So I know I've cried and grumbled and mumbled about my hair in the past but please let me explain why. And if you stick through the boring hair crying you just might get to read about more than hair, I promise. What I can't promise is anything of great excitement. But I've never been able to do that. There is, however, a medical update.
Three years ago I had long hair. It was curly. I loved it. I could straighten it, I could leave it curly, I could wear it up or down. I could style it.
I KNEW my hair. I knew the shampoo and conditioner that worked best with my hair. I knew that if I brushed it JUST so it would curl right, and if I used the blow dryer and straightener I could get it super straight. I knew that if I didn't use conditioner I wouldn't be able to pull a brush through it, never mind do anything with it, and if I skipped a washing my hair would be super oily and gross. Three years ago my hair was easy. And super thick.
The cancer struck, and chemo took my hair away. During those eight months everyone kept telling me "Your hair is going to come back so curly" "Every ones hair comes in super curly" and other such comments. I would joke and tease that I would hope not TOO curly cause my hair was curly before. But I was looking forward to it.
Fast forward a year. Chemo's over, and my hair is coming in, finally. Its super short, looks like a men's buzz cut, but I was still excited. A year later my hair was longer and STRAIGHT, and thin. I was devastated. Now if we fast forward 2 years my hair now reaches my shoulders, and it has layers right now, cause a year ago my hairdresser told me it would give my hair more body. But now I am growing out all those layers. My hairdresser agrees with that choice. But I digress.
So my hair is straight and thin. I can't do anything with it cause its too short. I have NO CLUE what shampoo I should use. I've tried so many different types, at first they seem to leave my hair feeling nice and not oily looking at all. Then after awhile it starts leaving my hair oily feeling.
My point? I don't KNOW my hair anymore. Hell I don't know my own body anymore. But I don't cry about my hair because its too short, I cry because I don't know it. So when I say I want MY HAIR back, its not for the length, its for the familiarity.
I'm trying to talk less about my hair, I really am. And I know its the most selfish thing to cry over, because I am, after all, alive and doing well. However I fell like I'm in a strangers body. My mood swings are different, my hair is different, my whole body is different. I bruise so easily (right now I have a bruise almost 7 inches in length on my thigh and I have no clue how I got it. I used to know what soaps would break out my sensitive skin, and now I'm not sure. The soaps I once used break me out while others work okay.
I know, I know I'm boring you all with this crying shit. Boo hoo, I have no hair, whining. I get that, I do. But to me this is important because now I never know whats just a headache and what could be worse. I don't know if a sore spot on my body is just sore, or if it could be a tumor. I'm lost and I"m so tired of going to the doctors (as wonderful as they are) for what turns out to be nothing. I hate not knowing my body, it truly makes me want to cry.
These past 2 weeks I've been suffering from an immense pain near my surgical site. So intense that it literally felt like my scar was going to rip open. I would lay there crying because it hurt so bad. I would hold the spot, and then one day (about a week ago), I was rubbing the spot, and I hear *click*, and felt a *pop*. What the hell? My head is NOT supposed to click, or pop. Thinking it was a random fluke, I rubbed again, and sure enough *click* *pop*. So now I'm thinking it might be time to call a doctor, but which one? In the end I decided on my primary care doctor. Saw him last night, his words:
"Well I feel the popping, so you're not going crazy. I don't feel any masses, but I can't make any promises, but I definitely don't feel one. I'm not sure what it is. Now it does worry me a bit, but not enough to move up your MRI that's in February, but enough to make me glad you have an appointment with a specialist next week."
He gave me some vicodin to help me through the week. Hopefully this new specialist will know what is going on.
So, some pain is controlled and doing OK, then this new pain which is uncontrolled. So hopefully I'll have more answers next week.
Be well all...
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