the bulb syringe all the time, but it never felt like enough and she still sounded so gross.

And now Daddy has a cold but it seems to be moving through him quickly. Hopefully the house will be well again soon.

*sigh* I told you I wouldnt stay pessimistic for long. Its not good for the body or soul. So I'm off to beat this cancer down some more and maybe play a game or two. I am a bit bored afterall lol.