I watched the stand up to cancer special last night. And while yes I teared up a little and yes I thought of Maggie too, the impact of it didn't hit me fully until today. I was giving my princess a bath and suddenly I thought of just how close I came to loosing everything I ever wanted in my life. It brought up all kinds of feelings I had completely forgotten about.

When I was in the hospital, just before my neurosurgery I never questioned whether I would die, I knew I would live through the surgery, I just had a baby so I had to live.

Even during chemo, when it first started, hell the first four months, I didn't question that I'd live.

But after 4 months of non stop treatments, and hospital visits I was exhausted. Seriously this was a typical month for me:
Day one I'd go in and spend two hours waiting for doctors and blood work, then I'd go to the treatment room and spend 4-5 hours there.
Day two I'd go back and spend 4 hours in the treatment room.
I'd spend days 3-7 at home, exhausted and sleeping a lot. Chemo made me extremely tired and weak.
Day 7 I'd start getting cold, and running a fever. I usually tried to hide it by taking Tylenol.
Day 8 it would be off to the ER for a visit.
I'd spend days 8-12 in the hospital receiving antibiotics and blood transfusions, and platelets. If I was lucky I'd get to go home on day 12.
I'd spend days 13-15 at home, feeling better than I did.
On day 16 I'd spend 2 hours waiting for doctors and bloodwork, then I'd spend 6 hours in treatment.
Days 17-20 I'd spend 6-7 hours in treatment.
Days 20-24 I'd spend exhausted and weak, very rarely getting off my couch or bed.
Day 25 I'd start with the fevers again.
On day 26 I'd go back to the hospital.
Days 26-30 would be spent in the hospital.

So you can see I'm not exaggerating when I say it was non stop. And let's not forget the 6 long weeks of radiation I went through about 3 to 4 months in.

I spent more time in hospitals, and treatment than I did at home. I started questioning whether it was worth it. Was being away from my baby all the time really worth it? I started wondering if the quality of my time with her would be better than the quantity of time I spent with her. I started begging my family and doctors to just stop the treatments, to just let me be done. I couldn't do it anymore. I cried all the time.

I was so weak I couldn't even carry her. I'd put her in her bassinet and hold on for dear life while I pushed us to the bathroom so we could take a bath. And it's not like I could even wash us up, Scott was there to help me, and make sure we didn't drown in our 2 inches of water.

In a short time I went from being completely independent to relying so fully on someone to feed me and bathe me that it was humiliating. I lost it all. So by the 4th month I'd had enough. I wanted to stop all treatment, I wanted my life back, I didn't want to rely on anyone else anymore. I started planning letters I'd write to Grace because I fully believed I was going to die. If pthe cancer didn't kill me, the treatment would.

By that time it was Christmas and everything felt so hopeless. I was too weak to decorate my house for the holiday, and I sat on my mothers couch directing people where to put things on my mothers tree. I never threw up from treatment but boy did it make me feel so weak, and I was always so tired.

At one point I cried to the Heavens wanting to know how God could have forgotten me and why He'd allow me to go through such an awful illness, especially after just having a baby. Did God really give me this wonderful miracle just to take me away from her? I couldn't figure out what I did wrong to deserve such a punishment. Was I really that awful a person that I deserved to go through this? And why did I get cancer?

I held Grace all the time and when I slept she was next to me. I missed her so much when I was away from her that I just couldn't let her go those few precious moments I was with her.

I stopped questioning why a long time ago, but I still feel forgotten sometimes.

Be well