Having a really hard time tonight. I just have a bad case of a broken heart. I was goofing around with music on YouTube and I found the song that I danced to with my father at my wedding. My heart sunk as the tears sprang to my eyes.

I just miss him so much more than I ever thought I would. I wasn't ready for him to die. I didn't get to say goodbye, or tell him I loved him or even tell him I'm sorry for all the awful hurtful things I've said to him over the years. I was an awful teenager and I used to fight with him all the time. The truth is though, I was definitely a daddy's girl. I miss him and I hate thinking about him because it hurts so much right now.

He was just supposed to come home


I realize I never updated about my scans and what not. So far everything on the MRI's and CT's are still clean. Blood work, however, shows a non cancerous micro tumor on my pituitary gland. I go see an endocrinologist in a couple weeks to find out what happens next. Everything I've been reading shows that I'll have to take a pill to shrink it. Not big enough to require surgery or radiation, so just a pill. Maybe another MRI. But that's easy.

I've dropped 40lbs so far and still loosing more. I'm kind of proud of that

I'm tired of having to rely on medicine to feel better. I'm hating the person I've become and I can blame cancer all I want for some of it, okay most of it, but I gotta figure out how to make things better, how to be better.

I miss you daddy, hope you're okay now