I'm tired of being sick.... I'm tired of taking pills... and I'm so fucking tired of the pain.... I want to be able to walk normally, to not need pills to sleep at night, to not need pills to live day to day.

I'm in pain most days, my joints lock up and I can barely walk up/down the stairs. I can't remember the last time I did stairs normally. Now I take the stairs just like a toddler. Very slowly, one step at a time, with a shit ton of fear of falling down them, especially my basement stairs. I fear that some day I'm gonna fall down them and hit head first into the concrete/rock wall at the bottom, and no one is going to be here to help me.

That kind of fear is exhausting. And I'm afraid of that every single time I go down to do laundry or up to put it away. I don't like being afraid of something like that.

I spend my days freezing. Today I'm wearing long johns under jeans, and under three shirts, I have two pairs of socks on, and I'm still under a blanket, and still cold. In the summer I don't run the ac all that much, because it makes me too cold.

Sleep at night is hard cause if I lay on my back too long, I get spasms and they last all night into the next day. If I'm on my side my hips hurt. So I take pills to help me sleep. That makes it hard when I wake up at night to go pee, I stumble around cause it's hard to open my eyes, usually that's 2-3 times a night.

My legs are constantly covered in bruises, some little, a few big. And they are like that all the time.

I'm so klutzy lately that over the summer while getting out of an inground pool, I tripped and now have horrible ugly scars on my knee and foot, all from scrapes.

I get blood work done at every visit to my rheumatologist, my psychiatrist thinks I shouldn't work because of all the stress my body is under, and the lens people donated money for, so that I could get it, doesn't really help anymore.

I have no appetite, I just don't want to eat. And when I do eat, I take about 4 bits before I feel like it's going to make me throw up.

Do you even know what I'm diagnosed with?
1. Bipolar
2. Circulating anticoagulant disorder
3. Hypothyroidism
4. Hypopituitarism
5. Increased prolactin level
6. Occipital neuralgia
7. Pcos
8. Sarcoma
9. Systemic lupus erythematosus

And yeah, I know I'm complaining about things that just prove I'm alive, but seven years ago, I was a normal girl walking around, without a care in the world. Now I take pills, so many pills, just to get through my day.

And as much as I'd like to sit down and not move all day, I still get up, get ready, clean my house, do dishes, make meals, babysit my nieces, and take care of my precious peanut. I still run errands, go to birthday parties, buy presents and grocery shop. Why, you may ask? Because life doesn't stop going on just cause I'm feeling lousy. So again I'll take my meds, and get moving, and be the best me that I can that day. I'm not perfect, and it's taken me a long time to give up trying. As long as I keep on trying to be the best I can be, I feel like I'm succeeding at life.

Sorry I spent so much time bitching today, I guess I'm just tired of pretending everything is perfect and fine, when in reality, I think I'm falling apart on the inside.

Be well....