Most days are normal, run of the mill days, but then there are those occasions where the mood swings just suddenly come on and I can't change it.

Sometimes, even though I'm medicated, my mood swings can still swing out of control.

Last Wednesday Scott and I were driving home from my brothers garage in Manchester, NH, when my mood suddenly spiked. We were stuck in traffic and I was feeling restless and hyper, but we were stuck in traffic. I had glanced out the window at a truck next to us and it said "DEF filler under here" or something along those lines. I asked Scott what a DEF filler was and he jokingly said "I don't know, ask him" so I started to reach for the window button so I could ask, but Scott told me not to. This was out of character for me, but shortly after that I got the idea to smile and wave at every car we went by. Scott knew what was happening but he was powerless to stop it. I knew what was happening to me, but I couldn't stop. By the time we were out of traffic and back in MA, I had dropped back down to normal. I felt tired after that, real tired. I was ready to sit back and nap.

Then a few nights ago I went to a really dark place. It was scary and I was laying in bed crying, I was a wreck. I kept thinking about how my life had taken such an awful turn after cancer, how cancer had robbed me of so much that I cherished.  I used to adore my hair, my beautiful smile, my manicured nails and cancer had taken all of that away from me. I had dreams of having another child, or two, and cancer robbed me of that. I was devastated and heartbroken because everything that I ever felt made me a woman was gone. I kept thinking that if God was going to leave me in such a shitty place in life,then he shouldn't have let me live at all. I kept questioning what my purpose for being on this earth was. I felt like death would have been a better choice. It was such a dark and scary place. I had no feelings of harming myself, and suicide is definitely not an option.  It was just dark there, and awful. I hated having those thoughts, especially with my daughter in the bed next to me.. But its where the mood swings can take me.