Been awhile since I wrote last, but in all honesty I'm having trouble finding the energy to sit at my computer and write most days. I do a lot from my cell phone which is how I keep in touch, but to actually sit at the computer and take the time and energy to sit up and type seems like a lot to me lately.
I feel so tired all the time and it doesn't seem to get any better really. I get so frustrated cause I"m so tired and then I get annoyed with myself for being frustrated about being tired cause there is nothing I can do about it. Did that make sense? It did to me. But then again a lot of things make sense to me that might not to others. I can't put two thoughts together anymore lately. Chemo sucks, have I said that yet today?
Just finished up a five day treatment. Just 4 more treatments to go before I am completely done with chemo. Its so weird to say that when I started with 14 treatments! I can't believe I've finished up 10 of them so far. Its awesome to know that I'm almost done.
Grace has TWO teeth now! I can't believe how big she is getting! She is almost sitting on her own now too!
I feel like I"m missing everything.... Like I spent the first 6 months of my baby girl's life in a fog (which I have really) and I blinked and for a moment it cleared, and she is suddenly 6 months old and doing so much... Then the fog comes back and all is what it once was. I feel so robbed of this first year of her life.
I spent all my life wanting to be someone special, I wanted the sad story. I spent years as a teenager cutting myself up just to seem so tragic. I never told anyone that I was doing it, but knowing I was doing it gave me the permission to continue to be sad and depressed. I alienated a lot of people with my stupidity. Now I've grown up and all I wanted was to be a mom. A mom to a beautiful baby girl (knew 5 years ago my first would be a girl) and maybe I wanted that too much. What price did I pay for my baby girl? A big one. I fight for my life, and will for as long as I"m breathing, everyday just so I can live and watch my baby girl grow up. And it saddens me to think that there is nothing I can do to shield her and protect her from the world of hurt cancer brings. I'm her mom and she'll always know how special she is, and how she truly saved my life (more on that later), but how can I tell her all that without also telling her the hell cancer brings? The fear, the pain, the exhaustion? The weight loss (to me a bonus cause I was huge to begin with and am NOW starting to get it under control thanks to chemo), the not knowing, the fear (yes I know, I said it twice, its a big one). Its such a scary scary road I travel now.
The uncertainty of life suddenly scares me. How one day its here and the next day the rug can be pulled out from under you and the walls come crashing down. Its like the Robert Frost poem says:
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
And in all honesty, the road I am taking is the one less traveled, one no one would travel if they could avoid it. There are no warning signs that cancer has snuck into you and taken over. All you get are symptoms and signs that its there, but nothing you can do about it. There is no knock on the door where cancer says "Hey, I'm here, can I come in now?" and you get the option to slam the door and keep the prowler away. You just can't. And it doesn't seem fair.
I spent my pregnancy in a blissful hell wondering if my lupus would cause me to miscarry before the baby would be able to survive outside the womb (with lots of help and doctors). Then I spent everyday thanking God that I made it one more day pregnant, and the closer I got to my due date the happier I became. I spent days sitting in hospitals so they could monitor me and the baby, and hours agonizing over whether or not I should call the doctor cause I hadn't felt the baby move in awhile. I spent hours waiting on doctors and tests and at 36 weeks I got sick with toxemia. At 37 weeks I had my baby girl and she is perfect. I couldn't ask for a better child. I made it further in my pregnancy than any of the doctors thought I would, or could.
And now I"ll spend every day of her life in another blissful hell. One where I"ll continue to fight, not only for her life but mine.
This cancer robbed me of so much and it just keeps taking... I've lost the strength I once had that I took for granted. The ability to stand and walk around takes up so much energy that I can't even take my baby girl out for a walk. I've lost all those features I once took for granted, such as hair and eyebrows and lashes. All the things that made me a woman are slowly leaving me. Even the ability to have children now is a dream as the chemo has taken that away I'm afraid. I always wanted two or three children, now I"ll have my one little miracle child and that's it.
OK this pity party has lasted long enough. Time to grab my princess and take a nap with her again. The simple things in life I get to do and not take for granted.
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