Grace cracks me up. This is an actual conversation yesterday

Grace: momma, if you were a fish I'd catch you then I'd eat you all up

Me: well then I couldn't be your mommy if you ate me, so who would your mommy be?

Grace: nana can be my mom!

Me: no, nana's your nana, she can't be your mom

Grace: I know! Amy can be my mom!

A bit of background. Grace has spent the past school year becoming friends with this girl Sophia, and being the good mom I am, and Sophia having the good mom she does, the girls have had a few play dates. Which means I've spent lots of time getting to know Sophia's mom, Amy. Amy is pretty kick ass, and really, after being at her house, what 4 year old wouldn't want to live there? So I guess to Grace she makes a pretty logical next choice hehe

Another good conversation with Grace 

Me: Grace what do you want for lunch?

Grace: pizza!

Me: I don't have the stuff to make pizza, so choose something else

Grace: dominos delivers pizza 

That's my smartass hehe

We occasionally read chapter books, and Grace calls them "chapsters" instead of chapters. 

And when we play Mario, or she's looking for her stuffed "friend" she'll calls Yoshi, Oshi instead

I really wish I had written down more of the funny day to day parts of our life. 

Like how she calls her vitamins, pills (and feels so grownup taking medicine like her mama), how she holds both mine and Scott's hand and wants to jump over all the cracks and lines in the parking lot. 

If only I could convey in words how my heart melts everytime she looks at me, or holds my hand. 

The other night, it was near 10pm and she was still awake and was doing everything possible to stay up later, which meant getting up to go the bathroom a dozen times, talking, requesting help with one thing or another, etc, and I kept getting frustrated and ended yelling a few times. Well, she suddenly gets up again and I yelled "Grace Anne, lay your butt down and go to sleep!" and she looks up at me with those big hazel eyes and says "I just want to give you a hug". As she snuggled into me she said "please stop yelling at me momma". At the moment it broke my heart and I snuggled her closer and said "if you'd just listen the first 10 times I spoke I wouldn't have yelled. Now please let's just get some sleep". And sure enough she went off to sleep. 

While drawing a picture for her auntie Robin, she was drawing herself and she drew a big circle then drew a small circle and said "I drew a small circle cause I have a small head, auntie Robin has a big head though"

She's my princess. And I hope she realizes how incomplete my world would be without her. And I hope someday she gets to experience the kind of love a mother has for her child, because then I'll know she finally understands how your world can suddenly seem so incomplete before.

 In all honesty,I loved her 5 years before she was born. When all I had was the clinging hope that the little girl in my dream would be a reality. And beautiful blonde curls and all she is. She is everything I dreamed of that night so very long ago. I'm just glad she picked me to be her mama

Some new Grace-isims:

Grace: can I come in your bed

Me: sure baby

Grace: ok I'll be right there, as soon as you let me rest some more

Grace: where's the o? (referring to the spelling of our last name)

Me: how do you know there's an o?

Grace: cause it came from my brain

Whispering while falling asleep one night: she whispered about going somewhere with Austin and ally (popular kids show) and that Austin had to drive and ally had to sit in back 

You have to stop the blood so it can make your brain light up and your feet can dance 

Have any of you seen repo men, the rock opera? There's a song at the end and a part of it makes me a bit sad. Its a daughter and father singing to each other as the father is dying. It says:

Sometimes I wanted to cry
when the people on TV were not quite the way we were
somehow I guess I just knew.
But I didn't know I'd love you so much
I didn't know I'd love you so much
I didn't know I'd love you so much
but I do.


And really it hits a spot with me. I used to wish that I had a "tv" family, that my dad was normal and loving. I used to say (as a teenager) that I hated him, and my mom used to tell me I'd be the one who was the saddest and regret the most. I always told her no I'd be glad he was gone.

It took my dad dying for me to realize how much I loved him. And out of all my siblings, I really think that maybe, just maybe I do regret the most.

But you know what I've learned as I've gotten older? All my misery wasn't from him. Yeah, he could be an ass, but I could be an even bigger ass the other times. Sometimes I think that if maybe I had worked on taking my meds and getting myself stabilized that maybe we could of had some nice times together.

Be well