Feeling sick

I've got my first post chemo checkup on Thursday morning and I'm feeling so scared, anxious, and nervous and quite frankly I feel like I'm going to throw up. I need Thursday to hurry up and come and be over with. I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. In all honesty I'm thinking its not going to be good news, but that could just be the pessimist in me. I keep praying that I'll be ok, that everthing will work out right. I really dont want to have to have more chemo, but I will definately continue to fight if needs be.

We are planning to hit the carnival and fireworks on Saturday in Wilmington, should be a good time. And come Saturday, I'm either going to need some serious cheering up or celebrating. I hope its celebrating.

We went to my cousins wedding on Sunday, she made such a beautiful bride. Grace had so much fun dancing and eating and clapping and cheering. She also got to play with my cousins little girl who is just a couple months older than she is.

Is it Thursday yet? I wish I could just sleep til then, oh God my stomach is doing flips and I feel so sick. I hope its not like this all the time. I hope it gets a little easier with each check up.

Be well....

Last night I was laying on the couch and for a moment I started to panic. I was certain I couldnt hear out of my right ear again. But I calmed myself down and did the whole routine and I could hear just fine. I dont know why I tought I couldnt hear, it was so strange.

I'm trying so hard to just live life and enjoy every moment, but I am so scared. I have dreams that the cancer has come back. I dream of the chemo rooms and the familiar faces of the nurses, when does that all stop? I feel like I"m going crazy with worry.

I wish someone had told me how hard it would be once chemo ended. I mean one day I have all these people caring about me, worrying about me and I'm surrounded by doctors and nurses, then the next its all gone. I spent so much time running into the city that I dont know what to do with my free time anymore. I should be packing or cleaning but instead I find myself getting Grace and I showered and dressed and we go out and walk the malls. Shopping. I dont buy much, I put all kinds of clothes and accessories in the cart, but then put it all back. I cant seem to splurge like I used to. Instead, I head on over to the grocery store after and buy that days groceries (never more than 2 days at a time) and head on home. I use the grocery store as my way out of the house all the time. I tell myself I cant buy more than a day or two of groceries cause I cant get them in the house.

Grace and I have been camping out in the living room with the AC and shes asleep oin the couch behind me. Correction, she is awake now and beside me pushing buttons lol. We are off to eat, then I am dropping her off with her Aunt for a bit so I can go gather more boxes for our big move!

be well

No clue

I'm not even sure what to title this. Its just a jumble of all kinds of thoughts and who knows what. I just feel so strange lately, not bad but strange. Some days the darkness creeps in and takes hold of me, but luckily if I start to genuinely cry Grace comes over, puts a binky in my mouth and snuggles up to me, which of course makes me laugh.

My beautiful, darling Grace. Where would I be without her? I would probably be a big bawling mess all the time. I'm so glad I was fortunate enough to have her when I did.

They told me I'd never get pregnant, that it would take lots of fertility treatments, and even then it might not work. Well fooled them, I got pregnant all on my own didnt I? And then they worried that I would miscarry and I didnt, and then they worried she'd be premature and she wasnt. My body was supposed to reject the pregnancy, fight it off like a virus, but thank God it didnt. And in the nick of time my beautiful little girl came into the world to help me have the strength to fight off the cancer. Funny, my body was supposed to fight off a baby, but because it let down its defenses, more than just a baby crept in.

I still cant help but think why. And I hate that I will never know why. Grrrr, its driving me nuts.

I was forunate enough to meet another chemo patient with ewings sarcoma during my treatments. She is awesome. And I'm glad she and I will be forever connected by this, and I really hope we end up with a good friendship from it all. She's so strong and beautiful and I'm definately lucky to know her. She cracks me up, actually made me laugh out loud earlier today while I was sitting in the waiting area at the Dana Farber. And yup, everyone looked at me, but it definately takes a lot to embarass me as I've learned lately.

Grace is getting so big. She's almost 11 months old now, and she keeps trying to walk on her own. She takes about 5 or 6 steps before she gets so excited with herself that she falls down laughing. She's such a comedian, we spend most of the day laughing and giggling. I really enjoy being her mother. I thank God every day for her, I really do.

Be well...