I posted what I wrote earlier because I want people to understand me. I know whats wrong with me mentally, I saw it in my dad, and I've seen the deepest darkest parts of me. My whole teen life revolved around my mood swings because I refused to be medicated.  I'm very logical about my bi-polar, I see there is something wrong, I try to control any out of control shopping when I'm manic. When I'm on the upswing of it all, I feel like I'm pretty, like I can do anything, and I become super friendly.  Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but being super friendly can attract the wrong kind of attention.  I dealt with that a lot when I was a teen, but not really in my adult life.

But I mentioned I'm logical about things. I know my limits with shopping, with how far my depression can damage me, with everything. My psychiatrist actually said I was different than most people with my disease in that I sought out the help, the medication and the proper treatment I need. And that I deal with everything so logically, I don't allow myself to completely lose control and over spend, or fall back into bad habits of the past.

I don't share for sympathy or for help, I share because I'm tired of pretending everything in my life is perfect, and that my health is great.  I'm well medicated but I don't think that everyone understands that I can still breakdown, I can still go super high, That when things go wrong in my life, I get devastated real easy.  My heart breaks and I cry a lot, I can't control it, I know its an over reaction (most of the time) but I can't do anything to stop it.

All I've talked about is the bipolar, but that doesn't ever cover the crippling anxiety I feel when out somewhere alone. I try to run all my errands with at least Grace with me, if not Scott. I pull into a parking lot, and can feel the anxiety start to build, I have to sit in the car and convince myself that I'm okay, there's no one there to hurt me, no one is judging me and that I can do this. And if by some miracle I can handle one store, I usually talk myself out of every other stop I had planned. I become a paranoid mess out in public. and I've even joked to Scott that I would be a menace if I had mace. I'd be macing every one that walked behind me and seemed a little too close, but just far enough back.

I need to relax before I go to sleep. Goodnight all