It's been a long road...

Well pathology reports came back. It's cancer. Rare too. Its called ewings sarcoma. I guess only like 250 cases get diagnosed a year. So I started chemotherapy, and will start radiation soon too.

I'm finding life rather unfair lately. I just wanted to be a mom, and now I'm a new mom to a perfect baby girl but I'm also dealing with the cancer diagnoses and now treatment. Thank goodness the baby sleeps so much still, cause on the days after my treatment I am just so tired I can't stay awake. My poor husband has dealt with cancer too many times in his life for it to be fair to him. First his mom died from it when he was six, then his dad died a few years ago. The only good things about me is I'm young, I'm otherwise healthy and I've got a lot to live for.

They say I have a 50-75% chance of a full remission with at least 6 months of treatments. They say it could take up to a year. I'm hoping for 6 months, I've got a life to lead and a husband and baby that need me :-). I have no intention of giving up, or letting go. I'm strong and I will beat this disease, it won't beat me :-)

Its been a rough start

10 months ago I got the best news of my life. I was pregnant. My life dream and goal was finally coming true, I was going to be a mother. My husband and I were so thrilled.

About 8 months into my pregnancy I noticed the right side of my face was going numb and complained about it to my doctor. He sent me off to the ER to be checked out. They did a catscan and came back to tell me that there was nothing wrong, everything was fine. I should follow up with a neurologist once my pregnancy was complete, or if my symptoms got worse.

A month after that I got sick with a bad case of toxemia. I was hospitalized for 3 days before they decided to induce me even though I was only 37 weeks along. Safer for the baby outside than in they said. They gave me cervodil to soften my cervix and start labor at about 8pm on Wednesday July 22. At 9AM on July 23 they started oxytocin to bring on stronger contractions and to move things along faster. At the time I was also complaining of my face being numb, hurting and having double vision and hearing loss in my right ear. They called a neurologist in to see me. The neurologist looked at the catscan from June and saw something that the first doctors missed. He consulted with my OB and they decided it was unsafe for me to deliver vaginally, it would have to be a c-section. At 845pm on July 23 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She weighed 6lbs 8oz and was 19.75inches. She is the most perfect and wonderful being I've ever met.

The next morning I was rushed off for an MRI so they could better see what they were dealing with. Nurses came into my room later that day, told me I couldn't nurse cause they needed to give me some meds that would harm her, and that the doctors would come talk to me. I had spent enough time with the labor and delivery nurses to know something wasnt right, but no one would tell me. The doctors came in and told me they found what appeared to be a 4 centimeter tumor growing behind my right ear. They said the growth patterns showed that the tumor was benign but I was being transferred to Brigham and Woman's hospital that day to meet with a world renowned neurosurgeon who would be taking my case. I had to leave my baby behind at Melrose-Wakefield. It was the hardest thing for me to do in my life.

Later that day I met Dr. Black, my neurosurgeon. He put us at ease as best he could, made arrangements so that my baby could come stay with us til we had a plan of attack and answered any of our questions that we could come up with. Grace was released from Melrose-Wakefield the next day and my mother brought her, plus diapers, wipes, a bassinet and clothes for us to keep her there. 3 different hospitals (Melrose-Wakefield, Brigham and Womans and Winchester) had all sent over formula and diapers as well. We were well stocked for a bit.

I had one more test done, this one called an MRI/A so they could see just exactly what it was. I had a 4-5 centimeter tumor growing between my right ear and my brain stem that had some bleeding and swelling. I had to have surgery to have it removed. On July 30 they removed about 85% of the tumor, leaving behind what was too close to the brain stem. They say all prelim reports and findings show its benign.

Since the birth of Grace and since the tumor removal I've been trying to stay positive and upbeat, but yesterday I just couldn't do it. Can't today either it seems...I sat here last night and held my baby girl and stared at her. All these thoughts kept going through my head. What if the tumor is not benign? What if I have cancer? Is it too late? Did I finally acheive my life goal for myself just to loose it all now? I sat here and cried for so long. I'm sitting here now, scared out of my mind, and feeling like I have no one to talk to about it. I keep thinking about Scott and how its so unfair to him to have to go through all this again. His mom died of cancer when he was a kid, and his dad died of cancer 4 years ago and now I've got some sort of tumor and waiting on the pathology is killing me. I don't know how people wait for test results of any kind. I don't want to talk to Scott (even though we do) about it cause I know its scaring him too. Both of us spend so much time together trying to stay positive about things, but I know that at night when Grace and I settle down in the living room in the A/C and he goes off to bed that he cant stop thinking about it either. Its like the giant purple elephant in the room or something. I just feel like everyone expects me to be positive and upbeat, but I"m finding it so hard to be lately. There just seems to be one bad thing after the other lately and I don't know how I'm supposed to climb out of the hole its creating in my life. God the pathology reports needs to come back soon.