So yesterday was my 3 year wedding anniversary, YAY! We had a quiet day at home and just enjoyed each other, as well as Grace.
Yesterday also marked Grace's 7th month. My beautiful Grace Anne. Yesterday is also very special because it would have been my nana's, Anne Grace, 87th birthday. Yes. February 23rd is a blessed day.
Today was a tough day. I can't stop thinking about the what if's again. I wish there was some way to make them just go away once and for all. It seems the closer I get to the end of chemo the more they keep popping up. I hate them. I sit there and just want to cry so much and it makes the day seem so awful. The weather doesn't help either. Although don't get me wrong, I much rather the rain than snow, but a little sunshine would be nice.
I've been trying so hard the last 7 months not to be angry with God. But lately I just can't help it. I keep thinking why me, why now, why ever? What did I do that was so wrong, so awful, to deserve this punishment? And thats what it feels like, like I'm being punished for something. Did I want my baby too much? Did I do something wrong? I've tried so hard to come up with answers to this whole mess but the more I try the more questions I come up with. I find myself hating life right now, and all I want to do is climb into a hole and not come out. I want to go sit on the beach and just yell and scream and cry about the injustice of it all. I'm so damned tired of being strong, and positive and upbeat about everything all the time. I'm not strong! I can't do this and some nights I go to bed and just cry about how unfair this all is. I'm really not strong. Everyone thinks I am, but I'm not. I only continue to fight because of Grace. If it weren't for her, I would have stopped treatments long ago and let the cancer kill me, cause in all honesty, I can't take much more of this. The treatments leave me feeling weak, and tired and helpless. All things I hate feeling. Three surgeries in six months have left me feeling battered and bruised. I freak out with every little headache and feeling, so sure that the tumor is growing inside me again. I can't wait for my next MRI so I can put those fears to rest. I'm just purely exhausted. Emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted. I just want to sleep the rest of this away but I can't. I'm just too tired for all this and I dont want to bother anyone at all with it. I pray everynight that it will get better, that it will be okay, but I'm starting to wonder if my prayers are heard. Nothing is working out in my life. Scott still doesn't have a job, the bills are piling up and its a crushing weight to carry. I'm starting to feel like nothing will ever get better....
Goodnight all...
3 comments:
My dear sweetie. You have every right to be angry, to question why and to want to give up. You have been through so much - much more than most people ever see in a life time - and you have had quite a long seven month journey. I can't promise you or even try to guess if this is going to be over with now or not - but please remember a few things. First and foremost, God doesn't punish. Only we punish ourselves and then try to put that self imposed punishment onto God's hands. The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself for whatever thing you believe you might be worthy of punishment for. Second, you need to hold that beautiful baby of yours and thank God for blessing you with her. Remember - you weren't even supposed to have a child - so what kind of reward was that? A much better reward than punishment, if you ask me. Lastly, know that God is there for you and so am I. I love you and am so proud of you. You have never made me any prouder in your entire life, than you have this past year. I tell everyone how brave and strong you are - and I know you have your down times - but you know what? You are still alive, you have the baby you always wanted and the rain will stop - and the sun will shine again - I promise you that! And yes, things will get better for you - it is all uphill from here! Love you, Mom
(This comments a biggie so sorry for the 2 posts)
Hi Laurie,
I continue to pray for you. My father died of cancer at 57. He found out too late to do anything about it. He went into the Dr because his stomach hurt and 3 months later he died. It was VERY VERY hard on everyone especially me because he found out and died around my 19th birthday. From age 11 to 19 I had lost 2 of my grandparents- whom we lived with and took care of and I was very close, an uncle and now my dad. My point is I know what you're going through, how hard it is, but you at least have a chance to try and get help. It may not be easy. It will be the hardest thing you'll ever do but you will be rewarded.
Now I don't know what you believe as far as God goes. (I am a Independent Fundemental Baptist, now.) The only reson bad things happen to us is because man fell, we sinned, let sin into the world. God is NOT punishing you. These things just happen. Sometimes God lets things happen to us so we can find Him, rely on Him and our faith can grow. This may not seem fair- I know when I first heard he LET things happen to us, honestly my 1st reaction was that it's kind of a jerky thing to do...
I myself grew up Catholic, Catholic school the whole nine yards. After my father died I struggled with panic attacks that left me unable to work or pretty much function and I thought haven't I lost enough?! Why is God doing this to me?! I was very depressed and pretty much wanted to throw the in the towel.
One day I heard an Audio sermon, my then boyfriend (now husband) was listening to by Pastor Steven Anderson who explained about being saved he went through these scriptures: Rom 3:10 As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one
Rom 3:23 For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Rom 6:23 For the wages of sin [is] death; but the gift of God [is] eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. Rev 21:8 But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Rom 5:8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 1Pe 2:24 Who his own self bare our sins in his own body on the tree, that we, being dead to sins, should live unto righteousness: by whose stripes ye were healed. Act 16:31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house. Jhn 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
What he then continued to explain is that it's a gift- free I don't have to do anything it's not by works or a good life and it's eternal and I can never loose it. Because if I could loose it it wouldn't have been ETERNAL and if I could loose it it would make God a lier.
Does this sound like a God who would do this to you? He loves you, cares for you and wants to see you in Heaven one day. I hope one day, if you haven't yet, say a prayer to the effect of "Dear Jesus, I know I am a sinner, and I know I deserve to go to Hell. But I believe that you died on the cross for my sins. Please save me and take me to Heaven when I die. I'm only trusting you, Jesus. Amen."
I don't want to be preachy or annoy you but this is very important though it may not seem like it now. In the end this is really all that matters. What does a fabulous life mean when you're burning in hell for eternity? This isn't ment to make you more depressed it is GOOD news, it is so easy!
After I was saved I'd like to say my life is great but it's not and it never will be because I'm on earth. I can say I barly have panic attacks anymore because what was important to me then is not now. I know I'm loved and taken care of, even if life doesn't seem easy. If I have God on my side what more can I want? Please get yourself a King James Bible if you do not have one. I emphasis the King James but that's a whole other topic :) (If you would like to read about why: http://faithfulwordbaptist.org/KingJamesBible.html )
I hope you feel better, if not physically, mentally. God will give you strength if you ask.
Please if you have any questions about anything I said please ask.
Much love,
Karen Elderkin
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