I had a friend, a best friend, from 6th grade up to just after my cancer diagnosis. Well, I thought she was my best friend, we used to work together, go out a lot, talk daily, and we used to know everything about each other.  Then I got diagnosed with cancer and she just disappeared from my life. As if somehow the cancer were contagious and she didn't dare catch it. Maybe she thought I was going to die, and doesn't know how to come back? But whatever,  fast forward 7 years, and I know I shouldn't care, I know I should let it go, but I miss her, I miss our daily talks, and our inside jokes. I miss calling her up all the time. I learned that she has a boyfriend, from facebook, and that she works as a school nurse in the town we grew up in, all from facebook. I should just delete her so I stop seeing all the photos of her with her other friends, the friends she's had since high school. I've been in her life just as long, if not longer than some of those people she still hangs out with.

Its time to grow up I think. Time to delete her and try to move on I guess. Its just so hard when I have so much trouble making friends. And she was with me just about daily during our teen years. The one I could count on and rely on, the one I could call for anything. I just don't have it in me to keep being hurt by her, even if she doesn't realize it.

Thank goodness for my other friend, who I met in 5th grade.  At least she and I can always pick up where we left off. no matter how busy our lives get (she does have 3 kids after all, and I have my 1). I wish I could meet more people like her who love me for me, for all the flaws and imperfections, that I have many of, just as I love her despite her flaws and imperfections, or maybe because of them.  For some reason I just don't feel like I fit in with the other parents at Grace's school. Maybe it's because I feel like I can't relax and just be me, the real me.

But that thought leads to, who am I really? I've put on so many faces over the years that I'm not even sure who I am anymore. I feel like a boat on the sea and all around me are little islands of who I've tried to be, for the sake of making friends, but which one is the real me? And will people even like the real me? Do I like the real me?

I definitely am not going back to the dark, scary, depressed, self injuring teenager that I was. But I'm not always bubbly and happy either. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground. Either I'm moody and sad, or I'm bubbly and happy. How do I find the middle ground for who I am? And who will like me for me? Who will take all my habits, good and bad, all my language good and bad, and my like of video games? I feel more comfortable talking to guys then woman, except a couple moms down at the playground who rock. But even then, how do I become comfortable reaching out? Making friends with them, what if they don't like me?

That's my biggest fear, is that people won't like me, they'll reject me and then I'll feel embarrassed everytime I see them. I hate not being able to set up play dates for Grace, or setting them up and she goes alone.  I want to go and get to know the moms, or dads, and feel comfortable with them. Do cookouts and what not. But I"m not sure I even know how to let my guard down anymore.  It was so easy as a teenager and I didn't give a fuck what people thought (although to tell you the truth, it killed me when people didn't like me).

I want Grace to be able to have friends over, to be able to go to someone else's place, I don't want her to end up like me. Alone at a keyboard, telling her secrets to the cyber world cause its the only place she feels like she can really let go. How do I prevent this cycle from happening to her?

I don't want my child to be like me, I really don't. I want her to have friends, and a social life,

Final thought of the day, does anyone like me?