I just had a terrible dream, in it my father was alive, but only briefly and then I had to relive the pain of losing him all over again. And I'm not sure what's more heartbreaking, the dream or the brief few seconds where I woke up and thought "Oh thank God, it's just a dream!" And then realized while yes it was a terrible and heartbreaking dream, he was still dead and he's never going to come back. I cried so hard for so long, Scott held me, and in the end the tears dried up but the pain remains. In all my life it was one thing I never thought about, or even had nightmares about. I can remember dreams where I've woken up crying cause Scott had died, in one horrible tragic way or another, and those were few and far between, but never my parents. I just never faced their mortality, and now that my father is gone, and yes I'm aware it's been this way for two years now, I'm painfully aware of it now. And maybe I was deluding myself by ignoring it, and my father's failing health, but I tell you, I was not ready to lose that man, and I don't think I'll ever be.