I went from being a skinny kid to be a moody, sullen overweight teenager with 2 big secrets. My first I already told you about, this is my second. I was a cutter. I would slice myself open, and then stop the bleeding, or I'd burn myself and call it an accident. I had excuses for anytime someone saw a cut or a burn. I would learn how to hide things better and better. Long sleeves and long pants became my wardrobe. I only got stitches twice, and that was when I was old enough to drive myself somewhere to get them. That's not to say I didn't need them more often, but I'd just wrap my arms or legs in gauze and tape til the bleeding stopped. I overdosed on diet pills, Tylenol and goodness knows what else the summer I was 15. My mom drove me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. I wore an awful lot of dark clothing, and cried a lot. I yelled and screamed a lot, and I slammed an awful lot of doors. I'm surprised I didn't break any. Or have my bedroom door taken off the hinges.
I spent the first six weeks of my sophomore year in an outpatient DBT program. The school was supposed to send me a tutor to help me stay with my classes, only they never did. We didn't know about the tutor thing until the floor fell out from us later. When I tried to go back to school it was to the stares of all my classmates, and questions from people who I thought were my friends. Later that year I'd learn the truth about them. I was even more of an outcast now than I had been before. I liked attention at one point, but at this time I was overweight and super unhappy and was not a fan of being noticed. I couldn't keep up with what was going on in the classroom, nevermind catch up with ALL the assignments I missed while I was gone, and try to figure out the new assignments. To say I was lost was an understatement. My guidance counselor pulled me aside a month after my return and told me I wasn't going to graduate with my class anyway, so why keep torturing myself with school work that I could never catch up on? Why not just drop out for the year and come back the following year. Still being vulnerable (and still holding in the secret cutting - I never stopped I just got better at hiding it), I agreed to what she said and took what I thought was a leave of absence. The truth would come out the following year.
Suddenly I went from having friends to having no one. No one wanted to be friends with the girl who dropped out of school, who went missing from school twice. I was strange, different, and as far as anyone knew I had some serious issues going on. Which unfortunately was true, not that they really knew that. No one was close enough to me that I would share my secrets, and no one wanted to get to know me enough to learn anything about me. I felt so alone, and I was so low. I thought I hit bottom.
I tried to return to school the following year, but the same guidance counselor tried to tell me I wasn't ready to return, that I wasn't strong enough to deal with all the pressure of classes and the questions from the kids. What my thoughts were was, how the hell does this woman know what I am and am not ready for? But she blocked my return for another year. So the following year, I was just about 18 at this point, I fought to go back to school. My mother fought with me. Together we were successful and I returned to school as a sophomore. Most of my friends were seniors at this point, and a lot had graduated the year before. It was beyond strange to be a sophomore when all the people I thought were my friends were seniors. So feeling strange being 18 and just a sophomore, I dropped out and said I'd get my GED. At this time I was down to two friends. Everyone stopped talking to me when I took the leave of absence originally. Turns out I didn't really have friends after all. I turned to the Internet at this point. I would meet random guys in chat rooms, talk with them for a bit and we'd meet up somewhere. Never more than a date or two, but it wasn't about having a steady guy. No, I liked that initial feeling in a relationship. That can't eat, can't sleep, can't think feeling is what I was always after. I was back to wanting attention, and as long as someone wanted me I was happy.
I worked full time at various different jobs, and got my GED. I was an unmedicated bipolar, so keeping a job was tough for me. This is probably the reason for all the guys in and out of my life as well, but I wouldn't understand that until later. In fact I wouldn't understand much about my disease until later.
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