Its October 1, and as I sit here on the couch next to my husband I think “I made it” and can’t help but smile to myself. One year ago I was so scared that I would never see another birthday, and yet, yesterday I turned 27, cancer free too!! I made it, and while exhausted and in pain, I”m still standing and still stronger than I was. Go me!
I’ve got a set of scans on October 8th, and I get the results on October 12th, although if I’m lucky, my oncologist Dr Crystal will call me with the results as soon as he knows him, like he did last time. Although I must say, I am all tied up in knots right now waiting for the scans, I just know I”m going to be a “cant eat, cant sleep” wreck between the scans and getting the results. I’ve had all kinds of dreadful thoughts the past couple of days, and some terrible, no good nightmares about cancer returning. Thoughts about tumors regrowing, or new ones showing, that I’ve been obsessively checking my vision and my hearing, and touching my face to make sure there are no changes, and yet I still can’t calm myself down. When does this get easier? Will it ever get better? How do I calm myself down enough so I can relax and enjoy things again around scan time? I’m starting to think I need a drug or something to calm me down, or else I may have to start drinking heavily and I don’t think that’s the answer either.
Grace is getting so big, its amazing to watch her change everyday, and yet, I can’t get enough of her. I’m infatuated with her and no matter how nuts she drives me I can’t get enough of her crazy antics. Like helping me clean by running the “vacuum” over the carpet earlier, or taking a wipe and “washing” the floor by the front door. She also helped me clean up the paper clips I spilled everywhere earlier. Such a good little helper and yet, she won’t pick up her toys, or instead of putting the laundry in the basket, she throws it all over the place, but its okay, we’ll keep working on it and someday she’ll get the hang of it. 
Be well…
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