On the way home we talked, and called all my siblings together to tell them the news. It was the most heartbreaking night of my life. We stopped to buy pizza cause we were starving. I know, you're probably thinking, how could I eat at a time like this, right? Well imagine being in a hospital for 3 weeks, where you couldn't eat, and you would know how starving I was. I was barely allowed water while in there. So we stopped and brought home pizza. While we waited in the parking lot, I told my mom I was going to name my tumor, something weak, so I could imagine kicking his ass right out of my life. I don't know where the name came from but, I named him Melvin.
So now we go home And there's my brothers and sister, and my sister-in-laws and you could see they knew. It was in their eyes, but they were hoping for better. I told them the news, I had cancer, and it was rare. But my chances were good. I hated telling my brother Gregg. He was the one person I was so afraid to tell I had cancer. I didn't want to loose my best friend, and just knowing I could miss out on his wedding, on his children was enough to break my heart. Of course we all cried a bit but I told them that I had no intention of giving up, that this is one fight I would win.
The wait seemed to take forever, when in reality I think it only took a week. But to me, it went on for an eternity. But after the scans were done and the results were in, I'd go back to DFCI and see Dr. Morgan and Dr. Crystal once again.They told me I was lucky because we caught it early, I had no other signs of disease anywhere else in my body. I was told I'd need 6-12 months of chemo, plus 6 weeks of radiation. My hopes of a simple surgery were long gone, at this point. Now I was facing a long struggle, the fight for my own life. So I put on my brave face and set out to win the fight, and I was prepared to fight dirty if I had to. But I knew I'd win, there was no way I was going to give up a future with my daughter and husband.
So I had named my tumor Melvin, a nerd name. I pictured him small, weak and easy prey. I would win this fight. I even chose "Faith of the Heart" by Rod Stewart for my theme song. I was already envisioning me at my 5 year cancer free mark, and it being a long road from where I was to there, just like the opening line in the song.
So now I had a new hope, one for 6 easy, quick months of chemo. But after my first treatment I ended up in the hospital. I'd soon learn that for every day I spent at home, I'd spend 2-3 in the hospital or in treatments. It was suddenly clear that I was going to miss a lot of time with my new family. I tried to plan a special event every month that I was going through chemo, on the off chance I didn't make it through. I wanted my daughter to be able to look at pictures and to know how much I loved her and adored her. I wanted her to know that I did things with her and wanted to make my time with her special. We did apple picking, pumpkin picking, Santa visit, but by January I was too weak to do much. I was just feeling too defeated.
In December, during radiation, our car broke down, on the second floor of the DFCI parking garage. Then a couple weeks later my moms car broke down, on the second floor of the DFCI parking garage. BOTH cars had to be towed out of there. Our car was beyond repair, and it happened at the worst possible time. We had no money, still no job and I still had another 3-4 months of chemo ahead of me. I remember sitting in my mothers car waiting for the tow truck and I kept crying. I felt like the world was shitting on me over and over again. I was falling into a black hole and I just wanted it to swallow me up. I just wanted to climb under the covers and never come out again. I just wanted to give up, it was all becoming too much for me. I was tired of being strong, and I was so sad that I was bald (although I did look awesome in the scarves), and I was tired of treatments and hospitals. I just didn't want to fight anymore. I just didn't have it in me anymore to keep fighting. At this point I just wanted to die, I really did. Seriously if life was just going to keep shitting on me, why would I want to live? Why SHOULD I live?
And it's not that the treatments made me terribly sick or anything. The only things I felt from the treatments were extreme exhaustion and I went bald. And my muscles became weak. It took my breath away to walk from my bed to the bathroom. My legs would sometimes buckle and standing for more than 5 minutes was a challenge.
But my hair falling out was the hardest for me. I tried to remain brave and strong when we shaved our heads. And I do me "we". My brothers and nephew were there to support me and shave their heads too. How I love them for that, how much it meant to me to have them there with me when I was dreading it so very much. They made the night so much more bearable for me. They even had me laughing as I watched my beautiful curls fall to the floor around me. I didn't see a choice other than to watch it slowly fall out from the chemo, this was the better choice.
Somewhere I found the strength to get up the day after the car and black hole incident and make the journey to Boston for more radiation. I relied a lot on my family then for rides, strength and for faith. My favorite times were when Gregg was with me. When he would go with me to chemo it was almost like old times, except now we were sitting in a treatment room and I had poison going into me. But he found ways to make me laugh, and the nurses loved him. They even started asking about him, and wondering when he'd be bringing me in again. Gregg would come to my rescue more and more. He took me in to Rhode Island to see RENT, it was a night I'll never forget. I was so happy to see it on stage again that I didn't care how weak I was. I had already miss seeing Jeff Dunham live and Kenny Rogers, there was no way I'd miss out on RENT too. I was definitely spoilked by family and friends alike.
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