I realized something yesterday. I am absolutely petrified at the idea of becoming pregnant again someday. I mean seriously, look at my history. My first time being pregnant and I end up with cancer. Yes it was just a random coincidence but still! Who WOULDN'T be petrified? All hell broke loose when I last had a baby... No wonder I'm not fighting Scott harder for another baby... Let's look at a possible what if future, I get pregnant and everything is fine, yay! But what if I get pregnant and I get sick again? How the hell would I go through 8 or so months of chemo with TWO kids? It was hard enough with one. Grace is turning 3 soon and I still feel guilty I couldn't be a proper mother for her those first 8 months of her life. It makes me feel shitty just looking back on that time and knowing that I technically wasn't there for her 3 weeks out of 4 in a month. And I know Grace wants a brother or a sister, she has imaginary ones all the time when she's playing, but I'm so petrified. Not to mention that the fertility treatments would up my risk of other cancers! It's a no win for me. Either I step off this ledge and hope the next step is still there, or risk falling into oblivion again. I just don't know if I'm strong enough for another fall.
Be well
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