Rainy day....

Not outside, but inside it is.

I'm having a tough time today and I'm sure its the lack of sleep thats doing it to me. Why a lack of sleep, you ask? Well for one my lovely little angel has decided that 7AM is a good time to wake up, so not nice. For two, I'm having a minor surgery tomorrow to have a port put in and its making me nervous. Not only that, but because I want to make sure I'm good and hydrated for said surgery tomorrow, I've been drinking more than 2 quarts of water and juice a day, which means I'm up all night peeing. Its a viscious cycle.

But I sit here with tears in my eyes and a feeling of despair in my heart. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel, the end of my journey, but it just seems so far away and its a little to dim today. And then I start thinking about the what if's. What if it just keeps coming back? I'm trying so hard to be strong, but in all honesty, the chemo and cancer have beaten me down so much that I just don't have it in me anymore. And add on the horrible cold weather and snow and I just can't take it anymore. I just want this all to be over, I just can't take anymore of it. I'm so tired, and worn out and all I want to do is go back to before I even got pregnant and start all over again. I'd do it all so differently this time. I'd like to redo my entire adulthood differently. There would be more photos, and more laughter. I wouldn't have wasted one minute of any day if I had known I was going to end up here. I think about all those missed oppertunities and lazy days at home watching t.v and I wish I had spent more time with friends and family. There is so much I think about and so much I wish I could change. The only thing I can do now is try to make tomorrow better I guess.

But how can I make tomorrow better when I still have 3 more months of chemo to go through, and another surgery.

I have an MRI on Saturday and quite honetly I'm scared of the results. I'll always be scared of results of MRI's and bone scans and all that jazz I guess. I will forever live my life in fear of this returning and me not knowing. Every little headache, pain and bump and I will get nervous I'm sure, seeing as though I already do. I had a headache for 3 days, a headache that had my life been normal I would have written off as just a caffeine headache and gotten on with my life, but because of the cancer I got nervous and talked to my doctors about it, hence the MRI this weekend.

So Friday I get the port, and then have to go to the dana for blood work. On Saturday I go to the dana to get blood because my red count is so low (16, when its supposed to be in the 40's) and then an MRI. A busy couple of days. A couple days where I won't have the strength, energy or time really to see my precious angel.

Well its naptime now and she's calling out for me, so I"m off to snuggle her into dreamland.

Be well