No clue

I'm not even sure what to title this. Its just a jumble of all kinds of thoughts and who knows what. I just feel so strange lately, not bad but strange. Some days the darkness creeps in and takes hold of me, but luckily if I start to genuinely cry Grace comes over, puts a binky in my mouth and snuggles up to me, which of course makes me laugh.

My beautiful, darling Grace. Where would I be without her? I would probably be a big bawling mess all the time. I'm so glad I was fortunate enough to have her when I did.

They told me I'd never get pregnant, that it would take lots of fertility treatments, and even then it might not work. Well fooled them, I got pregnant all on my own didnt I? And then they worried that I would miscarry and I didnt, and then they worried she'd be premature and she wasnt. My body was supposed to reject the pregnancy, fight it off like a virus, but thank God it didnt. And in the nick of time my beautiful little girl came into the world to help me have the strength to fight off the cancer. Funny, my body was supposed to fight off a baby, but because it let down its defenses, more than just a baby crept in.

I still cant help but think why. And I hate that I will never know why. Grrrr, its driving me nuts.

I was forunate enough to meet another chemo patient with ewings sarcoma during my treatments. She is awesome. And I'm glad she and I will be forever connected by this, and I really hope we end up with a good friendship from it all. She's so strong and beautiful and I'm definately lucky to know her. She cracks me up, actually made me laugh out loud earlier today while I was sitting in the waiting area at the Dana Farber. And yup, everyone looked at me, but it definately takes a lot to embarass me as I've learned lately.

Grace is getting so big. She's almost 11 months old now, and she keeps trying to walk on her own. She takes about 5 or 6 steps before she gets so excited with herself that she falls down laughing. She's such a comedian, we spend most of the day laughing and giggling. I really enjoy being her mother. I thank God every day for her, I really do.

Be well...